Dates and Raisins

HELLO!!!

    I haven’t been able to afford internet since I moved off on my own and when I do get the chance to get online I always have 7 billion things to do and don’t have time to blog!!

Boy do I have a lot to tell you!!

I absolutely LOVE it here! Moving is one of the BEST decisions I’ve ever made in my whole life. Ever. Everything is freaking AMAZING!!! I don’t even know how to describe it but for the past few months I’ve been in this euphoric state just resting in the peace that everything is as it should be, and knowing that I wouldn’t change a thing about where I am or who is in my life right now.

So much has happened in my life - dysfunctional and emotionally unstable parents, moving over and over, being uprooted from schools and neighborhood friends, family members passing away, and me growing up and struggling with my own relationships...things have just not always been the easiest. (although I’ve always been blessed with amazing family and support groups!)

But life is SO different here! I was blessed with a wonderful church and families here that take care of me and make me feel loved! For several months I had a job that was…not my favorite...but then just recently I landed the most perfect job ever! I love, love, LOVE my job!!! I sleep through the night without problems, I smile when I wake up, I feel like my future looks bright and sunshiny :)

I don’t even feel like the same person I was when I started this blog two years ago. I mean, the core things are the same I suppose, but I am different. Maybe it’s because of where I am right now, or maybe it’s because everyone changes as they grow.

As for a boyfriend, well, I’m still waiting for that white horse to gallop up my driveway. ;) I have gone on a date or two (hence the title) but they were just...raisins. Kinda burnt out, squishy and uninspired. I don’t want to marry a raisin. I don’t really know what kind of food item I would like to marry (an avocado maybe? I LOVE GUAC!!) but I know that I’ll know it when I see it.

                                                
                                                                       (You gotta admit it's sexy)



I also know that I feel such a great peace here and God has provided for me in so many ways and I just know He’ll make it happen when the time is right. He’s pretty cool like that.

I love you all and I miss interacting with you. Maybe someday soon I’ll have my own stories to share and ways I can relate and I’ll be able to be more involved. Until then, MUAH!

JJ

My Dreams

I dream of a life where people care about me MORE. I know that's probably one of the most selfish dreams a person can have, but I dream it still the same. In this dream, they care about me enough to come and get me when I'm somewhere I shouldn't be, enough to tell me to stop talking when I'm saying things I shouldn't say, enough to tell me to knock it off when I'm doing things I shouldn't do.

I do have many, many people in my life who love me and care about me. I have friends, mentors, family members, professors, who have poured their time and energy into caring about me and for that I am very grateful. Without each one of their influences I would not be where I am today.

But I want more. I always want more. I want someone who cares enough to take responsibility. Someone who cares about my well-being. My future. My current choices. Cares enough to say, "Hey, stop making that choice. It's a bad one."

I dream of a life where all these adults I respect and love so much don't give up on me. They don't walk away when I'm too much. They stick in for the long haul and decide I'm worth the trouble. I'm not talking about spanking, I'm talking about caring for me with words and interactions, in a loving way. Not yelling, not screaming, not abusive, not harmful to me. They want to correct me because they know I can be better, because they know I should do better, because they expect more from me. 


I think I gravitate towards people who have really high expectations. People who are picky, hard-to-please and somewhat critical. I have always been close to those people because I appreciate the high expectations they set and the honesty with which they approach things.

My mom isn't one of those people.

She loves me very much but she doesn't love me in a way that's constructive for me. A few months ago, I signed up to run my first half marathon and a few weeks into training I was complaining about how afraid I was for race day. Her reply? "Well honey, it's perfectly acceptable if you want to just run a few miles and then come stand by me."

WHAT?! No, actually mom, that's not okay. It's not! I am a grown adult woman! I paid for this race! I signed up for 13.1 miles! If I planned on only running "a few," I should have signed up for the 3K! It's not okay for me to just drop out on something. I have to set high expectations for myself AND I have to encourage myself to follow through with them because I know she won't. And if I don't meet a specific expectation, I seem to always take on the role of informing myself how awful it was of me to mess up. 

Today was my last day of college. I have been in college for 5 years and I will graduate with two degrees in two days. Not because anyone expected me to. Not because anyone told me to. My mom has never said "you had better go to college," or even "I want you to finish college." She has never asked what my grades are, she just trusts they are good enough for me. 

