Lets Get Physical: Guilt and Spankings

I think my brain is different than most people's. Or maybe I just have some crazy disease that no one else has ever heard of!

I am the only person I know who has PHYSICAL things happen when they feel something passionately. Most normal people have physical things happen when they are excited sexually but that's not what I'm talking about here. 

Sometimes when I get really excited about something, I think about it so much that I get a throbbing headache and I have to force myself to calm down.

When I get very, very sad I have pains in my chest. It is not simply my imagination. They are real, painful and very scary chest pains.

I have been to the emergency room and several doctors for it on many different occasions because I have often been afraid I was having a heart attack or something. They ran multiple tests and absolutely nothing is wrong with my heart or my lungs.

I had one doctor tell me it was just a panic attack. But I don't have heavy breathing or panicky feelings or anything like that when it happens so I have trouble believing it's a panic attack. I am simply very sad about something.

Who knows? The point is that I am a PHYSICAL person and I think about thing in PHYSICAL terms and I respond to things better that are PHYSICALLY in front of me.

I think DD greatly appeals to the physical part of me. 

There is something to be said for the physical absolution of it. I am not very good at simply "moving on" from things or just "letting it go." (And saying "not very good at" is an understatement. I completely and utterly suck at it.)

When I get in a fight with one of my friends, after it is over I always want to buy them something or make them something special. It's not good enough for me to say "I'm sorry." I feel like I have to physically show them. I know it's not expected, but I don't ever really feel like it's all over until I do something physical to show it.

My professor was talking about guilt the other day and suddenly it all made sense to me.

I feel guilty. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough for me because I still feel rotten inside. I need something physical.

This past weekend I was visiting home and I told my mom about some shoes I reeeeeeeally wanted. She said she could get them for me as a late Christmas present! YAY! I was so excited and looked forward to it all weekend.

Right before we left for the mall my mom said something that frustrated me and I started a long argument with her. When we got in the car to go get the shoes I didn't even want them. I mean I wanted them but I felt so bad inside that I didn't really want them anymore. I told her not to get them for me and that I was sorry I started the argument. She said it was no big deal and she got me the shoes anyways but I just felt so....guilty.

I couldn't understand why I felt that way and I just chalked it up to being some sort of self-sabotaging behavior. I just wanted something physical so I could "feel" more forgiven.

The physicalness of DD is so awesome to me because I can just see how it works. It's a physical thing - a way to tell my brain that it's over, to let it go, to stop thinking about it, to stop saying sorry and to stop feeling guilty.


Love to hear your thoughts as always!
I wish I could PHYSICALLY give you all a hug! :)

How To Get out of A Spanking

I just thought this would help you all out. You know, if you needed an emergency escape plan ;)

Throwing A Fit

Please forgive me!! I promise I am back to blogging! I have a lot of posts in my drafts that just need to be edited and then I will post them! I have so much to tell you all and I really miss you when I'm not here! :)

I told you about that play I was in?! Yeah well it sucked up my whole life! That and I have a huge senior project that all the seniors have to do that I am working on right now...I just want to graduate and be done with it! ugg!! I should be back to blogging more regularly now that the play is over!

Anyways the play was fantastic. I have always, always dreamed about having a lead role. I wanted the whole play to be just about me and then I got it! It was really amazing and it took a lot of time and energy but it was worth every second!

You think I could be satisfied with that right? You think I got everything I ever wanted and I should just be content? Yeah well I thought I would be. But give me an inch...

There is an acting award that two people out of the play get. It ALWAYS ALWAYS goes to the person who got the lead role. That's just how it works. That's the way it has always been. But we got a stupid new professor whom I absolutely loathe and no one told him how it works.

I wanted that award SO BAD. I was already planning what I was going to do when I got it! It would have been the topper to my senior year! It would have been so amazing! And I would have been able to go to a competition! I was soo so excited....

And then today we found out that two underclassman got the award. 

This just happened a few hours ago so I'm still pretty upset.

