That Boy Part 2/Why I Need Boundaries

I've run into that BOY some more in the past few days and it made me think that maybe....I sorta kinda a little bit maybe like him. But don't tell anyone!


I guess maybe I like him a little more then I let on or else I wouldn't have written a whole post about him. I don't know what it is. I don't WANT to like him, but something about him is just a little irresistible.


I was eating lunch with a group of my friends and he was there. I had eaten a lot and still had a bunch of french fries on my plate but I am really obsessive about calories and so I didn't want to eat them. I pushed my plate back and said "Don't let me eat any more of these!"


That BOY took my plate and said "if you reach over here for them, I will slap your hand!" I laughed and said okay. He looked at me across the table and said "No I'm serious. I will slap it really hard. I don't hit girls unless they ask me to."


OH MY GOSH.




THAT.




BOY.






He is such a spanko and he doesn't even know it!!

The only problem is...I don't trust him. I know trust comes in time after getting to know someone, but I just think that this boy has anger issues and I guess to be honest, maybe he scares me just a little tiny bit. I think it's more then him being naturally dominant, I think he has abusive tendencies. I know he has some issues from his childhood and I know he's overly aggressive. Part of it is just who he is, but part of it I think is issues he needs to work through. And that's one reason why I want to stay away from him even though he has some good qualities.


I liked what he said at the table. It was cute. I believed that he would slap my hand and I did not test him. Had a million other friends not been there, I might have, just for fun.


It's a turn on for me to have someone be so strong. It really is. I want someone to lead me, which is actually kinda hard to do.


Here's something you guys may not know about me and actually would probably never guess reading this blog. I have something called "spunk." I am a leader. I stand up for things. I have NO PROBLEM telling someone what I think. I am the girl who will tell the waiter to take the food back if it's wrong and I'm the girl who will raise my hand and tell my college professor that I completely disagree with him. It's not necessarily a bad thing but I can be extremely disrespectful when I don't get my way. I have gumption and therefore people often work with me and just let me get my way anyways. I know that sounds so spoiled and I don't mean for it to sound like that, it's just that its how things have worked thus far. It's actually a great thing because it's the main quality necessary for the dream job I want and so I believe it will get me far but it does cause a problem sometimes in relationships. My friends get tired of arguing with me because I am more stubborn than them and so they just give in. I want someone who won't get tired of it and won't just give in.


Both my parents were just so soft-spoken and quiet and I was the one who would say "this is how it's going to be!" and they would let me! It was bad. That's how I ended up so insecure because I didn't have boundaries or structure or rules to follow growing up. I never had chores. I never got grounded. I just basically did what I wanted. And while to some, this may sound like the epitome of the best teenage life ever, it wasn't. I WANTED rules. I WANTED my parents to tell me no. I would push issues just to see if they would tell me no and they wouldn't.


Anyways, my point in saying all this is that I need a man who can really tell me no. I picture someone like Stormy's ogre. Someone who is just naturally dominant and not afraid to say what he wants. I need someone with as much gumption as me. And honestly, in today's world, thats hard to find.


So back to this BOY. He has more gumption than me. But he also has some anger issues and I suppose I would be afraid that if we were ever in a relationship that maybe he wouldn't listen to me if he got mad. HECK I might not even have to tell him about DD, I'm pretty sure he would just haul off and spank me anyways because he is very aggressive like that. I would be a little bit afraid. And that's not what I want.


There's a difference between respect and fear. A big difference. And what I feel for him is not quite respect.


I just want someone like him, but better. I don't want someone abusive or someone who yells all the time or anything like that. Just someone with more gumption than me.


Man I have issues!! ugg! I hate feeling this way! Anyways, I just wanted to write it out here because I can't really share it with anyone else.


He has a girlfriend so this is all just a moot point I guess.


(Funny story - I used to think it was "mute" point because I thought that's what people were saying instead of moot. I have since been corrected. HA! And to think I am going to grad school! bahaha!)

The Boy Who Makes Me Hug Him

So there's this boy.


I don't like anything about him. He's rude, he's immature, he's stuck-up and conceited, he's not a good Christian, I cannot STAND his family, he's not going anywhere in life, he hangs out with bad people, his laugh is annoying, AND he's not very attractive. 


But there's one tiny little quality about him that I like. He's a man. Not just like any man - I mean he's an HOH man. He makes decisions and is firm and people listen to him. He's actually one of my good friend's brother so I see him quite often and when he comes over we always joke together. He'll say rude things on purpose to get my feathers ruffled because he thinks it's funny, I'll refuse to talk to him anymore, (see how mature college kids are?) and then he always makes me hug him or talk to him again. He'll say "Come over here and give me a hug right now!"


