Who's Your Daddy? The Electra Complex

I apologize in advance for this rambling post. I'm in a horrible funk lately and can't seem to pull myself out of it....

Here's what's in my stormy head... 


Most days I am an adult. I wake up and interact healthily with all those around me and I go to class and I pay the bills, I put on my big girl panties and even kill spiders when I have to. Life happens but I DEAL. I have a wonderful group of friends who surround me and love me and care about me. I come home and I pray for a man who will be a great husband to me.

But then there are other days. Days that I don't really wake up on the healthy side of life. Days that I barely get out of bed and interacting with others is a chore. I don't use my best judgement, I don't watch my words or my reactions and things just don't really turn out real well. My friends get busy and don't have time for me. I get bogged down with homework and applications for this dooming after-college life that is approaching much too quickly. And a sudden deep loneliness begins to rumble way down in my soul.

And I don't really want a husband on these nights. On these nights...I just want a daddy. I want a daddy to come home and hold me and tell me it will all be alright. A daddy to tell me I am lovely and I am worth pursuing and I am beautiful and I am his little girl that he will protect.

It's confusing to me because I don't know what's healthy. I don't know what's normal. I don't know what is okay for me. Do I want a husband or a dad? Is it unhealthy to expect a husband to fulfill dad-like roles? Is that all this is? Is that what I want in DD? If so does that make me the most horrible, awful, pathetic and psychotic person alive?

When talking about this dynamic with the few people who know about it, they have remarked things like "I wouldn't want my husband to be like my father."

And I agree. Sort of. I agree in that I don't want to be treated like a child.

I do not want to be treated as uneducated or less than, I do not want to be talked down to or belittled or humiliated. I want to be an adult with an opinion that is heard. I want to be respected. I want it to be acknowledged that there may be some matters in life that I do know more about than my husband and vice versa. I want to be treated as an adult fully capable of taking care of myself and making wise decisions.

And yet...I still want to be his little girl. 

I don't mind being seen as a bit fragile. A little girl in a big scary world who needs protecting and guidance at times. Who needs big arms to hold her close and maybe be just a bit...fatherly to her.


There are a select few men in my life who are wonderful, amazing, Christian men who care about me in a fatherly way. They inspire me in school and they truly want what is best for me.

But sometimes I get confused. I love spending time with them. I love talking to them about life and I love getting their opinion and I love buying them gifts and then I start to worry...do I like them? Surely not. I mean I don't want to have sex with them. That's super gross. But I do get jealous when they talk to anyone else. I do look forward to seeing them all day. I do go completely out of my way for them and re-arrange life just so I can spend more time with each of them.

I get so confused. Do I like him or do I like like him? Do I just like how fatherly he is? Is that normal? Is there any other girl in the whole world who feels this way?


Sometimes...when I dream about my life in the future, I think about DD and I mostly just think about the "afterwards." The cuddling and the sweet talk and him rubbing my back and making me feel better. The afterwards is the best part.

I think I mostly want DD for the afterwards. I want to be able to just cry and be held for a long time and cuddled. That sounds like Heaven. I wonder what that feels like for a man to just be so gentle and sweet? There's a memory somewhere in my brain from a long time ago of sitting on my stepdads lap and him rubbing my back - it's the best memory I have of him ever. Or any man ever for that matter.

Some nights, like tonight, I'm just a little girl. Lonely. Longing for a man, any man, to just be a father. I have a big hair bow in my hair, a stuffed animal in my hand and I lay down on my Disney Princess comforter and I just cry. Tonight, I don't want sex and I don't want spanking and I don't want to talk. Tonight, I just want to be held and cuddled by a man who could pretend to be my father.

Oh if only Freud had met me!

Lets Get Physical: Guilt and Spankings

I think my brain is different than most people's. Or maybe I just have some crazy disease that no one else has ever heard of!

I am the only person I know who has PHYSICAL things happen when they feel something passionately. Most normal people have physical things happen when they are excited sexually but that's not what I'm talking about here. 