I feel completely robbed of what was rightfully earned by me! It's totally unfair! I worked so freaking hard for that part and I worked so hard every single night in rehearsal and I don't even get the award?! It's totally unfair. I am a senior!! Those underclassman have so many more chances! It's totally unfair! This professor and I don't get along very well and I swear he picked these other two people because they are his favorites. I hate him so much! 

I know I am a grown up but sometimes I still just really like to throw fits. I know it's horrible and I feel so stupid afterwards, but I still throw them. I try not to but when I had hoped for something so much I just can't handle the disappointment!! I try so hard to be mature but...but sometimes I just want to SCREAM!

The bad thing about throwing fits though is that I have to be the fit thrower AND the calmer downer.

I want to be able to kick and scream and say a whole bunch of completely irrational and unrealistic things. "THIS IS REALLY STUPID! THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR! I HATE EVERYTHING! I AM NEVER EVER EVER DOING ANYTHING IN THEATRE EVER AGAIN. GOD NEVER GIVES ME WHAT I WANT. I AM NEVER EVEN TALKING TO THAT STUPID PROFESSOR EVER AGAIN! I HATE EVERYONE!"

I want to say all that. And I want to throw something across the room. And I want to throw a few cuss words in there too. But I want someone else here to respond. I want someone to shake me and say "HEY! Get a hold of yourself. Is this really that important?! When you get to Heaven is God going to only let Irene Ryan nominees in?! When you interview for a job are they going to say 'Hey, have you ever been nominated for an Irene Ryan?'" And then I want him to say "If you don't knock it off, you are going to get a spanking!"

And of course I wouldn't knock it off because I am just so angry. I need to just scream and cry. I need to just let it all out. And I have no mode of getting all this energy out. It's like all this pent up anger and hurt and disappointment and nowhere to put it. It never gets emptied out. 

I have to be my own reason and logic when I don't want to be. Of course I can say all the irrational things I want. But I also have to be the one to come back to myself and say the realistic things and talk myself out of it.


I did text my friend and pretty much say tons of ridiculous, rude unrealistic things. She is a lot older than I am (like by 30 years) and sometimes more like a mom than a friend and so she text back that she thought I was more mature than that.

Yeah well I'm not.

I won't ever get another chance for this. Ever. It's over. You can't get this acting award unless you are in college and I am graduating! And we don't have any more plays that I can be in this year. So it's done! It really sucks.

And I am still throwing a fit about it.

I'M BACK!!!!!

[**Insert Chariots of Fire slow motion run towards you here**]



Did you miss me?! Because I sure missed you all an awful lot!!! I have so much to tell you! Probably way too much for one post but I will try to be concise! I think it was really good and healthy for me to take a break from blogging and I needed it but I am back for awhile now :)

First and most important: I got the lead role in the school play!!!! I am so excited about it! I wanted it SO BAD and I prayed really hard and practiced every day and I am so happy that I got it! It has made my senior year delightful so far!

Here's the kicker: My character is quite the feisty, loud, obnoxious, bouncy girl (type casting I know!) and in one scene...an older man says to my character...

"What you need young lady, is a good old fashioned spanking!"

Seriously he says that to me. Every night.

I have to pray my face doesn't turn red every night.

So. Awkward.

Life taunts me! :)


The second piece of news I have for you is this:

My mom signed me up for an online dating site. A few weeks ago I was crying about how much I wanted a husband and how I wasn't ready last year but I am ready this year...and all the boys at my college are immature and passive and the ones who are mature/aggressive are taken. So she signed me up. I told her I didn't want to because I thought it was stupid...but after awhile curiousity overtook me and I had to check it out.

Here is what I WANTED to find:

Eyes: Brown
Hair: Brown
Occupation: Doctor
Profile: I am a strong man who loves God and life passionately. I love candle light dinners, wine, and long walks on the beach. I can't wait to be a father. I will buy you flowers just because it's Tuesday. I will be a strong Christian leader for you and our family.








Instead, here is what I have been finding:

Eyes: Weird
Hair: Eh
Occupation: i work at a gas station
Profile: Im jus a chill dude all laid back and stuff. Lemme kno if u wanna chat gurl! I dont really kno what I wanna due in life im jus hangin out so call me up and we can c where dis goes.






