My school is having a "Domestic Violence" campaign right now. There are little ribbons hanging all over the trees on campus and a booth set up in the student commons area.
It's great to bring awareness about such a serious issue and I am glad it has sparked some good discussions among the students. The only problem is...
I life in constant fear of accidentally saying "Domestic Discipline" in stead of violence...because I'm so used to discipline being the next word!! It just naturally flows in my head. I think about it all the time and I hear "Discipline" much more often than I do "violence."
It's like someone saying "Go above and!"
You naturally have to finish the sentence with "Beyond!"
I know the two are very, very different things. I just have to be very, VERY conscious about what I say and speak slowly so I don't have to answer a lot of questions!!
It's a scary thing, sharing a blog like this with someone in the "outside world." Should you or should you not? It's like a flower with endless petals to pull off...I should...I should not!...I should!...I should NOT!
I have never shared my blog with anyone I know in real life. I have told one of my friends about DD and I gave her links to YOUR blogs but not mine. I assume she is smart enough to read the comments and find my blog if she really wanted to but I don't think she has yet.
Now I have been talking to someone else about marriage (but I didn't mention anything to her about DD) and wondering if I should share my blog with her. I told her I would send her the link. But now I want to chicken out...
Here's my story, tell me what you think.
One time when I was about thirteen I had a dream about this teacher that I liked spanking me. I really didn't understand it but I knew it was odd. I remember feeling alone and not really knowing what was going on with me. I knew I could never ever tell ANYONE something as crazy as that.
There was a girl about four or five years older than me, a mentor type, who went to the same church as I did and every once in awhile her and I would chat about things. I looked up to her (and I still do even though we don't talk much anymore) and I always wanted to know her opinions about boys and life. One time we were talking online and we began talking about sex. She mentioned spanking just briefly and then we both completely changed the subject.
I didn't know what to think. The first thing I felt was relieved - is this some sort of sexual thing that no one told me about? Why wasn't this in the American Girl body books? How come my mother never mentioned it?
I never did ask her about it but it always stuck in my mind that just maybe I wasn't so weird after all.
Well that girl went off to college and I ended up choosing the same college a few years later. She graduated from college the same time I graduated from high school so by the time I got here she was gone.
She is now very happily married with an adorable baby and I've often wondered about things...What could she have meant when she said that nine years ago? Does she know about DD? Is that why she is so happily married?
We never see each other anymore or talk except an occasional comment on facebook, but then the other day she just so happened to be back on campus for a little bit! We went out to eat and it was really nice to get caught up.
We talked a little bit about boys and marriage and I mentioned that I had a blog about marriage. I told her I would send her a link to my blog along with some other things we talked about.
I didn't tell her anything about DD and I guess I don't know why I want to show her my blog but I just do. I suppose just because I want her opinion on this whole thing. I want to know if she knows about it. I want to know if she thinks it's crazy! I want to know if there is anyone in real life (not that you all aren't amazing because you are!!) who could possibly understand?
I read over some of my old posts and they just feel so extremely personal. They are so much a part of who I am, but it's such a different part. A part I never share with anyone except Blogworld. Jokes that others wouldn't understand, stories that wouldn't make sense to outsiders, dreams and aspirations that other unknowing people would spit on. I love my blog and it might not be as active or in-depth as others but it's a wonderful, safe place for me to share my dreams and not feel stupid.
But even if I did share my blog with anyone...how do you explain DD in a post? How do you explain it in ten posts? It's so intricate, it's so complicated. There are so many questions. There are so many different pieces to explain. It's so easily misunderstood that only reading about it may make it seem so different from what it really is.
So what do you think? I should, I should not? Have you ever shared your blogs with outsiders? How did it turn out? Is it worth it?
[**Insert Chariots of Fire slow motion run towards you here**]
Did you miss me?! Because I sure missed you all an awful lot!!! I have so much to tell you! Probably way too much for one post but I will try to be concise! I think it was really good and healthy for me to take a break from blogging and I needed it but I am back for awhile now :)
First and most important: I got the lead role in the school play!!!! I am so excited about it! I wanted it SO BAD and I prayed really hard and practiced every day and I am so happy that I got it! It has made my senior year delightful so far!
Here's the kicker: My character is quite the feisty, loud, obnoxious, bouncy girl (type casting I know!) and in one scene...an older man says to my character...
"What you need young lady, is a good old fashioned spanking!"
Seriously he says that to me. Every night.
I have to pray my face doesn't turn red every night.
So. Awkward.
Life taunts me! :)
The second piece of news I have for you is this:
My mom signed me up for an online dating site. A few weeks ago I was crying about how much I wanted a husband and how I wasn't ready last year but I am ready this year...and all the boys at my college are immature and passive and the ones who are mature/aggressive are taken. So she signed me up. I told her I didn't want to because I thought it was stupid...but after awhile curiousity overtook me and I had to check it out.
Here is what I WANTED to find:
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Brown
Occupation: Doctor
Profile: I am a strong man who loves God and life passionately. I love candle light dinners, wine, and long walks on the beach. I can't wait to be a father. I will buy you flowers just because it's Tuesday. I will be a strong Christian leader for you and our family.
Instead, here is what I have been finding:
Eyes: Weird
Hair: Eh
Occupation: i work at a gas station
Profile: Im jus a chill dude all laid back and stuff. Lemme kno if u wanna chat gurl! I dont really kno what I wanna due in life im jus hangin out so call me up and we can c where dis goes.
WHAT?!
Call me shallow for clicking "not interested" when you can't be bothered to spell out a coherent sentence. If I need someone else to translate your profile then it ain't gonna happen buddy. Ridiculous.
Seriously I don't think my expectations are that high.
All I want is a boy with brown hair and brown eyes who has a graduate degree or a PhD in anything, a natural born leader, who flosses daily and hates brussel sprouts.
And I'm flexible on the flossing thing...