She doesn't have expectations for me. Of course my mom is proud. She's always proud. But she would honestly be just as proud of me if I made all D's, dropped out three years ago and got a job at a restaurant. I can even hear her telling her friends, "Yes, I am so proud! You should see her! She is the best waitress ever!" She thinks I'm great no matter what. And that's good, I appreciate her being my number one fan. I know not everyone has that type of mother in their lives and I am grateful for her. 

It's just that...I do wish she would have expectations for me.

But I have all those other wonderful high expectation people in my life who do have expectations for me...

The problem is these people aren't always loving, caring, gentle and sensitive to me like I need sometimes. And when their sky high expectations are mixed with "you had betters" and "I can't believe you did such and such," it leaves me feeling more worthless and not-good enough. I know they do love me, they just don't show it well. I have trouble living up to their standards and sometimes I leave conversations feeling doubtful of myself and my abilities and unsure of how to better meet their expectations.


While my friends are telling extravagant stories of their teenage years where their parents quietly showed up at a party, took them home and grounded them, I can't help by swoon a little.

I crave someone to care about me. Care about me in that way. Set boundaries for me. Expect more from me. But match those expectations with encouragements, realistic ideals and patient understanding. 


I will go on to do great things. I know I will. Because I expect great things from myself. But it would be nice if someone else did too. 

I'm pretty sure I just want a parent.

Who's Your Daddy? The Electra Complex

I apologize in advance for this rambling post. I'm in a horrible funk lately and can't seem to pull myself out of it....

Here's what's in my stormy head... 


Most days I am an adult. I wake up and interact healthily with all those around me and I go to class and I pay the bills, I put on my big girl panties and even kill spiders when I have to. Life happens but I DEAL. I have a wonderful group of friends who surround me and love me and care about me. I come home and I pray for a man who will be a great husband to me.

But then there are other days. Days that I don't really wake up on the healthy side of life. Days that I barely get out of bed and interacting with others is a chore. I don't use my best judgement, I don't watch my words or my reactions and things just don't really turn out real well. My friends get busy and don't have time for me. I get bogged down with homework and applications for this dooming after-college life that is approaching much too quickly. And a sudden deep loneliness begins to rumble way down in my soul.

And I don't really want a husband on these nights. On these nights...I just want a daddy. I want a daddy to come home and hold me and tell me it will all be alright. A daddy to tell me I am lovely and I am worth pursuing and I am beautiful and I am his little girl that he will protect.

It's confusing to me because I don't know what's healthy. I don't know what's normal. I don't know what is okay for me. Do I want a husband or a dad? Is it unhealthy to expect a husband to fulfill dad-like roles? Is that all this is? Is that what I want in DD? If so does that make me the most horrible, awful, pathetic and psychotic person alive?

When talking about this dynamic with the few people who know about it, they have remarked things like "I wouldn't want my husband to be like my father."

And I agree. Sort of. I agree in that I don't want to be treated like a child.

I do not want to be treated as uneducated or less than, I do not want to be talked down to or belittled or humiliated. I want to be an adult with an opinion that is heard. I want to be respected. I want it to be acknowledged that there may be some matters in life that I do know more about than my husband and vice versa. I want to be treated as an adult fully capable of taking care of myself and making wise decisions.

And yet...I still want to be his little girl. 

I don't mind being seen as a bit fragile. A little girl in a big scary world who needs protecting and guidance at times. Who needs big arms to hold her close and maybe be just a bit...fatherly to her.


There are a select few men in my life who are wonderful, amazing, Christian men who care about me in a fatherly way. They inspire me in school and they truly want what is best for me.

But sometimes I get confused. I love spending time with them. I love talking to them about life and I love getting their opinion and I love buying them gifts and then I start to worry...do I like them? Surely not. I mean I don't want to have sex with them. That's super gross. But I do get jealous when they talk to anyone else. I do look forward to seeing them all day. I do go completely out of my way for them and re-arrange life just so I can spend more time with each of them.

I get so confused. Do I like him or do I like like him? Do I just like how fatherly he is? Is that normal? Is there any other girl in the whole world who feels this way?


Sometimes...when I dream about my life in the future, I think about DD and I mostly just think about the "afterwards." The cuddling and the sweet talk and him rubbing my back and making me feel better. The afterwards is the best part.

I think I mostly want DD for the afterwards. I want to be able to just cry and be held for a long time and cuddled. That sounds like Heaven. I wonder what that feels like for a man to just be so gentle and sweet? There's a memory somewhere in my brain from a long time ago of sitting on my stepdads lap and him rubbing my back - it's the best memory I have of him ever. Or any man ever for that matter.