WHAT?! 

Call me shallow for clicking "not interested" when you can't be bothered to spell out a coherent sentence. If I need someone else to translate your profile then it ain't gonna happen buddy. Ridiculous. 

Seriously I don't think my expectations are that high.

All I want is a boy with brown hair and brown eyes who has a graduate degree or a PhD in anything, a natural born leader, who flosses daily and hates brussel sprouts.

And I'm flexible on the flossing thing...

Vanilla Post...or Is it?

First of all I just want to ask, which one of my posts is NOT vanilla?!




I like Vanilla. A lot. You could say I love it. Vanilla ice cream, vanilla yogurt, vanilla shakes, vanilla milk, vanilla bean coffee. I must always use REAL vanilla extract when cooking. Never that fake knock-off stuff. If its not real vanilla, I can always tell. I like vanilla scented candles, lotions, scnetsy, even my favorite eye shadow is called "vanilla cream."


I LOVE vanilla everything except in my marriage and my sex. HA! And I don't even know for sure about those two things - I'm just guessing.


It's weird to me that I like vanilla because I'd say my personality makes me seem like more of a rocky road double chocolate chunk with sherbet, whip cream and a cherry kinda gal.


I'm loud and boisterous and I lead mischief a lot. On April Fools I got all my classmates together and we went over to my professors house at night and chalked beautiful pictures all over his driveway. I also wrote a three page letter to the president of our college and got a bunch of people to sign it to get a different professor fired. (And if you just started feeling bad for that professor - don't. If you knew even half the things he did you would have been the first one in line to get him fired!)


With mischief like that you would think I would like strawberry carmel fudge drizzle with nuts and sprinkles.


But I don't.


I like vanilla. And I have vanilla posts on a vanilla blog about a not-very vanilla subject with some not-very vanilla friends.


And I like it that way.


It's sort of like French Vanilla.

Love Letter to Him

Dear Husband,


You don't have to be a fairy tale to make my dreams come true. Just be who you really are and I'll always and forever love you. There's lots of men out there that seem to be the top of the line, but you don't have to compare yourself to them as long as you are mine. 


I don't need an Edward Cullen, vampire fangs and all. You don't have to run fast or win a big manly brawl. I don't expect you to sing beautifully or sparkle in the sunlight, write me a lullaby or sing to me every night. 


You don't need to be the affluent man made of money, you are all I need to be in the land of milk and honey. You don't need the biggest car or best stocks that are off the charts, I'll accept homemade presents and construction paper hearts.


You don't have to be an expert Dom or understand all this DD stuff. Whatever you bring to the table, it will be enough. We'll work it out and talk it all through and whatever we come up with, we'll make it do.


My dear husband, you will be better than any Edward Cullen or Christian Grey, because you are a real person at the end of the day. You are a real person with faults and mistakes. We'll get through it together, patch up all the heartaches.


I love you now and I will for the rest of my life, in sickness and in health, in goodness and in strife.


Waiting ever so not-patiently for my knight-to-be,
Love Always and Forever,
Me

Fifty Shades of Me

First and foremost I really cannot even express how grateful I am for all of you being so kind in my last post. I really, really needed to tell someone but I knew I couldn't talk to friends and you guys really helped me. You are great friends! I'm amazed at how I can feel so loved and cared for when I can't even see your faces! Thank you A LOT!






***************************
Sorry this post is a little ramble-y and it's probably more information than you ever wanted to know about me...I'm a little nervous about being so open on a blog...but here 'goes.


Someone online a few weeks ago said "Man for someone your age you really have it together." HA!


I think overall in my life I can appear that I have it together and know what I want. I am proud that I can come off that way but it is completely not the truth. At all. I am so messed up!


I am going to talk a bit about 50 Shades of Grey but I promise I will not ruin anything for those that have not read it! And I also promise you won't be lost or confused if you haven't read them - so stay with me here!

The books made me think a lot about dd, sex, bdsm, and all of those other issues that aren't really black and white but are more..."grey."