Sometimes when I get really excited about something, I think about it so much that I get a throbbing headache and I have to force myself to calm down.

When I get very, very sad I have pains in my chest. It is not simply my imagination. They are real, painful and very scary chest pains.

I have been to the emergency room and several doctors for it on many different occasions because I have often been afraid I was having a heart attack or something. They ran multiple tests and absolutely nothing is wrong with my heart or my lungs.

I had one doctor tell me it was just a panic attack. But I don't have heavy breathing or panicky feelings or anything like that when it happens so I have trouble believing it's a panic attack. I am simply very sad about something.

Who knows? The point is that I am a PHYSICAL person and I think about thing in PHYSICAL terms and I respond to things better that are PHYSICALLY in front of me.

I think DD greatly appeals to the physical part of me. 

There is something to be said for the physical absolution of it. I am not very good at simply "moving on" from things or just "letting it go." (And saying "not very good at" is an understatement. I completely and utterly suck at it.)

When I get in a fight with one of my friends, after it is over I always want to buy them something or make them something special. It's not good enough for me to say "I'm sorry." I feel like I have to physically show them. I know it's not expected, but I don't ever really feel like it's all over until I do something physical to show it.

My professor was talking about guilt the other day and suddenly it all made sense to me.

I feel guilty. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough for me because I still feel rotten inside. I need something physical.

This past weekend I was visiting home and I told my mom about some shoes I reeeeeeeally wanted. She said she could get them for me as a late Christmas present! YAY! I was so excited and looked forward to it all weekend.

Right before we left for the mall my mom said something that frustrated me and I started a long argument with her. When we got in the car to go get the shoes I didn't even want them. I mean I wanted them but I felt so bad inside that I didn't really want them anymore. I told her not to get them for me and that I was sorry I started the argument. She said it was no big deal and she got me the shoes anyways but I just felt so....guilty.

I couldn't understand why I felt that way and I just chalked it up to being some sort of self-sabotaging behavior. I just wanted something physical so I could "feel" more forgiven.

The physicalness of DD is so awesome to me because I can just see how it works. It's a physical thing - a way to tell my brain that it's over, to let it go, to stop thinking about it, to stop saying sorry and to stop feeling guilty.


Love to hear your thoughts as always!
I wish I could PHYSICALLY give you all a hug! :)

How To Get out of A Spanking

I just thought this would help you all out. You know, if you needed an emergency escape plan ;)

Throwing A Fit

Please forgive me!! I promise I am back to blogging! I have a lot of posts in my drafts that just need to be edited and then I will post them! I have so much to tell you all and I really miss you when I'm not here! :)

I told you about that play I was in?! Yeah well it sucked up my whole life! That and I have a huge senior project that all the seniors have to do that I am working on right now...I just want to graduate and be done with it! ugg!! I should be back to blogging more regularly now that the play is over!

Anyways the play was fantastic. I have always, always dreamed about having a lead role. I wanted the whole play to be just about me and then I got it! It was really amazing and it took a lot of time and energy but it was worth every second!

You think I could be satisfied with that right? You think I got everything I ever wanted and I should just be content? Yeah well I thought I would be. But give me an inch...

There is an acting award that two people out of the play get. It ALWAYS ALWAYS goes to the person who got the lead role. That's just how it works. That's the way it has always been. But we got a stupid new professor whom I absolutely loathe and no one told him how it works.

I wanted that award SO BAD. I was already planning what I was going to do when I got it! It would have been the topper to my senior year! It would have been so amazing! And I would have been able to go to a competition! I was soo so excited....

And then today we found out that two underclassman got the award. 

This just happened a few hours ago so I'm still pretty upset.

I feel completely robbed of what was rightfully earned by me! It's totally unfair! I worked so freaking hard for that part and I worked so hard every single night in rehearsal and I don't even get the award?! It's totally unfair. I am a senior!! Those underclassman have so many more chances! It's totally unfair! This professor and I don't get along very well and I swear he picked these other two people because they are his favorites. I hate him so much! 

