Marriage Relationship vs. Parenting Relationships

Have you ever seen the movie "Parenthood" with Steve Martin? If you have not YOU NEED TO SEE IT! It is THE BEST presentation about marriages, parenting, children and life! It is so honest and raw and it really has a lot to say if you pay attention. It really is a must see for any person who has kids, wants kids, works with kids, or knows kids. I am not kidding - all of you go watch it RIGHT NOW! It is SUCH A GREAT MOVIE! 

We are required to watch it and write about it for one of my marriage and family classes in college and I just love it. Go see it and tell me what you think! (*Side note: It may not be something you would want your children to see depending on how young they are.)

So now that I've convinced you to go see it - I wanted to ask a little discussion question. You don't have to have seen the movie to answer! I want anyone's opinion regardless of where you stand in life at the moment, whether you have kids or not.


The movie is made up of about four or five marriages (or lack thereof) and how they work or don't work. One of the major sturggles I see in marriages all around me and portrayed in this movie is the idea that one of the parent's relationship with their children interferes with the marriage relationship. One parent will spend the majority of their time, money, and energy with the kids; making over-protective parents who cling to their kids more than anything, or who are trying to work with their kids to create some sort of prodigy.


I try to be careful about saying what I do because of privacy but all through college I have worked at a government agency with foster kids. I love each and every one of them dearly and I would take them all home in a heartbeat. Their stories are devastating and they make me bawl! "Mommy wanted to be with daddy even though he was sexually abusing me." and "Mommy wanted to be with her boyfriend because he has drugs for her and I don't." This is obviously representative of the other side of the spectrum. Children whose parents do not have a regard at all for their well-being and chose their other relationships over that of their children.


Awhile back on Stormy's blog, she posted in response to a question I had asked:


"The kids aren't all that curious when we go out [to the shed], because they are used to us just wanting to spend time together. They are used to us going on short walks together (we both love being outside) . We are teaching them that moms and dads like to be together, we are friends, we want to be alone sometimes. Each night we have a time together, sitting and talking about the day, and they are not allowed to interrupt us unless somebody is bleeding..or killing a sibling. I think its really important for children to know that couplehood is first, parenthood is second. Our relationship makes or breaks the family unit."


That answer just totally blew me away because I had never heard anyone say that before! Most people (in my unhealthy family circle) will admit that their kids are more important because they are "only in the house a little while before they are all grown up" or they will just say basically the kids are on their own and they don't care.


So what do you guys think? Is marriage first? If so, how do you make that clear to your children? Of course there are times when you have to put your children first (when they broke their arm and you need to take them to the hospital instead of making dinner for your dear HOH, etc.) So I guess my main question is how do you find that balance? Is this a discussion you and your husband have ever had to have? How does this influence DD? 


You don't have to answer all of these questions but I would love to read all of your in-depth, rambling opinions!! :)






P.S.  Go watch the movie! I beg of you!! 

No Spanking Coupon

Everyone has been talking to me lately about using where I'm at and being thankful for it. I do take it to heart and I appreciate all the advice I get! When most people tell me to take advantage of being single what they mean is: go traveling, go out to a bar, meet lots of people, learn a new hobby, etc.


I think I've done all of the above! Well when YOU GUYS tell me to take advantage of being single, I think you may mean something a little different. ;)


So I just wanted to let everyone know that I spent this wonderful summer day doing all of the following:








*Rolling my eyes. All the time. At everything everyone says.


*Yelling "WHATEVER!" loudly

*Spending hours and hours and HOURS online!


*Choosing my own bedtime and then changing it at the spur of the moment


*Not making dinner, cleaning the house, or doing any sort of chore


*Letting the laundry pile up

*Adopting every stray animal I see


*Sighing heavily, stomping and slamming doors


*Playing Words with Friends on my Ipad for hours upon hours


*Calling my dentist and telling him that I hate him and I am never EVER seeing him again so he can just cancel all my appointments for the rest of my life!!


*Turning my phone off and completely ignoring all my calls and texts


*Never ironing anything


*Being a backseat driver, arguing, and being sarcastic


And last but not least (have I made you all jealous yet?) I've spent my day being single waving around my No Spanking Hall Pass! Just because I am single and I can do that! Yes, I am a nerd, I know :)

Wait! I Changed My Mind!

This week was finals week so I was extra tired and cranky. By the time I laid down on my bed, my eyes were burning! I was so tired and it felt amazing to let my heavy eyelids close. Just as I was drifting off to a peaceful, content sleep...








My husband suddenly flung the door open and marched in!

"I hope you aren't asleep. We still have business to take care of."

"What business?" I asked innocently although I knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Get up please." he won't engage in my pretend game of innocence

I got up sleepily and pulled off my shorts, while he sat on the bed and waited for me. I walked over to his side very bravely and then I suddenly realized what I was doing!

Oh my gosh!

"Wait!!" Large tears formed in my eyes and began to spill over. "Wait I changed my mind! I don't want this anymore!!" I took one step back and started to cry.