Some nights, like tonight, I'm just a little girl. Lonely. Longing for a man, any man, to just be a father. I have a big hair bow in my hair, a stuffed animal in my hand and I lay down on my Disney Princess comforter and I just cry. Tonight, I don't want sex and I don't want spanking and I don't want to talk. Tonight, I just want to be held and cuddled by a man who could pretend to be my father.

Oh if only Freud had met me!

Lets Get Physical: Guilt and Spankings

I think my brain is different than most people's. Or maybe I just have some crazy disease that no one else has ever heard of!

I am the only person I know who has PHYSICAL things happen when they feel something passionately. Most normal people have physical things happen when they are excited sexually but that's not what I'm talking about here. 

Sometimes when I get really excited about something, I think about it so much that I get a throbbing headache and I have to force myself to calm down.

When I get very, very sad I have pains in my chest. It is not simply my imagination. They are real, painful and very scary chest pains.

I have been to the emergency room and several doctors for it on many different occasions because I have often been afraid I was having a heart attack or something. They ran multiple tests and absolutely nothing is wrong with my heart or my lungs.

I had one doctor tell me it was just a panic attack. But I don't have heavy breathing or panicky feelings or anything like that when it happens so I have trouble believing it's a panic attack. I am simply very sad about something.

Who knows? The point is that I am a PHYSICAL person and I think about thing in PHYSICAL terms and I respond to things better that are PHYSICALLY in front of me.

I think DD greatly appeals to the physical part of me. 

There is something to be said for the physical absolution of it. I am not very good at simply "moving on" from things or just "letting it go." (And saying "not very good at" is an understatement. I completely and utterly suck at it.)

When I get in a fight with one of my friends, after it is over I always want to buy them something or make them something special. It's not good enough for me to say "I'm sorry." I feel like I have to physically show them. I know it's not expected, but I don't ever really feel like it's all over until I do something physical to show it.

My professor was talking about guilt the other day and suddenly it all made sense to me.

I feel guilty. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough for me because I still feel rotten inside. I need something physical.

This past weekend I was visiting home and I told my mom about some shoes I reeeeeeeally wanted. She said she could get them for me as a late Christmas present! YAY! I was so excited and looked forward to it all weekend.

Right before we left for the mall my mom said something that frustrated me and I started a long argument with her. When we got in the car to go get the shoes I didn't even want them. I mean I wanted them but I felt so bad inside that I didn't really want them anymore. I told her not to get them for me and that I was sorry I started the argument. She said it was no big deal and she got me the shoes anyways but I just felt so....guilty.

I couldn't understand why I felt that way and I just chalked it up to being some sort of self-sabotaging behavior. I just wanted something physical so I could "feel" more forgiven.

The physicalness of DD is so awesome to me because I can just see how it works. It's a physical thing - a way to tell my brain that it's over, to let it go, to stop thinking about it, to stop saying sorry and to stop feeling guilty.


Love to hear your thoughts as always!
I wish I could PHYSICALLY give you all a hug! :)

How To Get out of A Spanking

I just thought this would help you all out. You know, if you needed an emergency escape plan ;)

Throwing A Fit

Please forgive me!! I promise I am back to blogging! I have a lot of posts in my drafts that just need to be edited and then I will post them! I have so much to tell you all and I really miss you when I'm not here! :)

I told you about that play I was in?! Yeah well it sucked up my whole life! That and I have a huge senior project that all the seniors have to do that I am working on right now...I just want to graduate and be done with it! ugg!! I should be back to blogging more regularly now that the play is over!

Anyways the play was fantastic. I have always, always dreamed about having a lead role. I wanted the whole play to be just about me and then I got it! It was really amazing and it took a lot of time and energy but it was worth every second!

You think I could be satisfied with that right? You think I got everything I ever wanted and I should just be content? Yeah well I thought I would be. But give me an inch...

There is an acting award that two people out of the play get. It ALWAYS ALWAYS goes to the person who got the lead role. That's just how it works. That's the way it has always been. But we got a stupid new professor whom I absolutely loathe and no one told him how it works.

I wanted that award SO BAD. I was already planning what I was going to do when I got it! It would have been the topper to my senior year! It would have been so amazing! And I would have been able to go to a competition! I was soo so excited....

And then today we found out that two underclassman got the award. 