Honestly if you have not read Fifty Shades of Grey and you are practicing DD - you should. YES it is a bad book, YES it is x-rated, YES it is "women porn", and YES there is a whole hell of a lot of sex. But if you read past that and on to the second and third books you will begin to really see a lot of psychological issues that are worth discussing. If you could look at it from a psychologists perspective and really look at these characters and why they feel the way they do and why they act the way they do, it's really quite interesting. I found the book extremely intriguing and I can't help but think that some of you might as well.

One thing I will ruin but it's really not a surprise or any big mystery - is the title. Christian Grey says he is "Fifty shades of f***** up" and that's where the book got it's title. Christian feels he has a lot of issues, problems, hang-ups and he refers to himself as fifty shades of messed up. That's pretty much how I feel about myself.


I wonder sometimes and I think other people do too, about why I don't have a boyfriend. I am funny and goofy but I know how to be serious, I like to be spontaneous and do crazy things like go on a trip without planning it at all. I am in charge of a lot of programs at school and I love to organize and make a big event turn out seamless! I am skinny but not gangly. I am not nerdy-girl smart but I make A's. I don't pick my nose in public or have weird purple stems growing out of odd places on my body...So what gives? Well..the truth is - I know why.


Up until about two years ago, I didn't even want a boyfriend. Since I've been about 1 years old I have been desperately afraid of men of all kinds. If a boy paid any kind  of attention to me at all I would shut him down and walk away and 99% of the time I did not even realize I was doing it. And not shut him down in a cute "try to catch me" sort of way but in a dangerous "stay far away from me I mean it!" sort of way. It was such a habit to not give anything with a penis the time of day. I would remove myself from any situation in which I might be alone with a man (including even asking a male teacher a question after class -I would ask one of my friends to stay back with me). This was so subconscious as I had been doing it my whole life! For the past few years I've been making an extra effort to not be like this. It's taken a lot of time to break a lifetime of training but I think I've made good progress.


The truth is - and still is true - I am scared of men. They are stronger than me, they are faster than me, they are louder than me and - they can hurt me. Really hurt me. Physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually, mentally. Men can yell different than a woman can. Men can grab your hand in a way that makes your heart stop and run for the hills in a way no woman can. Men are scary. 


IN THEORY - I loved Fifty Shades. I loved the idea of a man being so dominant and so fiercely protective and strong. I loved the idea of some fun power play in the bedroom and a set of rules to obey and punishments if they are broken. I like that idea both in serious life matters with serious punishments and in fun, play sexual matters with fun play sexual punishments.


IN THEORY - I also love sky diving, wheelies on motorcycles, swimming with sharks, taming a bull, being in the middle of a tornado, and kayaking down a waterfall. 


I like a lot of scary/dangerous things. I can be a bit of an adrenaline junkie and sometimes I LIKE things I am afraid of. Sometimes. But sometimes I SAY I like them because I don't want to be a big baby but then in real life when confronted with them I run away crying.

The fact is Fifty Shades of Grey scared me a little bit. Yes, the main character Christian Grey made my heart skip beats in a sexual way, but there was also a part of me that would be scared of him in real life. I do not like the way he handled everything and there were a lot of times I felt he was too rough. And, of course, since I'm all complicated, there were also a lot of times I felt he was not being near consistent enough and he let Ana get away with ANYTHING, when she really really deserved to be in trouble. 

In my mind I began to think of Ana and Christian as being like the life I would live if I chose DD and I got...scared.

What if some awesome man comes in to my life, we fall in love, we get married, I tell him about DD and hand over this HOH-y power and then he just goes crazy with it? He tells me I can't leave the house or I can't do things I love to do or he yells at me and cuts me to the quick? What if he's too rough with me? What if he gets angry and really hurts me? What then? What if he doesn't listen to me when I say "no"?

Some men have been trained in today's world that when a woman says "no" she means "yes." When a woman says she doesn't want sex, what she means is she wants you to be rough with her and force her while she's "pretending" she doesn't want it. 