And I want to refuse. And believe me, I try. But he's soo...strong. And demanding. Not in a dangerous way, he wouldn't hurt me. But he always presents such a commanding presence that I can't help but hug him when he tells me I have to. One time I succeeded in not listening to him and I left the room. He followed me quickly and hug-attacked me and told me I have to listen to him when he tells me to hug him.


**dreamy sigh**


But, he seriously has the maturity of a twelve-year-old and I just can't deal with that. He could never sit and talk about political issues or be serious about a sad situation. And he's rude and selfish. He would never listen to me or try to care about the things that I care about, or let me express anything I am REALLY thinking. For him everything is funny or about him.


I want both. I want someone who is sweet and kind and tender and gentle, yet can be a man and take charge at the same time, ya know? I want someone to take care of me when I am sick and yet be firm with me when I am well. I want someone who could listen to me and my thoughts and ideas and not turn everything in to a joke.


And don't worry, I would never settle for this guy. But it is a thought that's crossed my mind before - IF he changed his whole life around and cleaned up real good I would certainly jump on that boat...but that is most likely not going to happen, so for now I have to just keep waiting. For a man who could somehow be this paradox!

I Spy a DD Couple

Okay so maybe I am paranoid. Actually, I KNOW I am...but I swear I saw a DD couple.


I was studying with my friends (story of my life! All I ever do is homework! UG!) at a restaurant and we were getting a little restless. We had been studying for several hours and I don't have a long attention span so I often find myself people watching. I was studying a waitress intently as she cleaned the booth right next to us and then set the table for new customers. The booth wasn't empty long and soon an older couple (I say older as in like age 55 - yes I realize that isn't old - I only said older ;) ) sat down.


The first thing I noticed is that they were holding hands. Awww! Then they went and sat down NEXT to each other in the booth - on the same side. I hardly ever see couples do that!!


One of my two majors in college is about marriage - so I am always watching married people and their communication patterns and the way they interact with one another, etc. I was very interested and I started studying them intently. They were snuggling up next to each other while reading the menus and giggling as they discussed what to order.


After placing their order the husband got out his phone and they began looking at facebook pictures. AND THEN THE HUSBAND SAID "oh look at this picture! She needs a spanking!" and his wife said "Oh stop!" and playfully hit him!

I almost. fell. out. of. my. booth.


My mouth dropped down to the floor but of course I was with my friends so I couldn't say anything! None of them had heard - they were all engrossed in their books.


I kept thinking maybe this is someone I know! Maybe it's someone from blogland!


I watched them carefully the whole rest of the time, while I was studying for my tests, of course. I'm sure they thought I was such a creep! As they left I gave them both a large smile as if to say "I know your secret!" The husband smiled back sweetly as he escorted his wife out, hand in hand.


**sigh** Someday it will be me.

Could This Be Unhealthy?

I don't know. I've just been thinking lately. (A terrible past time, I know) 

I think maybe this is borderline unhealthy for me. "This" being this blog, my obsession with this lifestyle, etc. I don't think it's unhealthy to practice DD - I just think it may be unhealthy for me, as a single person, to be so consumed with it.


It's like an obsession to find my husband. Where is he? Could that be him?? Or maybe that one? What will it be like? All of it - what will it be like when we go out on dates? When he kisses me? When we get engaged? Will I cry? What about when we get married? What will my wedding look like? What will sex be like? What will our marriage be like? Will he agree to this lifestyle or will he think I'm nuts? What would a spanking be like? Will I cry? Will I be mad at him or would it really help us? What would it feel like to be held and cared for so deeply?


It's consuming. I can't help it. It fills my thoughts almost every day. So I started to consider how I might change this pattern if it were, in fact, unhealthy for me.


I came to the conclusion that I am not any more consumed with DD or a husband right now then I was before starting this blog - because honestly - I thought about all of those questions JUST AS MUCH before this blog. And if I were to delete it I believe I would still think those same things just as much as I do now. So I don't think the blog is causing the possibly unhealthy consuming thoughts. It's just me...


And don't misunderstand - it's not that I am sitting home twiddling my thumbs hoping some prince will knock on my door. Nope. I am super involved in my school - double-majoring, student government, meetings literally every single night, study groups, leadership teams, ministry groups, extra-curricular activities, part time job, social clubs. Plus I volunteer weekly for a cause I really truly care about. I am already making plans for after graduation - applying to grad school and planning on moving across the country to pursue my biggest career dream. I am not just sitting home waiting for some man to come along. Honestly if he walked in right now I might not have time for him! hahaha! Yet - between all these things I have going - I still manage to find times to feel just a little bit lonely. I still find times to wonder where he is - or if he's even out there? I mean no one told me I was going to get married. It's not a guarantee that there is someone for me. What if I just end up an old lady with cats?? 


 My friends tell me I analyze things too much. Anyways - just some thoughts. Tell me your opinion - I love to hear them :)

Mom, I Want A Husband Who Spanks Me

Yep. I said that. Want to see what my mom looked like??