This just happened a few hours ago so I'm still pretty upset.

I feel completely robbed of what was rightfully earned by me! It's totally unfair! I worked so freaking hard for that part and I worked so hard every single night in rehearsal and I don't even get the award?! It's totally unfair. I am a senior!! Those underclassman have so many more chances! It's totally unfair! This professor and I don't get along very well and I swear he picked these other two people because they are his favorites. I hate him so much! 

I know I am a grown up but sometimes I still just really like to throw fits. I know it's horrible and I feel so stupid afterwards, but I still throw them. I try not to but when I had hoped for something so much I just can't handle the disappointment!! I try so hard to be mature but...but sometimes I just want to SCREAM!

The bad thing about throwing fits though is that I have to be the fit thrower AND the calmer downer.

I want to be able to kick and scream and say a whole bunch of completely irrational and unrealistic things. "THIS IS REALLY STUPID! THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR! I HATE EVERYTHING! I AM NEVER EVER EVER DOING ANYTHING IN THEATRE EVER AGAIN. GOD NEVER GIVES ME WHAT I WANT. I AM NEVER EVEN TALKING TO THAT STUPID PROFESSOR EVER AGAIN! I HATE EVERYONE!"

I want to say all that. And I want to throw something across the room. And I want to throw a few cuss words in there too. But I want someone else here to respond. I want someone to shake me and say "HEY! Get a hold of yourself. Is this really that important?! When you get to Heaven is God going to only let Irene Ryan nominees in?! When you interview for a job are they going to say 'Hey, have you ever been nominated for an Irene Ryan?'" And then I want him to say "If you don't knock it off, you are going to get a spanking!"

And of course I wouldn't knock it off because I am just so angry. I need to just scream and cry. I need to just let it all out. And I have no mode of getting all this energy out. It's like all this pent up anger and hurt and disappointment and nowhere to put it. It never gets emptied out. 

I have to be my own reason and logic when I don't want to be. Of course I can say all the irrational things I want. But I also have to be the one to come back to myself and say the realistic things and talk myself out of it.


I did text my friend and pretty much say tons of ridiculous, rude unrealistic things. She is a lot older than I am (like by 30 years) and sometimes more like a mom than a friend and so she text back that she thought I was more mature than that.

Yeah well I'm not.

I won't ever get another chance for this. Ever. It's over. You can't get this acting award unless you are in college and I am graduating! And we don't have any more plays that I can be in this year. So it's done! It really sucks.

And I am still throwing a fit about it.

Sharing My Blog With An Outsider

It's a scary thing, sharing a blog like this with someone in the "outside world." Should you or should you not? It's like a flower with endless petals to pull off...I should...I should not!...I should!...I should NOT!

I have never shared my blog with anyone I know in real life. I have told one of my friends about DD and I gave her links to YOUR blogs but not mine. I assume she is smart enough to read the comments and find my blog if she really wanted to but I don't think she has yet.

Now I have been talking to someone else about marriage (but I didn't mention anything to her about DD) and wondering if I should share my blog with her. I told her I would send her the link. But now I want to chicken out... 

Here's my story, tell me what you think.

One time when I was about thirteen I had a dream about this teacher that I liked spanking me. I really didn't understand it but I knew it was odd. I remember feeling alone and not really knowing what was going on with me. I knew I could never ever tell ANYONE something as crazy as that.

There was a girl about four or five years older than me, a mentor type, who went to the same church as I did and every once in awhile her and I would chat about things. I looked up to her (and I still do even though we don't talk much anymore) and I always wanted to know her opinions about boys and life. One time we were talking online and we began talking about sex. She mentioned spanking just briefly and then we both completely changed the subject.

I didn't know what to think. The first thing I felt was relieved - is this some sort of sexual thing that no one told me about? Why wasn't this in the American Girl body books? How come my mother never mentioned it? 

I never did ask her about it but it always stuck in my mind that just maybe I wasn't so weird after all.

Well that girl went off to college and I ended up choosing the same college a few years later. She graduated from college the same time I graduated from high school so by the time I got here she was gone.

She is now very happily married with an adorable baby and I've often wondered about things...What could she have meant when she said that nine years ago? Does she know about DD? Is that why she is so happily married?

We never see each other anymore or talk except an occasional comment on facebook, but then the other day she just so happened to be back on campus for a little bit! We went out to eat and it was really nice to get caught up. 

