Lonely

One of my good friends just got engaged last night. I'm happy for her really. They had been dating for two years and he's an awesome guy and they are perfect for each other.


I'm happy for her. I am.


But it hurts me a little bit. Or a lot. I just want a boyfriend and everyone else is around me is getting MARRIED and HAVING CHILDREN already! And I don't even have any prospects. No one texting me or asking me out on dates or even on the market! Not a single one! I am sitting in church - a friend on each side of me all cuddled up and holding hands with their wonderful fiancé's, whispering silly things to them and giggling, asking questions about the sermon, wearing their jackets...I'm cold! I want someone's jacket! I want someone's hand to hold. I want to share my thoughts about the sermon. I want someone. I want him to be here. Now. I don't want to wait anymore. 


I don't think my husband is here, at my university. I am moving across the country after graduation so I've been thinking that he's there - on the other side of the country waiting for me. But I don't graduate for awhile. And I don't want to wait that long. I can't. It's too lonely. It's hurts too much. My heart aches. Everyone in my life - my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, brothers, they were all married with kids already by my age. All of them. They were already working on their lives. But I have such a late start. My kids won't even have anyone to play with because everyone else's kids will be teenagers by then. No one will even be excited about my wedding by the time it's here because they will all be planning baby showers and kindergarten graduations.


God is my HOH. He hears my concerns and takes them in to consideration but He makes the final decision. But I would do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING for Him to change His mind and make the man of my dreams to be here now. I can't handle this.


It's lonely.

Someday I'll Tell the Secret

I had dinner with a friend of mine the other day. I should say mentor - she's about twenty years my senior and she is much more of a mentor type person. She used to be my Sunday school teacher when I was very little and she has grown to be a very close friend of the family. We hang out like we are "friends" - but it's usually just me spilling my guts about my life and she listens and gives advice.

We hadn't seen each other in several months and we made arrangements to get together this past week. We went out to eat and she was asking me about my plans and of course a husband came up because that's something I always mention in my hopefully near future. We hadn't seen each other in over six months so she was unaware of my recent decision to want an HOH and be a submissive wife. :)

She laughed when I told her I want my man to be the "head of the household". She literally got out her phone and recorded me saying that because she thinks I'll change my mind. Little does she know! hehe

She is very happily married and has been for several years (20? Maybe? Just a guess) and she agreed that submitting was the only way to make a marriage work well. Someone has to be the leader. You can't both lead. I agreed. She was very proud of my recent decision and she said that "Messing up that dynamic can be painful for your marriage relationship."

I laughed so hard!


I wanted to say "and your butt!" But I didn't.

She kept asking me what made me change my mind. What made me decide I wanted this type of relationship? I refused to tell her any details. I giggled and told her someday when I was happily married I would tell her. I kept shrugging it off as just a recent decision I had made but OF COURSE she won't let anything go! I just kept telling her I would tell her later...when she was older ;)


Finally when she really wouldn't let it go I just said I had read some things that, to me, romanticized the idea of the man being in charge and I decided I wanted that. Don't get me wrong - I understand (as much as I could without being there) that this isn't like happy-go-lucky easy breezy peachy keen lifestyle where everything is perfect. I know it's not romantic a lot of times. I know it's hard. Hard work. And not always fun. I get it. But it was basically what I could tell her that was truthful without a lot of details.

It's not like she would freak out. She wouldn't. She's very open-minded and understanding about everything and she would probably ask a lot of questions and then smile and say she thinks it's cool for me. She's like that. Always open to new ideas and pretty supportive of things once she researches them. I've told her things before that I thought would blow her away but she's pretty solid and knowledgeable.

I don't know why I just didn't want to tell her. It's not time yet ya know?

I think it's funny and maybe someday soon I'll be able to

Marriages in the Movies

Ever see marriages that could use a little...oh...um...how do I put this....DD?! I know DD is not for everyone and I of course wouldn't suggest everyone try it - but I do often see marriages that I just think need some...help.


 Ever heard of Good Luck Charlie? I, being a young college student, still like watching Disney channel and Good Luck Charlie is my favorite show as of late. I love observing the way people interact and the way the writers present certain issues. The marriage between the parents on this show is always hysterical and I love the things they go through together - but I would never want my marriage to be that way. Amy Duncan (the mom in the show) is completely in control and walks all over Bob and the kids not only encourage it but they become a part of it too.