I want my "no" to mean "no." When I say no - no don't touch me there, no I don't want to do that, no I can't right now, no I don't want to go there, no I don't want you to yell at me, no I don't feel good - I want it to mean "no."  

On the other hand, I also like things I read in Fifty Shades and in blogland about men being so in charge and even sometimes a little bit rough - only when it's all in good fun and both sides completley agree.

And I suppose that is part of why I like DD. 


What the hell?! What is that? What is wrong with me?!? It's like a small child who is gravely afraid of any type of airplane and yet goes to school to become a pilot. Who does that?!


"I'm really afraid of men. I don't even ride in an elevator with one alone EVER. Hmm so I think I want a relationship where he can spank me and has the ultimate say about things."  Ug. I confuse myself so much.


I still want DD I am just trying to figure out why. 


I think there is just something to be said for someone who has the power to hurt you and yet doesn't exercise it. There is something so magnificent about handing someone power and saying "here you can do whatever you want" and they turn around and only use their power for good.

I also think part of the reason I get so scared sometimes is because my husband is yet to be found. It's hard to trust someone you don't know. Right now he's just a figment of my imagination and it's hard for me to even comprehend that there could be a man out there that I could really like and trust. I feel so blind sometimes, having faith in a man I don't really know exists. I am trusting in a man I have never met. When he's here, I probably won't feel as scared as I feel now because I'll know who he is and he'll know who I am.

When we get to know each other and I see him face to face and know that he knows me and cares about me deeply, I will be able to trust him more. 


And then someday if I could talk to him and tell him that I feel scared and that my no means no, I would feel better. I think we will have to have some "rules for him" of things that really scare me. We will have to work out all this DD stuff. It's not black and white for everyone - it's grey. And every couple has a different shade that matches them perfectly. It's complicated. 


So now here I am. Fifty shades of messed up. I am just me. Waiting for some boy to come in to my life so I can tell him I want him to be rough with me but very gently, I want him to be in charge but not controlling, I want him to spank me but always be sensitive to my needs, I want him to understand that I do want DD but I am still scared. I'll have to tell him all those bad things that happened to me that I really don't want to tell him and he'll have to be patient and understanding.


And he'll have his own fifty shades that we will work through too.


And it will be 100 shades of us.

Why I Should Marry a Doctor

Well, why shouldn't I?


This past week was my birthday week and it got me reflecting on my life and the many phases I have gone through! My mom and I were laughing about all the "man-I'm-going-to-marry phases." I've had several and I thought it would be funny to share! 


*An emo kid/Musician
    Age: 7th to 8th grade
    Pro: He could write me songs!
    Con: I was depressed enough in jr. high without an emo boy's influence! 

Sexy voice: Hey babe, I slit my wrists in the shape of a heart just for you!!


*A jock
   Age: 9th - 10th grade
   Pro: They are super popular! And then I could be super popular too!
   Con: Sometimes, specifically in high school, jocks tend to be a little more on the jerky stuck up side

Sexy Voice: Hey babe, I'd like to make a touchdown on you!

*Fireman
    Age: 11th grade 
    Pro: We could pretend that there is lava on the floor and jump around on the beds and he could rescue me from "fires" and "put me out" ;)
    Con: I still can't think of a con for this. Firemen are HOTT!

Sexy Voice: Hey babe, will you hold my fire hose?

*Youth Pastor
  Age: 12th grade  Pro: A man who can get away with dressing in skinny jeans and converse even when he's 34.
  Con: Jr. High drama from the youth group all the time? yuk!

Sexy voice: Hey baby, lets pray before we get it on.

*Vampire

   Age: 18 - 19

    Pro: He's a vamp. Duh. Fighting of werewolves, rich, feeds on blood, he glitters - I mean what could be sexier right??
     Con: This type of man is exceptional difficult to find.

Sexy voice: I should kill you but I love you so much that I'm going to just make out with you instead.



*Professor
   Age: 20 - 21
   Pro: Yes I know, you can make fun of me if you want but  profs are SEXY! They are in charge, educated, tough and fun to debate with.
     Con: They are all old and married. Sad day. Can't there be some 25 year old somewhere with his PhD?!?

