Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Who's Your Daddy? The Electra Complex

I apologize in advance for this rambling post. I'm in a horrible funk lately and can't seem to pull myself out of it....

Here's what's in my stormy head... 

Most days I am an adult. I wake up and interact healthily with all those around me and I go to class and I pay the bills, I put on my big girl panties and even kill spiders when I have to. Life happens but I DEAL. I have a wonderful group of friends who surround me and love me and care about me. I come home and I pray for a man who will be a great husband to me.

But then there are other days. Days that I don't really wake up on the healthy side of life. Days that I barely get out of bed and interacting with others is a chore. I don't use my best judgement, I don't watch my words or my reactions and things just don't really turn out real well. My friends get busy and don't have time for me. I get bogged down with homework and applications for this dooming after-college life that is approaching much too quickly. And a sudden deep loneliness begins to rumble way down in my soul.

And I don't really want a husband on these nights. On these nights...I just want a daddy. I want a daddy to come home and hold me and tell me it will all be alright. A daddy to tell me I am lovely and I am worth pursuing and I am beautiful and I am his little girl that he will protect.

It's confusing to me because I don't know what's healthy. I don't know what's normal. I don't know what is okay for me. Do I want a husband or a dad? Is it unhealthy to expect a husband to fulfill dad-like roles? Is that all this is? Is that what I want in DD? If so does that make me the most horrible, awful, pathetic and psychotic person alive?

When talking about this dynamic with the few people who know about it, they have remarked things like "I wouldn't want my husband to be like my father."

And I agree. Sort of. I agree in that I don't want to be treated like a child.

I do not want to be treated as uneducated or less than, I do not want to be talked down to or belittled or humiliated. I want to be an adult with an opinion that is heard. I want to be respected. I want it to be acknowledged that there may be some matters in life that I do know more about than my husband and vice versa. I want to be treated as an adult fully capable of taking care of myself and making wise decisions.

And yet...I still want to be his little girl. 

I don't mind being seen as a bit fragile. A little girl in a big scary world who needs protecting and guidance at times. Who needs big arms to hold her close and maybe be just a bit...fatherly to her.

There are a select few men in my life who are wonderful, amazing, Christian men who care about me in a fatherly way. They inspire me in school and they truly want what is best for me.

But sometimes I get confused. I love spending time with them. I love talking to them about life and I love getting their opinion and I love buying them gifts and then I start to I like them? Surely not. I mean I don't want to have sex with them. That's super gross. But I do get jealous when they talk to anyone else. I do look forward to seeing them all day. I do go completely out of my way for them and re-arrange life just so I can spend more time with each of them.

I get so confused. Do I like him or do I like like him? Do I just like how fatherly he is? Is that normal? Is there any other girl in the whole world who feels this way?

Sometimes...when I dream about my life in the future, I think about DD and I mostly just think about the "afterwards." The cuddling and the sweet talk and him rubbing my back and making me feel better. The afterwards is the best part.

I think I mostly want DD for the afterwards. I want to be able to just cry and be held for a long time and cuddled. That sounds like Heaven. I wonder what that feels like for a man to just be so gentle and sweet? There's a memory somewhere in my brain from a long time ago of sitting on my stepdads lap and him rubbing my back - it's the best memory I have of him ever. Or any man ever for that matter.

Some nights, like tonight, I'm just a little girl. Lonely. Longing for a man, any man, to just be a father. I have a big hair bow in my hair, a stuffed animal in my hand and I lay down on my Disney Princess comforter and I just cry. Tonight, I don't want sex and I don't want spanking and I don't want to talk. Tonight, I just want to be held and cuddled by a man who could pretend to be my father.

Oh if only Freud had met me!

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Lets Get Physical: Guilt and Spankings

I think my brain is different than most people's. Or maybe I just have some crazy disease that no one else has ever heard of!

I am the only person I know who has PHYSICAL things happen when they feel something passionately. Most normal people have physical things happen when they are excited sexually but that's not what I'm talking about here. 

Sometimes when I get really excited about something, I think about it so much that I get a throbbing headache and I have to force myself to calm down.

When I get very, very sad I have pains in my chest. It is not simply my imagination. They are real, painful and very scary chest pains.

I have been to the emergency room and several doctors for it on many different occasions because I have often been afraid I was having a heart attack or something. They ran multiple tests and absolutely nothing is wrong with my heart or my lungs.

I had one doctor tell me it was just a panic attack. But I don't have heavy breathing or panicky feelings or anything like that when it happens so I have trouble believing it's a panic attack. I am simply very sad about something.

Who knows? The point is that I am a PHYSICAL person and I think about thing in PHYSICAL terms and I respond to things better that are PHYSICALLY in front of me.

I think DD greatly appeals to the physical part of me. 

There is something to be said for the physical absolution of it. I am not very good at simply "moving on" from things or just "letting it go." (And saying "not very good at" is an understatement. I completely and utterly suck at it.)

When I get in a fight with one of my friends, after it is over I always want to buy them something or make them something special. It's not good enough for me to say "I'm sorry." I feel like I have to physically show them. I know it's not expected, but I don't ever really feel like it's all over until I do something physical to show it.

My professor was talking about guilt the other day and suddenly it all made sense to me.

I feel guilty. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough for me because I still feel rotten inside. I need something physical.

This past weekend I was visiting home and I told my mom about some shoes I reeeeeeeally wanted. She said she could get them for me as a late Christmas present! YAY! I was so excited and looked forward to it all weekend.

Right before we left for the mall my mom said something that frustrated me and I started a long argument with her. When we got in the car to go get the shoes I didn't even want them. I mean I wanted them but I felt so bad inside that I didn't really want them anymore. I told her not to get them for me and that I was sorry I started the argument. She said it was no big deal and she got me the shoes anyways but I just felt so....guilty.

I couldn't understand why I felt that way and I just chalked it up to being some sort of self-sabotaging behavior. I just wanted something physical so I could "feel" more forgiven.

The physicalness of DD is so awesome to me because I can just see how it works. It's a physical thing - a way to tell my brain that it's over, to let it go, to stop thinking about it, to stop saying sorry and to stop feeling guilty.

Love to hear your thoughts as always!
I wish I could PHYSICALLY give you all a hug! :)