We talked a little bit about boys and marriage and I mentioned that I had a blog about marriage. I told her I would send her a link to my blog along with some other things we talked about.

I didn't tell her anything about DD and I guess I don't know why I want to show her my blog but I just do. I suppose just because I want her opinion on this whole thing. I want to know if she knows about it. I want to know if she thinks it's crazy! I want to know if there is anyone in real life (not that you all aren't amazing because you are!!) who could possibly understand?

I read over some of my old posts and they just feel so extremely personal. They are so much a part of who I am, but it's such a different part. A part I never share with anyone except Blogworld. Jokes that others wouldn't understand, stories that wouldn't make sense to outsiders, dreams and aspirations that other unknowing people would spit on. I love my blog and it might not be as active or in-depth as others but it's a wonderful, safe place for me to share my dreams and not feel stupid.

But even if I did share my blog with anyone...how do you explain DD in a post? How do you explain it in ten posts? It's so intricate, it's so complicated. There are so many questions. There are so many different pieces to explain. It's so easily misunderstood that only reading about it may make it seem so different from what it really is. 

So what do you think? I should, I should not? Have you ever shared your blogs with outsiders? How did it turn out? Is it worth it?

I'M BACK!!!!!

[**Insert Chariots of Fire slow motion run towards you here**]



Did you miss me?! Because I sure missed you all an awful lot!!! I have so much to tell you! Probably way too much for one post but I will try to be concise! I think it was really good and healthy for me to take a break from blogging and I needed it but I am back for awhile now :)

First and most important: I got the lead role in the school play!!!! I am so excited about it! I wanted it SO BAD and I prayed really hard and practiced every day and I am so happy that I got it! It has made my senior year delightful so far!

Here's the kicker: My character is quite the feisty, loud, obnoxious, bouncy girl (type casting I know!) and in one scene...an older man says to my character...

"What you need young lady, is a good old fashioned spanking!"

Seriously he says that to me. Every night.

I have to pray my face doesn't turn red every night.

So. Awkward.

Life taunts me! :)


The second piece of news I have for you is this:

My mom signed me up for an online dating site. A few weeks ago I was crying about how much I wanted a husband and how I wasn't ready last year but I am ready this year...and all the boys at my college are immature and passive and the ones who are mature/aggressive are taken. So she signed me up. I told her I didn't want to because I thought it was stupid...but after awhile curiousity overtook me and I had to check it out.

Here is what I WANTED to find:

Eyes: Brown
Hair: Brown
Occupation: Doctor
Profile: I am a strong man who loves God and life passionately. I love candle light dinners, wine, and long walks on the beach. I can't wait to be a father. I will buy you flowers just because it's Tuesday. I will be a strong Christian leader for you and our family.








Instead, here is what I have been finding:

Eyes: Weird
Hair: Eh
Occupation: i work at a gas station
Profile: Im jus a chill dude all laid back and stuff. Lemme kno if u wanna chat gurl! I dont really kno what I wanna due in life im jus hangin out so call me up and we can c where dis goes.






WHAT?! 

Call me shallow for clicking "not interested" when you can't be bothered to spell out a coherent sentence. If I need someone else to translate your profile then it ain't gonna happen buddy. Ridiculous. 

Seriously I don't think my expectations are that high.

All I want is a boy with brown hair and brown eyes who has a graduate degree or a PhD in anything, a natural born leader, who flosses daily and hates brussel sprouts.

And I'm flexible on the flossing thing...

Vanilla Post...or Is it?

First of all I just want to ask, which one of my posts is NOT vanilla?!




I like Vanilla. A lot. You could say I love it. Vanilla ice cream, vanilla yogurt, vanilla shakes, vanilla milk, vanilla bean coffee. I must always use REAL vanilla extract when cooking. Never that fake knock-off stuff. If its not real vanilla, I can always tell. I like vanilla scented candles, lotions, scnetsy, even my favorite eye shadow is called "vanilla cream."


I LOVE vanilla everything except in my marriage and my sex. HA! And I don't even know for sure about those two things - I'm just guessing.


It's weird to me that I like vanilla because I'd say my personality makes me seem like more of a rocky road double chocolate chunk with sherbet, whip cream and a cherry kinda gal.


I'm loud and boisterous and I lead mischief a lot. On April Fools I got all my classmates together and we went over to my professors house at night and chalked beautiful pictures all over his driveway. I also wrote a three page letter to the president of our college and got a bunch of people to sign it to get a different professor fired. (And if you just started feeling bad for that professor - don't. If you knew even half the things he did you would have been the first one in line to get him fired!)