This was the only clip I could find that semi-showed what I'm talking about. In most of the shows the mom is comically over-ruling and belittling  the dad - often in front of the kids and other friends.

I still love the show A LOT and I even laugh when the wife makes off-handed extremely disrespectful comments. But it does make me concerned about how often marriages are portrayed this way and how it is seen as so normal and so comical. Feeling disrespected isn't funny in real life.

Do you see shows like this or is it just me?? One of the best examples I can think of where I see what I would call a healthy marriage portrayed is in The Incredibles! They support each other in front of the kids and try to be kind and understanding of each other even when their family was going through a rough time.

What shows or movies do you see that either portray good marriages or not-so-good? 

A Submissive Wife Kit for Christmas

None of my family or friends know that I am wanting to practice DD in my future marriage, BUT I have changed a lot of my ideas about what I want and I've been pretty verbal about it...and they've definitely noticed!! For Christmas I was showered with things to compliment my new future lifestyle :)

We had Christmas at my Aunt's house and I hadn't asked for anything this year so I didn't know what to expect. First gift was from my cousin:

She made me a SUPER cute apron!

(Really good for cooking my hubby wonderful dinners!!)

I didn't really think anything could top that. Next two gifts were from my two best friends! New knitting needles and books!

I love knitting!! And now I can make better scarves for my hubby and kids for the winter!! :)

Next gift was from my Aunt. She can be a little eccentric at times so I just smile and say thanks but this year she said she "heard about my new interest in cooking and thought this would be good."

New kitchen utensils!! Including - YEP - wooden spoons and spatulas! :) 

Perfect for - well you know. :)

Best. Christmas. Ever.

DD and Distancing

(Side note: I wanted to name this blog post "DD, Distancing, Death, the 4 D's and Damn that's a lot of D's" but I felt that wasn't really setting the mood I wanted to for this post...but I thought I'd share anyways just to lighten it up :) )
 
After reading Sara's Blog, I began to reflect more on my biggest fear concerning DD relationships and my future.
 
I suppose, from what I've observed, DD's biggest help is also it's biggest "flaw" - if you can call it that. In a DD relationship you become dependent on each other. (Well no duh! It's a marriage, you are going to be dependent on each other anyways.) But DD is different. It opens the heart to even deeper trust and dependence beyond what a regular relationship does. 
 
I was thinking about it the other day - what if something DID happen to someone's spouse? God forbid it, seriously, I would certainly pray that none of us ever have to suffer that! But we are in this crazy thing called life and awful, terrible things do happen all the time to good people. So what would one do? After years of training and practice from DD to not do things on your own, to not put up walls, to not be independent and then BAM you are forced into a place where you HAVE to do all those things? I know myself and I know I would never recover.
 
Putting up walls, or being "Tough Girl" (Copyright Stormy - minus the obstinate part) is our human mind's way of trying to survive. It's a survival technique that single parents and single women have to learn in order to get by. They tell themselves they don't need someone else in order to get things done in life. So what is one to do when learning over and over to not do those things and then what if one was put in a situation where they must? It scares me to even think about it. I mean I still cry over broken friendships with people I wasn't even that close to!
 
And PLEASE take everything I say with a grain of salt because I realize I have no idea what I'm talking about since I am speaking from an unmarried, never-been-in-a-dd-relationship opinion. I know things look different from the outside looking in.
 
But I suppose, as it stands right now, I just want a DD relationship to be for me and my husband to get along better. I see young women ALL THE TIME who scream at their husbands, belittle them, nag them, and I just don't want that to be me. I don't want a marriage where people look at us and whisper "Sheesh! I'd hate to have to be stuck with her!" I want DD in place to keep my attitude in check, to keep us talking nice to each other, because I know how easily I take over control in all my relationships and I don't want that for my marriage.
 
But as far as this "distancing" thing goes - well, I just don't know how much I want that to be a punishable offense in my marriage. Distancing is like a really big thing around here - it truly is the 5th "D" (Another copyright by Stormy) in the D's of Domestic Discipline. It's an issue I've read about on blog after blog so obviously it's a big deal. 
 