I know I am a grown up but sometimes I still just really like to throw fits. I know it's horrible and I feel so stupid afterwards, but I still throw them. I try not to but when I had hoped for something so much I just can't handle the disappointment!! I try so hard to be mature but...but sometimes I just want to SCREAM!

The bad thing about throwing fits though is that I have to be the fit thrower AND the calmer downer.

I want to be able to kick and scream and say a whole bunch of completely irrational and unrealistic things. "THIS IS REALLY STUPID! THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR! I HATE EVERYTHING! I AM NEVER EVER EVER DOING ANYTHING IN THEATRE EVER AGAIN. GOD NEVER GIVES ME WHAT I WANT. I AM NEVER EVEN TALKING TO THAT STUPID PROFESSOR EVER AGAIN! I HATE EVERYONE!"

I want to say all that. And I want to throw something across the room. And I want to throw a few cuss words in there too. But I want someone else here to respond. I want someone to shake me and say "HEY! Get a hold of yourself. Is this really that important?! When you get to Heaven is God going to only let Irene Ryan nominees in?! When you interview for a job are they going to say 'Hey, have you ever been nominated for an Irene Ryan?'" And then I want him to say "If you don't knock it off, you are going to get a spanking!"

And of course I wouldn't knock it off because I am just so angry. I need to just scream and cry. I need to just let it all out. And I have no mode of getting all this energy out. It's like all this pent up anger and hurt and disappointment and nowhere to put it. It never gets emptied out. 

I have to be my own reason and logic when I don't want to be. Of course I can say all the irrational things I want. But I also have to be the one to come back to myself and say the realistic things and talk myself out of it.


I did text my friend and pretty much say tons of ridiculous, rude unrealistic things. She is a lot older than I am (like by 30 years) and sometimes more like a mom than a friend and so she text back that she thought I was more mature than that.

Yeah well I'm not.

I won't ever get another chance for this. Ever. It's over. You can't get this acting award unless you are in college and I am graduating! And we don't have any more plays that I can be in this year. So it's done! It really sucks.

And I am still throwing a fit about it.

Domestic Discipline...I mean Violence...I mean...Oops

My school is having a "Domestic Violence" campaign right now. There are little ribbons hanging all over the trees on campus and a booth set up in the student commons area. 

It's great to bring awareness about such a serious issue and I am glad it has sparked some good discussions among the students. The only problem is...




I life in constant fear of accidentally saying "Domestic Discipline" in stead of violence...because I'm so used to discipline being the next word!! It just naturally flows in my head. I think about it all the time and I hear "Discipline" much more often than I do "violence." 

It's like someone saying "Go above and!"

You naturally have to finish the sentence with "Beyond!"


I know the two are very, very different things. I just have to be very, VERY conscious about what I say and speak slowly so I don't have to answer a lot of questions!!

Sharing My Blog With An Outsider

It's a scary thing, sharing a blog like this with someone in the "outside world." Should you or should you not? It's like a flower with endless petals to pull off...I should...I should not!...I should!...I should NOT!

I have never shared my blog with anyone I know in real life. I have told one of my friends about DD and I gave her links to YOUR blogs but not mine. I assume she is smart enough to read the comments and find my blog if she really wanted to but I don't think she has yet.

Now I have been talking to someone else about marriage (but I didn't mention anything to her about DD) and wondering if I should share my blog with her. I told her I would send her the link. But now I want to chicken out... 

Here's my story, tell me what you think.

One time when I was about thirteen I had a dream about this teacher that I liked spanking me. I really didn't understand it but I knew it was odd. I remember feeling alone and not really knowing what was going on with me. I knew I could never ever tell ANYONE something as crazy as that.

There was a girl about four or five years older than me, a mentor type, who went to the same church as I did and every once in awhile her and I would chat about things. I looked up to her (and I still do even though we don't talk much anymore) and I always wanted to know her opinions about boys and life. One time we were talking online and we began talking about sex. She mentioned spanking just briefly and then we both completely changed the subject.

I didn't know what to think. The first thing I felt was relieved - is this some sort of sexual thing that no one told me about? Why wasn't this in the American Girl body books? How come my mother never mentioned it? 