Sexy voice: Hey Baby, you really want to make an A?


*Doctor
     Age: 21 - present
     Pro: First and foremost because I am a hypochondriac so instead of going on WebMD every five minutes I could just ask him. Second, he would be mature and educated and that's important to me. Third, well, doctors are just totally HOTT.
    Con: The hours he would have to work :(

Sexy Voice: Hey babe! Wanna play doctor? 

WINNER!

So I'm still in my doctor phase now. So if you know of any sexy doctors...send them my way! ;)

Marriage Relationship vs. Parenting Relationships

Have you ever seen the movie "Parenthood" with Steve Martin? If you have not YOU NEED TO SEE IT! It is THE BEST presentation about marriages, parenting, children and life! It is so honest and raw and it really has a lot to say if you pay attention. It really is a must see for any person who has kids, wants kids, works with kids, or knows kids. I am not kidding - all of you go watch it RIGHT NOW! It is SUCH A GREAT MOVIE! 

We are required to watch it and write about it for one of my marriage and family classes in college and I just love it. Go see it and tell me what you think! (*Side note: It may not be something you would want your children to see depending on how young they are.)

So now that I've convinced you to go see it - I wanted to ask a little discussion question. You don't have to have seen the movie to answer! I want anyone's opinion regardless of where you stand in life at the moment, whether you have kids or not.


The movie is made up of about four or five marriages (or lack thereof) and how they work or don't work. One of the major sturggles I see in marriages all around me and portrayed in this movie is the idea that one of the parent's relationship with their children interferes with the marriage relationship. One parent will spend the majority of their time, money, and energy with the kids; making over-protective parents who cling to their kids more than anything, or who are trying to work with their kids to create some sort of prodigy.


I try to be careful about saying what I do because of privacy but all through college I have worked at a government agency with foster kids. I love each and every one of them dearly and I would take them all home in a heartbeat. Their stories are devastating and they make me bawl! "Mommy wanted to be with daddy even though he was sexually abusing me." and "Mommy wanted to be with her boyfriend because he has drugs for her and I don't." This is obviously representative of the other side of the spectrum. Children whose parents do not have a regard at all for their well-being and chose their other relationships over that of their children.


Awhile back on Stormy's blog, she posted in response to a question I had asked:


"The kids aren't all that curious when we go out [to the shed], because they are used to us just wanting to spend time together. They are used to us going on short walks together (we both love being outside) . We are teaching them that moms and dads like to be together, we are friends, we want to be alone sometimes. Each night we have a time together, sitting and talking about the day, and they are not allowed to interrupt us unless somebody is bleeding..or killing a sibling. I think its really important for children to know that couplehood is first, parenthood is second. Our relationship makes or breaks the family unit."


That answer just totally blew me away because I had never heard anyone say that before! Most people (in my unhealthy family circle) will admit that their kids are more important because they are "only in the house a little while before they are all grown up" or they will just say basically the kids are on their own and they don't care.


So what do you guys think? Is marriage first? If so, how do you make that clear to your children? Of course there are times when you have to put your children first (when they broke their arm and you need to take them to the hospital instead of making dinner for your dear HOH, etc.) So I guess my main question is how do you find that balance? Is this a discussion you and your husband have ever had to have? How does this influence DD? 


You don't have to answer all of these questions but I would love to read all of your in-depth, rambling opinions!! :)






P.S.  Go watch the movie! I beg of you!! 

No Spanking Coupon

Everyone has been talking to me lately about using where I'm at and being thankful for it. I do take it to heart and I appreciate all the advice I get! When most people tell me to take advantage of being single what they mean is: go traveling, go out to a bar, meet lots of people, learn a new hobby, etc.


I think I've done all of the above! Well when YOU GUYS tell me to take advantage of being single, I think you may mean something a little different. ;)


So I just wanted to let everyone know that I spent this wonderful summer day doing all of the following:








*Rolling my eyes. All the time. At everything everyone says.


*Yelling "WHATEVER!" loudly

*Spending hours and hours and HOURS online!