There was a slight chuckle in his voice "Little girl, you are too far in to change your mind now. Come here."

"But...but wait! I'm scared!"

His big arms reached out and held me tightly for a moment. "Baby don't be scared!" His arms are strong and they made me feel safe and secure. "It's all going to be okay, I promise. Now come on."

I realized that he's right. It will all be okay because I trust him with my whole life. So I laid myself over his lap and he raised his hand in the air...




















And then I always wake up at this part... **happy sigh**

That Boy Part 2/Why I Need Boundaries

I've run into that BOY some more in the past few days and it made me think that maybe....I sorta kinda a little bit maybe like him. But don't tell anyone!


I guess maybe I like him a little more then I let on or else I wouldn't have written a whole post about him. I don't know what it is. I don't WANT to like him, but something about him is just a little irresistible.


I was eating lunch with a group of my friends and he was there. I had eaten a lot and still had a bunch of french fries on my plate but I am really obsessive about calories and so I didn't want to eat them. I pushed my plate back and said "Don't let me eat any more of these!"


That BOY took my plate and said "if you reach over here for them, I will slap your hand!" I laughed and said okay. He looked at me across the table and said "No I'm serious. I will slap it really hard. I don't hit girls unless they ask me to."


OH MY GOSH.




THAT.




BOY.






He is such a spanko and he doesn't even know it!!

The only problem is...I don't trust him. I know trust comes in time after getting to know someone, but I just think that this boy has anger issues and I guess to be honest, maybe he scares me just a little tiny bit. I think it's more then him being naturally dominant, I think he has abusive tendencies. I know he has some issues from his childhood and I know he's overly aggressive. Part of it is just who he is, but part of it I think is issues he needs to work through. And that's one reason why I want to stay away from him even though he has some good qualities.


I liked what he said at the table. It was cute. I believed that he would slap my hand and I did not test him. Had a million other friends not been there, I might have, just for fun.


It's a turn on for me to have someone be so strong. It really is. I want someone to lead me, which is actually kinda hard to do.


Here's something you guys may not know about me and actually would probably never guess reading this blog. I have something called "spunk." I am a leader. I stand up for things. I have NO PROBLEM telling someone what I think. I am the girl who will tell the waiter to take the food back if it's wrong and I'm the girl who will raise my hand and tell my college professor that I completely disagree with him. It's not necessarily a bad thing but I can be extremely disrespectful when I don't get my way. I have gumption and therefore people often work with me and just let me get my way anyways. I know that sounds so spoiled and I don't mean for it to sound like that, it's just that its how things have worked thus far. It's actually a great thing because it's the main quality necessary for the dream job I want and so I believe it will get me far but it does cause a problem sometimes in relationships. My friends get tired of arguing with me because I am more stubborn than them and so they just give in. I want someone who won't get tired of it and won't just give in.


Both my parents were just so soft-spoken and quiet and I was the one who would say "this is how it's going to be!" and they would let me! It was bad. That's how I ended up so insecure because I didn't have boundaries or structure or rules to follow growing up. I never had chores. I never got grounded. I just basically did what I wanted. And while to some, this may sound like the epitome of the best teenage life ever, it wasn't. I WANTED rules. I WANTED my parents to tell me no. I would push issues just to see if they would tell me no and they wouldn't.


Anyways, my point in saying all this is that I need a man who can really tell me no. I picture someone like Stormy's ogre. Someone who is just naturally dominant and not afraid to say what he wants. I need someone with as much gumption as me. And honestly, in today's world, thats hard to find.


So back to this BOY. He has more gumption than me. But he also has some anger issues and I suppose I would be afraid that if we were ever in a relationship that maybe he wouldn't listen to me if he got mad. HECK I might not even have to tell him about DD, I'm pretty sure he would just haul off and spank me anyways because he is very aggressive like that. I would be a little bit afraid. And that's not what I want.


There's a difference between respect and fear. A big difference. And what I feel for him is not quite respect.


I just want someone like him, but better. I don't want someone abusive or someone who yells all the time or anything like that. Just someone with more gumption than me.


Man I have issues!! ugg! I hate feeling this way! Anyways, I just wanted to write it out here because I can't really share it with anyone else.


He has a girlfriend so this is all just a moot point I guess.


(Funny story - I used to think it was "mute" point because I thought that's what people were saying instead of moot. I have since been corrected. HA! And to think I am going to grad school! bahaha!)

The Boy Who Makes Me Hug Him

So there's this boy.


I don't like anything about him. He's rude, he's immature, he's stuck-up and conceited, he's not a good Christian, I cannot STAND his family, he's not going anywhere in life, he hangs out with bad people, his laugh is annoying, AND he's not very attractive. 


But there's one tiny little quality about him that I like. He's a man. Not just like any man - I mean he's an HOH man. He makes decisions and is firm and people listen to him. He's actually one of my good friend's brother so I see him quite often and when he comes over we always joke together. He'll say rude things on purpose to get my feathers ruffled because he thinks it's funny, I'll refuse to talk to him anymore, (see how mature college kids are?) and then he always makes me hug him or talk to him again. He'll say "Come over here and give me a hug right now!"


