Friday, April 20, 2012

That Boy Part 2/Why I Need Boundaries

I've run into that BOY some more in the past few days and it made me think that maybe....I sorta kinda a little bit maybe like him. But don't tell anyone!

I guess maybe I like him a little more then I let on or else I wouldn't have written a whole post about him. I don't know what it is. I don't WANT to like him, but something about him is just a little irresistible.

I was eating lunch with a group of my friends and he was there. I had eaten a lot and still had a bunch of french fries on my plate but I am really obsessive about calories and so I didn't want to eat them. I pushed my plate back and said "Don't let me eat any more of these!"

That BOY took my plate and said "if you reach over here for them, I will slap your hand!" I laughed and said okay. He looked at me across the table and said "No I'm serious. I will slap it really hard. I don't hit girls unless they ask me to."




He is such a spanko and he doesn't even know it!!

The only problem is...I don't trust him. I know trust comes in time after getting to know someone, but I just think that this boy has anger issues and I guess to be honest, maybe he scares me just a little tiny bit. I think it's more then him being naturally dominant, I think he has abusive tendencies. I know he has some issues from his childhood and I know he's overly aggressive. Part of it is just who he is, but part of it I think is issues he needs to work through. And that's one reason why I want to stay away from him even though he has some good qualities.

I liked what he said at the table. It was cute. I believed that he would slap my hand and I did not test him. Had a million other friends not been there, I might have, just for fun.

It's a turn on for me to have someone be so strong. It really is. I want someone to lead me, which is actually kinda hard to do.

Here's something you guys may not know about me and actually would probably never guess reading this blog. I have something called "spunk." I am a leader. I stand up for things. I have NO PROBLEM telling someone what I think. I am the girl who will tell the waiter to take the food back if it's wrong and I'm the girl who will raise my hand and tell my college professor that I completely disagree with him. It's not necessarily a bad thing but I can be extremely disrespectful when I don't get my way. I have gumption and therefore people often work with me and just let me get my way anyways. I know that sounds so spoiled and I don't mean for it to sound like that, it's just that its how things have worked thus far. It's actually a great thing because it's the main quality necessary for the dream job I want and so I believe it will get me far but it does cause a problem sometimes in relationships. My friends get tired of arguing with me because I am more stubborn than them and so they just give in. I want someone who won't get tired of it and won't just give in.

Both my parents were just so soft-spoken and quiet and I was the one who would say "this is how it's going to be!" and they would let me! It was bad. That's how I ended up so insecure because I didn't have boundaries or structure or rules to follow growing up. I never had chores. I never got grounded. I just basically did what I wanted. And while to some, this may sound like the epitome of the best teenage life ever, it wasn't. I WANTED rules. I WANTED my parents to tell me no. I would push issues just to see if they would tell me no and they wouldn't.

Anyways, my point in saying all this is that I need a man who can really tell me no. I picture someone like Stormy's ogre. Someone who is just naturally dominant and not afraid to say what he wants. I need someone with as much gumption as me. And honestly, in today's world, thats hard to find.

So back to this BOY. He has more gumption than me. But he also has some anger issues and I suppose I would be afraid that if we were ever in a relationship that maybe he wouldn't listen to me if he got mad. HECK I might not even have to tell him about DD, I'm pretty sure he would just haul off and spank me anyways because he is very aggressive like that. I would be a little bit afraid. And that's not what I want.

There's a difference between respect and fear. A big difference. And what I feel for him is not quite respect.

I just want someone like him, but better. I don't want someone abusive or someone who yells all the time or anything like that. Just someone with more gumption than me.

Man I have issues!! ugg! I hate feeling this way! Anyways, I just wanted to write it out here because I can't really share it with anyone else.

He has a girlfriend so this is all just a moot point I guess.

(Funny story - I used to think it was "mute" point because I thought that's what people were saying instead of moot. I have since been corrected. HA! And to think I am going to grad school! bahaha!)

Friday, April 13, 2012

The Boy Who Makes Me Hug Him

So there's this boy.

I don't like anything about him. He's rude, he's immature, he's stuck-up and conceited, he's not a good Christian, I cannot STAND his family, he's not going anywhere in life, he hangs out with bad people, his laugh is annoying, AND he's not very attractive. 

But there's one tiny little quality about him that I like. He's a man. Not just like any man - I mean he's an HOH man. He makes decisions and is firm and people listen to him. He's actually one of my good friend's brother so I see him quite often and when he comes over we always joke together. He'll say rude things on purpose to get my feathers ruffled because he thinks it's funny, I'll refuse to talk to him anymore, (see how mature college kids are?) and then he always makes me hug him or talk to him again. He'll say "Come over here and give me a hug right now!"

And I want to refuse. And believe me, I try. But he's soo...strong. And demanding. Not in a dangerous way, he wouldn't hurt me. But he always presents such a commanding presence that I can't help but hug him when he tells me I have to. One time I succeeded in not listening to him and I left the room. He followed me quickly and hug-attacked me and told me I have to listen to him when he tells me to hug him.

**dreamy sigh**

But, he seriously has the maturity of a twelve-year-old and I just can't deal with that. He could never sit and talk about political issues or be serious about a sad situation. And he's rude and selfish. He would never listen to me or try to care about the things that I care about, or let me express anything I am REALLY thinking. For him everything is funny or about him.

I want both. I want someone who is sweet and kind and tender and gentle, yet can be a man and take charge at the same time, ya know? I want someone to take care of me when I am sick and yet be firm with me when I am well. I want someone who could listen to me and my thoughts and ideas and not turn everything in to a joke.

And don't worry, I would never settle for this guy. But it is a thought that's crossed my mind before - IF he changed his whole life around and cleaned up real good I would certainly jump on that boat...but that is most likely not going to happen, so for now I have to just keep waiting. For a man who could somehow be this paradox!