Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Submissive Wife Kit for Christmas

None of my family or friends know that I am wanting to practice DD in my future marriage, BUT I have changed a lot of my ideas about what I want and I've been pretty verbal about it...and they've definitely noticed!! For Christmas I was showered with things to compliment my new future lifestyle :)

We had Christmas at my Aunt's house and I hadn't asked for anything this year so I didn't know what to expect. First gift was from my cousin:

She made me a SUPER cute apron!

(Really good for cooking my hubby wonderful dinners!!)

I didn't really think anything could top that. Next two gifts were from my two best friends! New knitting needles and books!

I love knitting!! And now I can make better scarves for my hubby and kids for the winter!! :)

Next gift was from my Aunt. She can be a little eccentric at times so I just smile and say thanks but this year she said she "heard about my new interest in cooking and thought this would be good."

New kitchen utensils!! Including - YEP - wooden spoons and spatulas! :) 

Perfect for - well you know. :)

Best. Christmas. Ever.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

DD and Distancing

(Side note: I wanted to name this blog post "DD, Distancing, Death, the 4 D's and Damn that's a lot of D's" but I felt that wasn't really setting the mood I wanted to for this post...but I thought I'd share anyways just to lighten it up :) )
After reading Sara's Blog, I began to reflect more on my biggest fear concerning DD relationships and my future.
I suppose, from what I've observed, DD's biggest help is also it's biggest "flaw" - if you can call it that. In a DD relationship you become dependent on each other. (Well no duh! It's a marriage, you are going to be dependent on each other anyways.) But DD is different. It opens the heart to even deeper trust and dependence beyond what a regular relationship does. 
I was thinking about it the other day - what if something DID happen to someone's spouse? God forbid it, seriously, I would certainly pray that none of us ever have to suffer that! But we are in this crazy thing called life and awful, terrible things do happen all the time to good people. So what would one do? After years of training and practice from DD to not do things on your own, to not put up walls, to not be independent and then BAM you are forced into a place where you HAVE to do all those things? I know myself and I know I would never recover.
Putting up walls, or being "Tough Girl" (Copyright Stormy - minus the obstinate part) is our human mind's way of trying to survive. It's a survival technique that single parents and single women have to learn in order to get by. They tell themselves they don't need someone else in order to get things done in life. So what is one to do when learning over and over to not do those things and then what if one was put in a situation where they must? It scares me to even think about it. I mean I still cry over broken friendships with people I wasn't even that close to!
And PLEASE take everything I say with a grain of salt because I realize I have no idea what I'm talking about since I am speaking from an unmarried, never-been-in-a-dd-relationship opinion. I know things look different from the outside looking in.
But I suppose, as it stands right now, I just want a DD relationship to be for me and my husband to get along better. I see young women ALL THE TIME who scream at their husbands, belittle them, nag them, and I just don't want that to be me. I don't want a marriage where people look at us and whisper "Sheesh! I'd hate to have to be stuck with her!" I want DD in place to keep my attitude in check, to keep us talking nice to each other, because I know how easily I take over control in all my relationships and I don't want that for my marriage.
But as far as this "distancing" thing goes - well, I just don't know how much I want that to be a punishable offense in my marriage. Distancing is like a really big thing around here - it truly is the 5th "D" (Another copyright by Stormy) in the D's of Domestic Discipline. It's an issue I've read about on blog after blog so obviously it's a big deal. 
And don't get me wrong, I understand how distancing is a problem in a marriage, and I can see how it can get in the way of being close to each other, but I guess I don't want to be in a place where I could not survive without my HOH because in all seriousness - things do happen and I wouldn't want to stop living life at age 30 because something happened to my perfect husband. Does anyone know what I mean?

I don't know. After re-reading this, I guess maybe that defeats the whole purpose of DD? I am not saying I don't want to "need" him or be dependent on him. I already know I need a husband and I already know I will be dependent on him, but I guess I'm just saying I want to know how to mow the lawn and pay the bills just in case, ya know? Is that wrong? 

I'm sorry if this post was depressing or disrupting to anyone - I really didn't mean it that way at all. It was just some thoughts/concerns/fears I had lately and I wanted to share. 
What are your thoughts? Am I completely missing the point?