And I want to refuse. And believe me, I try. But he's soo...strong. And demanding. Not in a dangerous way, he wouldn't hurt me. But he always presents such a commanding presence that I can't help but hug him when he tells me I have to. One time I succeeded in not listening to him and I left the room. He followed me quickly and hug-attacked me and told me I have to listen to him when he tells me to hug him.


**dreamy sigh**


But, he seriously has the maturity of a twelve-year-old and I just can't deal with that. He could never sit and talk about political issues or be serious about a sad situation. And he's rude and selfish. He would never listen to me or try to care about the things that I care about, or let me express anything I am REALLY thinking. For him everything is funny or about him.


I want both. I want someone who is sweet and kind and tender and gentle, yet can be a man and take charge at the same time, ya know? I want someone to take care of me when I am sick and yet be firm with me when I am well. I want someone who could listen to me and my thoughts and ideas and not turn everything in to a joke.


And don't worry, I would never settle for this guy. But it is a thought that's crossed my mind before - IF he changed his whole life around and cleaned up real good I would certainly jump on that boat...but that is most likely not going to happen, so for now I have to just keep waiting. For a man who could somehow be this paradox!

I Spy a DD Couple

Okay so maybe I am paranoid. Actually, I KNOW I am...but I swear I saw a DD couple.


I was studying with my friends (story of my life! All I ever do is homework! UG!) at a restaurant and we were getting a little restless. We had been studying for several hours and I don't have a long attention span so I often find myself people watching. I was studying a waitress intently as she cleaned the booth right next to us and then set the table for new customers. The booth wasn't empty long and soon an older couple (I say older as in like age 55 - yes I realize that isn't old - I only said older ;) ) sat down.


The first thing I noticed is that they were holding hands. Awww! Then they went and sat down NEXT to each other in the booth - on the same side. I hardly ever see couples do that!!


One of my two majors in college is about marriage - so I am always watching married people and their communication patterns and the way they interact with one another, etc. I was very interested and I started studying them intently. They were snuggling up next to each other while reading the menus and giggling as they discussed what to order.


After placing their order the husband got out his phone and they began looking at facebook pictures. AND THEN THE HUSBAND SAID "oh look at this picture! She needs a spanking!" and his wife said "Oh stop!" and playfully hit him!

I almost. fell. out. of. my. booth.


My mouth dropped down to the floor but of course I was with my friends so I couldn't say anything! None of them had heard - they were all engrossed in their books.


I kept thinking maybe this is someone I know! Maybe it's someone from blogland!


I watched them carefully the whole rest of the time, while I was studying for my tests, of course. I'm sure they thought I was such a creep! As they left I gave them both a large smile as if to say "I know your secret!" The husband smiled back sweetly as he escorted his wife out, hand in hand.


**sigh** Someday it will be me.

Could This Be Unhealthy?

I don't know. I've just been thinking lately. (A terrible past time, I know) 

I think maybe this is borderline unhealthy for me. "This" being this blog, my obsession with this lifestyle, etc. I don't think it's unhealthy to practice DD - I just think it may be unhealthy for me, as a single person, to be so consumed with it.


It's like an obsession to find my husband. Where is he? Could that be him?? Or maybe that one? What will it be like? All of it - what will it be like when we go out on dates? When he kisses me? When we get engaged? Will I cry? What about when we get married? What will my wedding look like? What will sex be like? What will our marriage be like? Will he agree to this lifestyle or will he think I'm nuts? What would a spanking be like? Will I cry? Will I be mad at him or would it really help us? What would it feel like to be held and cared for so deeply?


It's consuming. I can't help it. It fills my thoughts almost every day. So I started to consider how I might change this pattern if it were, in fact, unhealthy for me.


I came to the conclusion that I am not any more consumed with DD or a husband right now then I was before starting this blog - because honestly - I thought about all of those questions JUST AS MUCH before this blog. And if I were to delete it I believe I would still think those same things just as much as I do now. So I don't think the blog is causing the possibly unhealthy consuming thoughts. It's just me...


And don't misunderstand - it's not that I am sitting home twiddling my thumbs hoping some prince will knock on my door. Nope. I am super involved in my school - double-majoring, student government, meetings literally every single night, study groups, leadership teams, ministry groups, extra-curricular activities, part time job, social clubs. Plus I volunteer weekly for a cause I really truly care about. I am already making plans for after graduation - applying to grad school and planning on moving across the country to pursue my biggest career dream. I am not just sitting home waiting for some man to come along. Honestly if he walked in right now I might not have time for him! hahaha! Yet - between all these things I have going - I still manage to find times to feel just a little bit lonely. I still find times to wonder where he is - or if he's even out there? I mean no one told me I was going to get married. It's not a guarantee that there is someone for me. What if I just end up an old lady with cats?? 


 My friends tell me I analyze things too much. Anyways - just some thoughts. Tell me your opinion - I love to hear them :)