With mischief like that you would think I would like strawberry carmel fudge drizzle with nuts and sprinkles.


But I don't.


I like vanilla. And I have vanilla posts on a vanilla blog about a not-very vanilla subject with some not-very vanilla friends.


And I like it that way.


It's sort of like French Vanilla.

Love Letter to Him

Dear Husband,


You don't have to be a fairy tale to make my dreams come true. Just be who you really are and I'll always and forever love you. There's lots of men out there that seem to be the top of the line, but you don't have to compare yourself to them as long as you are mine. 


I don't need an Edward Cullen, vampire fangs and all. You don't have to run fast or win a big manly brawl. I don't expect you to sing beautifully or sparkle in the sunlight, write me a lullaby or sing to me every night. 


You don't need to be the affluent man made of money, you are all I need to be in the land of milk and honey. You don't need the biggest car or best stocks that are off the charts, I'll accept homemade presents and construction paper hearts.


You don't have to be an expert Dom or understand all this DD stuff. Whatever you bring to the table, it will be enough. We'll work it out and talk it all through and whatever we come up with, we'll make it do.


My dear husband, you will be better than any Edward Cullen or Christian Grey, because you are a real person at the end of the day. You are a real person with faults and mistakes. We'll get through it together, patch up all the heartaches.


I love you now and I will for the rest of my life, in sickness and in health, in goodness and in strife.


Waiting ever so not-patiently for my knight-to-be,
Love Always and Forever,
Me

Fifty Shades of Me

First and foremost I really cannot even express how grateful I am for all of you being so kind in my last post. I really, really needed to tell someone but I knew I couldn't talk to friends and you guys really helped me. You are great friends! I'm amazed at how I can feel so loved and cared for when I can't even see your faces! Thank you A LOT!






***************************
Sorry this post is a little ramble-y and it's probably more information than you ever wanted to know about me...I'm a little nervous about being so open on a blog...but here 'goes.


Someone online a few weeks ago said "Man for someone your age you really have it together." HA!


I think overall in my life I can appear that I have it together and know what I want. I am proud that I can come off that way but it is completely not the truth. At all. I am so messed up!


I am going to talk a bit about 50 Shades of Grey but I promise I will not ruin anything for those that have not read it! And I also promise you won't be lost or confused if you haven't read them - so stay with me here!

The books made me think a lot about dd, sex, bdsm, and all of those other issues that aren't really black and white but are more..."grey."

Honestly if you have not read Fifty Shades of Grey and you are practicing DD - you should. YES it is a bad book, YES it is x-rated, YES it is "women porn", and YES there is a whole hell of a lot of sex. But if you read past that and on to the second and third books you will begin to really see a lot of psychological issues that are worth discussing. If you could look at it from a psychologists perspective and really look at these characters and why they feel the way they do and why they act the way they do, it's really quite interesting. I found the book extremely intriguing and I can't help but think that some of you might as well.

One thing I will ruin but it's really not a surprise or any big mystery - is the title. Christian Grey says he is "Fifty shades of f***** up" and that's where the book got it's title. Christian feels he has a lot of issues, problems, hang-ups and he refers to himself as fifty shades of messed up. That's pretty much how I feel about myself.


I wonder sometimes and I think other people do too, about why I don't have a boyfriend. I am funny and goofy but I know how to be serious, I like to be spontaneous and do crazy things like go on a trip without planning it at all. I am in charge of a lot of programs at school and I love to organize and make a big event turn out seamless! I am skinny but not gangly. I am not nerdy-girl smart but I make A's. I don't pick my nose in public or have weird purple stems growing out of odd places on my body...So what gives? Well..the truth is - I know why.


Up until about two years ago, I didn't even want a boyfriend. Since I've been about 1 years old I have been desperately afraid of men of all kinds. If a boy paid any kind  of attention to me at all I would shut him down and walk away and 99% of the time I did not even realize I was doing it. And not shut him down in a cute "try to catch me" sort of way but in a dangerous "stay far away from me I mean it!" sort of way. It was such a habit to not give anything with a penis the time of day. I would remove myself from any situation in which I might be alone with a man (including even asking a male teacher a question after class -I would ask one of my friends to stay back with me). This was so subconscious as I had been doing it my whole life! For the past few years I've been making an extra effort to not be like this. It's taken a lot of time to break a lifetime of training but I think I've made good progress.