Saturday, December 3, 2011

When You Can't See His Hand, Trust His Heart

Sometimes I do bad things. And I don't mean to. I really am a good person and I want so badly to be a good girl but I have these friends...and I want them to think I am cool (what is this Jr. High?!) and so I often get myself in situations that I don't want to be in when I'm with them. It's never anything illegal or even anything most people consider really bad, but it's bad for me because it's not who I want to be.

I want someone else to help me. I feel like if I had someone else -  a husband - things like this would be easier. I KNOW marriage has it's own struggles and it's not all hunky dory and it takes work, yes yes I know I know. I'm not saying if I got married my life would be perfect and all my problems would fade away in to the highland midst - I know that's not true at all. I just think it would be EASIER to deal with these struggles about making good choices and I just think it would be a little bit easier in my walk with God.

I know I am not supposed to be dependant on someone else to make me who I want to be and I need to work on those things now – I know that and I try. But it's really hard.

If I had someone here who says "You aren't going to a bar with your friends tonight because we are going to watch a movie together!" It would be SO easy to not go to the bar. If I had someone here who said "Let's read our Bible together." It would be so much easier to read my Bible. If I had someone here to go get the car when it's pouring at WalMart and I have $750239 worth of groceries in my hand  - well...it would be easier to get to the car. :) You get the idea.

I’m just saying I think it would be easier to make good choices if I had someone else here too. I hate being all alone. I have lots of great friends (way better then those stupid ones that always get me in trouble) but it's not like they can really HELP me be who I want to be. It's hard to trust God when I feel like I am ready and His time table isn't matching mine.

I went to Sunday School last week and the teacher said “When you cannot see God’s hand, trust His heart.” And then he looked DIRECTLY at me and repeated it. “When you cannot see God’s hand, trust his heart.” (Get it?!? Hand?!? Spank!? Anyone?? Anyone?)

I cannot see God’s literal physical hand. 

But I must learn to trust His heart.

And know that He is in charge. And that He is my HOH for now. And He will decide when is best to bring a human HOH into my life.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Question Tuesday with JJ #1

I have an idea!! **Jumps up and down** I have some questions I've been thinking about over the past few weeks and I think my blog is a good way to ask them rather then asking each one of you! So, in copying Bonnie's "Sunday Brunch" idea I think I want to have a "Question Tuesday with JJ" or something like that. Maybe I'll try to think of a more creative title though. (Ug! College has sucked up all my creative juices lately!)

I can't promise I'll have a question every week but maybe every other week. And I think I'll eventually run out of questions and that's okay too.

So here's my first one. And yes, I realize today is Monday but I don't care :)

       What’s your opinion on beginning a marriage with DD already involved? If you could go back would you have begun DD sooner? Do you think it takes the hard times to make DD "make sense" or be worth it?

  If I were to meet Mr. Right tomorrow, I assume we would get married within two years give or take, so I would be about twenty-three. How would things have been different for you and your marriage if you had begun DD at age twenty-three? Or even just right away when you were married? 

This may sound weird but I'm nervous about beginning my marriage with DD. I have heard/read several of your blogs that say "This was us before DD and this is us after." Well what if there is no before? How would we know how much it does for us and how helpful it is?

Sorry if that was too many questions! :) I really respect all of you and I am so excited to hear your opinions and wise insight!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A Vampire HOH

I'm sure you've all at least heard of Twilight. You know - the classic vampire story, where he falls in love with a human and it's hard because he can't decide if he wants to suck her blood or make out with her.

It's all silliness right?! I mean WHO in the heck would wait in line for thirteen hours this past Wednesday and have specially made "Team Edward" t-shirts just to see the silly 12:01am release of Breaking Dawn?

**shyly raises hand**

Oh yeah, Me. I did that. I hate to admit that I am one of those girls - I mean, I am an adult after all. I can pay my bills and kill spiders and do all sorts of adult-like things. But for some reason when I am sitting in the theatre with my best friend I turn in to a squealing, giggling, uncivilized, thirteen-year-old girl and I can't help it.

And I am not the only one. There were hundreds of females from ages 5 to 75 in line, flocking to see Edward and why? Because they want a man who is in charge like him.