She doesn't freak out about much and she didn't "freak out" but she did ask a lot of questions. She was thoughtful and more then a little bit concerned.


It all started because she was noting how my relationship with God has changed so much in the past few months. I used to be really angry with God for a lot of things in my life, I was really not respectful, I would yell at Him all the time for making things in my life not work out and I would criticize His timing, His plans, and I told Him all the time that I could do it better. It was like a bad marriage. It's comical to me, even now typing this that I say God and I were headed for the end of the road when I decided to start viewing Him as my HOH. That concept revolutionized the way I related to Him in every area. When I started to think of things like God gently correcting me because He loves me and wants to protect me, I stopped getting so angry when I got caught doing bad things. When I started submitting to His leadership, life just worked a whole lot easier.

My mom noticed a big difference in my life, how church suddenly became important and how I stopped hanging out with some friends who weren't so great for me. When she asked me why the change, I started to try to explain it to her but I couldn't explain properly without just telling her the whole shabang. My mom and I really tell each other EVERYTHING so I'm kind of surprised I kept this from her for so long in the first place. I felt that she would find out eventually and it seemed like a good time to tell her. She had lots of questions...

"So is this just like a sexual thing?"

"No. Of course there's sexual aspects to it, but it's not about sex. It's not a game. It's a serious way to help remind me to be respectful and to help my husband be the leader."

She was quiet for a little bit and then she said "I just don't want you to be abused. I think it could very easily become abuse! How do you know the line?"

I assured her there IS a definite line and I DEFINITELY know where it is. I told her he's not allowed to hit me anywhere else on my body and it's not just something for him to do when he's angry. It's a shared agreement and it's consensual. Abuse isn't consensual. Abuse causes harm and discord and hurt, DD doesn't do any of those things. I tried to explain this all to her very delicately, and she listened but she still seemed concerned.


A few minutes later she said "Do you think a man would ever really do that lovingly? Men are very controlling and power hungry and you give them a little bit of control and it could be scary." (See where I get my unhealthy view of men?! No wonder!! SHEESH!)


"Yes mom there are lots of really good Christian men who do this and they are very sweet and loving! I promise!"


"Have you ever met any couples that practice this?"


"Umm...well....not in person!" We kind of started talking about other things and then at the very end of the conversation she said


"Just please be careful."


"I will mom." :)


So that's it. Mom knows now. And we probably won't talk about it again for at least ten more years!

DD Dress

Thought some of you might be interested in this dress! ;)

If your HOH is interested in buying you one...I found it here:

http://www.incrediblethings.com/style-and-gear/crack-kills-super-sexy-butt-cleave-dress/

Come on Boys STEP IT UP

Come on! Be a man! Step it up!


Last week I went to an event at my university - I don't think it was supposed to be romantic but it was. There were elegant tables set up and free coffee, and beautiful LIVE jazz music and a jazzy singer. Of course couples began to dance and gaze lovingly into each others eyes and clasp hands. YUK! My roommate and I found a table mostly empty except for one beautiful boy and we asked if we could sit there.


This boy had cute nerdy classes and brown eyes and brown shaggy hair. He was thoroughly enjoying the music and I must say he was adorable. I text some of my friends who were also at the event and asked if they knew the boy at the table I was at and if he was single. They said he was and they told me his name. In between songs I casually introduced myself and asked about his major, job, social security number (just kidding), etc.


He's single. He's a Christian. He's cute. He's graduated from college already. He has a place to live and a steady job. He loves missions and has already been over seas for a semester. He communicated well. He likes jazz music and coffee. WINNER!


My mom called me so I excused myself for a moment and went out to a hallway. I got teary eyed as I explained to her how everyone was dancing together and how I was SINGLE. I calmed down and hung up and went back to my table.


And then the most amazing thing happened. That boy. He looked at me and said "Would you like to dance with me?"

And of course I did. It was awful and we were stepping all over each other's feet and running in to things and giggling. But I loved it! We danced the entire song and then sat back down.


And that was it. We were done. We sat another thirty minutes until it was time to leave and then I said "Thank you for dancing with me!" And that was it. Done. Over. Nothing.


I may never see him again! He already graduated so I won't see him around campus. What's a girl to do? I WANT to give him my phone number and stalk him on facebook and send him a message and invite him to hang out sometime.


BUT I CAN'T.


Why? Because I'm the girl. Because I want a man who is a leader. Because I don't want to be the one who takes charge all the time. If he really really liked me he would have done something like found me on facebook (not hard to do because he knows where I go to school and some other friends sat with us who are friends in common so all he has to do is look at their pages and find me...I'm the only person in the whole world with my name...) He could have said "I hope to see you next time." Or "Yeah let's dance again next time." Or anything. But he didn't.


I'm so sick of this waiting game.