And don't get me wrong, I understand how distancing is a problem in a marriage, and I can see how it can get in the way of being close to each other, but I guess I don't want to be in a place where I could not survive without my HOH because in all seriousness - things do happen and I wouldn't want to stop living life at age 30 because something happened to my perfect husband. Does anyone know what I mean?

I don't know. After re-reading this, I guess maybe that defeats the whole purpose of DD? I am not saying I don't want to "need" him or be dependent on him. I already know I need a husband and I already know I will be dependent on him, but I guess I'm just saying I want to know how to mow the lawn and pay the bills just in case, ya know? Is that wrong? 


I'm sorry if this post was depressing or disrupting to anyone - I really didn't mean it that way at all. It was just some thoughts/concerns/fears I had lately and I wanted to share. 
What are your thoughts? Am I completely missing the point?

When You Can't See His Hand, Trust His Heart

Sometimes I do bad things. And I don't mean to. I really am a good person and I want so badly to be a good girl but I have these friends...and I want them to think I am cool (what is this Jr. High?!) and so I often get myself in situations that I don't want to be in when I'm with them. It's never anything illegal or even anything most people consider really bad, but it's bad for me because it's not who I want to be.


I want someone else to help me. I feel like if I had someone else -  a husband - things like this would be easier. I KNOW marriage has it's own struggles and it's not all hunky dory and it takes work, yes yes I know I know. I'm not saying if I got married my life would be perfect and all my problems would fade away in to the highland midst - I know that's not true at all. I just think it would be EASIER to deal with these struggles about making good choices and I just think it would be a little bit easier in my walk with God.

I know I am not supposed to be dependant on someone else to make me who I want to be and I need to work on those things now – I know that and I try. But it's really hard.

If I had someone here who says "You aren't going to a bar with your friends tonight because we are going to watch a movie together!" It would be SO easy to not go to the bar. If I had someone here who said "Let's read our Bible together." It would be so much easier to read my Bible. If I had someone here to go get the car when it's pouring at WalMart and I have $750239 worth of groceries in my hand  - well...it would be easier to get to the car. :) You get the idea.

I’m just saying I think it would be easier to make good choices if I had someone else here too. I hate being all alone. I have lots of great friends (way better then those stupid ones that always get me in trouble) but it's not like they can really HELP me be who I want to be. It's hard to trust God when I feel like I am ready and His time table isn't matching mine.

I went to Sunday School last week and the teacher said “When you cannot see God’s hand, trust His heart.” And then he looked DIRECTLY at me and repeated it. “When you cannot see God’s hand, trust his heart.” (Get it?!? Hand?!? Spank!? Anyone?? Anyone?)

I cannot see God’s literal physical hand. 

But I must learn to trust His heart.

And know that He is in charge. And that He is my HOH for now. And He will decide when is best to bring a human HOH into my life.

Question Tuesday with JJ #1

I have an idea!! **Jumps up and down** I have some questions I've been thinking about over the past few weeks and I think my blog is a good way to ask them rather then asking each one of you! So, in copying Bonnie's "Sunday Brunch" idea I think I want to have a "Question Tuesday with JJ" or something like that. Maybe I'll try to think of a more creative title though. (Ug! College has sucked up all my creative juices lately!)


I can't promise I'll have a question every week but maybe every other week. And I think I'll eventually run out of questions and that's okay too.

So here's my first one. And yes, I realize today is Monday but I don't care :)

       What’s your opinion on beginning a marriage with DD already involved? If you could go back would you have begun DD sooner? Do you think it takes the hard times to make DD "make sense" or be worth it?

  If I were to meet Mr. Right tomorrow, I assume we would get married within two years give or take, so I would be about twenty-three. How would things have been different for you and your marriage if you had begun DD at age twenty-three? Or even just right away when you were married? 

This may sound weird but I'm nervous about beginning my marriage with DD. I have heard/read several of your blogs that say "This was us before DD and this is us after." Well what if there is no before? How would we know how much it does for us and how helpful it is?

Sorry if that was too many questions! :) I really respect all of you and I am so excited to hear your opinions and wise insight!