I never did ask her about it but it always stuck in my mind that just maybe I wasn't so weird after all.

Well that girl went off to college and I ended up choosing the same college a few years later. She graduated from college the same time I graduated from high school so by the time I got here she was gone.

She is now very happily married with an adorable baby and I've often wondered about things...What could she have meant when she said that nine years ago? Does she know about DD? Is that why she is so happily married?

We never see each other anymore or talk except an occasional comment on facebook, but then the other day she just so happened to be back on campus for a little bit! We went out to eat and it was really nice to get caught up. 

We talked a little bit about boys and marriage and I mentioned that I had a blog about marriage. I told her I would send her a link to my blog along with some other things we talked about.

I didn't tell her anything about DD and I guess I don't know why I want to show her my blog but I just do. I suppose just because I want her opinion on this whole thing. I want to know if she knows about it. I want to know if she thinks it's crazy! I want to know if there is anyone in real life (not that you all aren't amazing because you are!!) who could possibly understand?

I read over some of my old posts and they just feel so extremely personal. They are so much a part of who I am, but it's such a different part. A part I never share with anyone except Blogworld. Jokes that others wouldn't understand, stories that wouldn't make sense to outsiders, dreams and aspirations that other unknowing people would spit on. I love my blog and it might not be as active or in-depth as others but it's a wonderful, safe place for me to share my dreams and not feel stupid.

But even if I did share my blog with anyone...how do you explain DD in a post? How do you explain it in ten posts? It's so intricate, it's so complicated. There are so many questions. There are so many different pieces to explain. It's so easily misunderstood that only reading about it may make it seem so different from what it really is. 

So what do you think? I should, I should not? Have you ever shared your blogs with outsiders? How did it turn out? Is it worth it?

I'M BACK!!!!!

[**Insert Chariots of Fire slow motion run towards you here**]



Did you miss me?! Because I sure missed you all an awful lot!!! I have so much to tell you! Probably way too much for one post but I will try to be concise! I think it was really good and healthy for me to take a break from blogging and I needed it but I am back for awhile now :)

First and most important: I got the lead role in the school play!!!! I am so excited about it! I wanted it SO BAD and I prayed really hard and practiced every day and I am so happy that I got it! It has made my senior year delightful so far!

Here's the kicker: My character is quite the feisty, loud, obnoxious, bouncy girl (type casting I know!) and in one scene...an older man says to my character...

"What you need young lady, is a good old fashioned spanking!"

Seriously he says that to me. Every night.

I have to pray my face doesn't turn red every night.

So. Awkward.

Life taunts me! :)


The second piece of news I have for you is this:

My mom signed me up for an online dating site. A few weeks ago I was crying about how much I wanted a husband and how I wasn't ready last year but I am ready this year...and all the boys at my college are immature and passive and the ones who are mature/aggressive are taken. So she signed me up. I told her I didn't want to because I thought it was stupid...but after awhile curiousity overtook me and I had to check it out.

Here is what I WANTED to find:

Eyes: Brown
Hair: Brown
Occupation: Doctor
Profile: I am a strong man who loves God and life passionately. I love candle light dinners, wine, and long walks on the beach. I can't wait to be a father. I will buy you flowers just because it's Tuesday. I will be a strong Christian leader for you and our family.








Instead, here is what I have been finding:

Eyes: Weird
Hair: Eh
Occupation: i work at a gas station
Profile: Im jus a chill dude all laid back and stuff. Lemme kno if u wanna chat gurl! I dont really kno what I wanna due in life im jus hangin out so call me up and we can c where dis goes.






WHAT?! 

Call me shallow for clicking "not interested" when you can't be bothered to spell out a coherent sentence. If I need someone else to translate your profile then it ain't gonna happen buddy. Ridiculous. 

Seriously I don't think my expectations are that high.

All I want is a boy with brown hair and brown eyes who has a graduate degree or a PhD in anything, a natural born leader, who flosses daily and hates brussel sprouts.

And I'm flexible on the flossing thing...