The truth is - and still is true - I am scared of men. They are stronger than me, they are faster than me, they are louder than me and - they can hurt me. Really hurt me. Physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually, mentally. Men can yell different than a woman can. Men can grab your hand in a way that makes your heart stop and run for the hills in a way no woman can. Men are scary. 


IN THEORY - I loved Fifty Shades. I loved the idea of a man being so dominant and so fiercely protective and strong. I loved the idea of some fun power play in the bedroom and a set of rules to obey and punishments if they are broken. I like that idea both in serious life matters with serious punishments and in fun, play sexual matters with fun play sexual punishments.


IN THEORY - I also love sky diving, wheelies on motorcycles, swimming with sharks, taming a bull, being in the middle of a tornado, and kayaking down a waterfall. 


I like a lot of scary/dangerous things. I can be a bit of an adrenaline junkie and sometimes I LIKE things I am afraid of. Sometimes. But sometimes I SAY I like them because I don't want to be a big baby but then in real life when confronted with them I run away crying.

The fact is Fifty Shades of Grey scared me a little bit. Yes, the main character Christian Grey made my heart skip beats in a sexual way, but there was also a part of me that would be scared of him in real life. I do not like the way he handled everything and there were a lot of times I felt he was too rough. And, of course, since I'm all complicated, there were also a lot of times I felt he was not being near consistent enough and he let Ana get away with ANYTHING, when she really really deserved to be in trouble. 

In my mind I began to think of Ana and Christian as being like the life I would live if I chose DD and I got...scared.

What if some awesome man comes in to my life, we fall in love, we get married, I tell him about DD and hand over this HOH-y power and then he just goes crazy with it? He tells me I can't leave the house or I can't do things I love to do or he yells at me and cuts me to the quick? What if he's too rough with me? What if he gets angry and really hurts me? What then? What if he doesn't listen to me when I say "no"?

Some men have been trained in today's world that when a woman says "no" she means "yes." When a woman says she doesn't want sex, what she means is she wants you to be rough with her and force her while she's "pretending" she doesn't want it. 

I want my "no" to mean "no." When I say no - no don't touch me there, no I don't want to do that, no I can't right now, no I don't want to go there, no I don't want you to yell at me, no I don't feel good - I want it to mean "no."  

On the other hand, I also like things I read in Fifty Shades and in blogland about men being so in charge and even sometimes a little bit rough - only when it's all in good fun and both sides completley agree.

And I suppose that is part of why I like DD. 


What the hell?! What is that? What is wrong with me?!? It's like a small child who is gravely afraid of any type of airplane and yet goes to school to become a pilot. Who does that?!


"I'm really afraid of men. I don't even ride in an elevator with one alone EVER. Hmm so I think I want a relationship where he can spank me and has the ultimate say about things."  Ug. I confuse myself so much.


I still want DD I am just trying to figure out why. 


I think there is just something to be said for someone who has the power to hurt you and yet doesn't exercise it. There is something so magnificent about handing someone power and saying "here you can do whatever you want" and they turn around and only use their power for good.

I also think part of the reason I get so scared sometimes is because my husband is yet to be found. It's hard to trust someone you don't know. Right now he's just a figment of my imagination and it's hard for me to even comprehend that there could be a man out there that I could really like and trust. I feel so blind sometimes, having faith in a man I don't really know exists. I am trusting in a man I have never met. When he's here, I probably won't feel as scared as I feel now because I'll know who he is and he'll know who I am.

When we get to know each other and I see him face to face and know that he knows me and cares about me deeply, I will be able to trust him more. 


And then someday if I could talk to him and tell him that I feel scared and that my no means no, I would feel better. I think we will have to have some "rules for him" of things that really scare me. We will have to work out all this DD stuff. It's not black and white for everyone - it's grey. And every couple has a different shade that matches them perfectly. It's complicated. 


So now here I am. Fifty shades of messed up. I am just me. Waiting for some boy to come in to my life so I can tell him I want him to be rough with me but very gently, I want him to be in charge but not controlling, I want him to spank me but always be sensitive to my needs, I want him to understand that I do want DD but I am still scared. I'll have to tell him all those bad things that happened to me that I really don't want to tell him and he'll have to be patient and understanding.


And he'll have his own fifty shades that we will work through too.


And it will be 100 shades of us.