*Choosing my own bedtime and then changing it at the spur of the moment


*Not making dinner, cleaning the house, or doing any sort of chore


*Letting the laundry pile up

*Adopting every stray animal I see


*Sighing heavily, stomping and slamming doors


*Playing Words with Friends on my Ipad for hours upon hours


*Calling my dentist and telling him that I hate him and I am never EVER seeing him again so he can just cancel all my appointments for the rest of my life!!


*Turning my phone off and completely ignoring all my calls and texts


*Never ironing anything


*Being a backseat driver, arguing, and being sarcastic


And last but not least (have I made you all jealous yet?) I've spent my day being single waving around my No Spanking Hall Pass! Just because I am single and I can do that! Yes, I am a nerd, I know :)

Wait! I Changed My Mind!

This week was finals week so I was extra tired and cranky. By the time I laid down on my bed, my eyes were burning! I was so tired and it felt amazing to let my heavy eyelids close. Just as I was drifting off to a peaceful, content sleep...








My husband suddenly flung the door open and marched in!

"I hope you aren't asleep. We still have business to take care of."

"What business?" I asked innocently although I knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Get up please." he won't engage in my pretend game of innocence

I got up sleepily and pulled off my shorts, while he sat on the bed and waited for me. I walked over to his side very bravely and then I suddenly realized what I was doing!

Oh my gosh!

"Wait!!" Large tears formed in my eyes and began to spill over. "Wait I changed my mind! I don't want this anymore!!" I took one step back and started to cry.

There was a slight chuckle in his voice "Little girl, you are too far in to change your mind now. Come here."

"But...but wait! I'm scared!"

His big arms reached out and held me tightly for a moment. "Baby don't be scared!" His arms are strong and they made me feel safe and secure. "It's all going to be okay, I promise. Now come on."

I realized that he's right. It will all be okay because I trust him with my whole life. So I laid myself over his lap and he raised his hand in the air...




















And then I always wake up at this part... **happy sigh**

Could This Be Unhealthy?

I don't know. I've just been thinking lately. (A terrible past time, I know) 

I think maybe this is borderline unhealthy for me. "This" being this blog, my obsession with this lifestyle, etc. I don't think it's unhealthy to practice DD - I just think it may be unhealthy for me, as a single person, to be so consumed with it.


It's like an obsession to find my husband. Where is he? Could that be him?? Or maybe that one? What will it be like? All of it - what will it be like when we go out on dates? When he kisses me? When we get engaged? Will I cry? What about when we get married? What will my wedding look like? What will sex be like? What will our marriage be like? Will he agree to this lifestyle or will he think I'm nuts? What would a spanking be like? Will I cry? Will I be mad at him or would it really help us? What would it feel like to be held and cared for so deeply?


It's consuming. I can't help it. It fills my thoughts almost every day. So I started to consider how I might change this pattern if it were, in fact, unhealthy for me.


I came to the conclusion that I am not any more consumed with DD or a husband right now then I was before starting this blog - because honestly - I thought about all of those questions JUST AS MUCH before this blog. And if I were to delete it I believe I would still think those same things just as much as I do now. So I don't think the blog is causing the possibly unhealthy consuming thoughts. It's just me...


And don't misunderstand - it's not that I am sitting home twiddling my thumbs hoping some prince will knock on my door. Nope. I am super involved in my school - double-majoring, student government, meetings literally every single night, study groups, leadership teams, ministry groups, extra-curricular activities, part time job, social clubs. Plus I volunteer weekly for a cause I really truly care about. I am already making plans for after graduation - applying to grad school and planning on moving across the country to pursue my biggest career dream. I am not just sitting home waiting for some man to come along. Honestly if he walked in right now I might not have time for him! hahaha! Yet - between all these things I have going - I still manage to find times to feel just a little bit lonely. I still find times to wonder where he is - or if he's even out there? I mean no one told me I was going to get married. It's not a guarantee that there is someone for me. What if I just end up an old lady with cats?? 


 My friends tell me I analyze things too much. Anyways - just some thoughts. Tell me your opinion - I love to hear them :)