They SAY "I want a boy like Edward who is a vampire and who can read my mind and sparkle and be perfect in every way." (unrealistic expectations much??)

But what they MEAN is "I want a man who is in charge and in control like Edward. I want an HOH"

I think pop culture unknowingly encourages DD relationships - and it's funny to me. People hear of DD and think "what?! That's crazy!! I would NEVER want that in my relationship!" Yet they swoon at stories that have aspects of DD.

I want an HOH like Edward. But if he doesn’t run fast, sparkle, read my mind or want to suck my blood, I am okay with that.

What do you guys think? Do you see elements of DD in pop culture?? 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Allow me to be Cheesy

I realize that many of us come from different backgrounds and have different beliefs and that is completely okay! I know a lot of you keep faith out of your blogs because that's not really what this is about and I think for the most part I will do the same...except for this one post.

As I am currently single, I sometimes joke with God about Him being my HOH. I often seem to get myself into sticky situations and need a life line out and then I realize if I had let God help me decide what to do I wouldn't be in that mess in the first place! Ug!

And I think God is the perfect HOH. He's always consistent. He knows just when to show mercy and when we need to learn our lesson. He never disciplines us beyond what we can handle - except sometimes it may feel like it. And He, of course, always knows when we keep things from Him or pretend to not hear Him.

But the thing I don’t like about God (if I can even say that?) is that He’s not a literal physical being. Yes, he sent Jesus down here physically and YES He can work through other people, etc. But I wish sometimes God himself would literally come down from the Heavens and hug me and hold me. And this may seem blasphemous, but, yeah I wish he would spank me too. Because it's hard making bad decisions - KNOWING they are wrong and then not seeing the consequences for weeks, months, or even years later. If I saw the consequences right away, maybe I wouldn't mess up so much!

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to go out drinking with some of my friends. Of course I accepted because it's not bad to enjoy some drinks with a few friends! But I knew it would turn in to more than that because once I start feeling tipsy I keep drinking so the feeling doesn't go away. I am not a "party-er" at all, especially compared to most college students. I only go out and "party" maybe twice each semester. 

And I usually justify it because I never do anything stupid like drive or go home with anyone or even go in a bedroom with anyone. I always have friends with me and we set up boundaries before we even go in and decide that if anyone feels uncomfortable we have a code word we use and we will all leave with each other immediately no questions asked. So I feel like I "party safely"...if that can even be a thing.

Anyways I had been feeling especially bad about partying lately because I do feel like I am living a double life sometimes and I don't want to be like that. 

On this particular night, I drank way way too much like I knew I would and I was feeling guilty but I kept going. I danced with some stupid boys who wanted to take me home and I politely declined each one. When it was time to leave, my friends and I began the walk out to the car and one of them had the bright idea to race. Well, I couldn't let them win! I took off running and ran straight across a four lane road and toppled over the curb on the sidewalk and landed on the ground.

I felt immense pain in my foot but I jumped up and laughed it off with my friends. But in the car on the way home the pain sobered me up real quick. I limped up to my apartment and took two Advil - which is a big thing because I avoid pills at ALL cost, and I went to bed thinking it would just go away by morning.

When I woke up my foot was swollen up like a balloon and it had a delightful black and blue lump on the side. My roommate took me to the emergency room and as I was hobbling in, I began to realize what this would mean if my foot was actually broken. I am still a little nervous about sharing my whole life on here, so I won't go in to detail, but I am an actress and I had a show in four weeks.

I cried while they were taking the x-ray. The nurses kept offering me pain pills but I wasn’t crying from the pain. I was so scared and I kept praying that it wasn't broken and I begged God telling Him I would never ever ever ever ever do it again and could He just please please not let it be broken.

After waiting for awhile the nurse came in and smiled brightly.

"Well, congratulations you broke it!"

I was devastated. After getting up to my apartment (which I should mention is on the second floor and not easy to get to with crutches) I laid on my bed and sobbed. After getting it all out I began to calm down and a peace came over me.

I realized (yes it's cheesy) that God was being my HOH. He was taking care of me and He needed to get my attention. I had just asked Him to be in charge and this was His way of disciplining me. He was giving me a physical consequence for my actions immediately after the bad decision was made and I know this sounds ridiculous, but I appreciated it. He does love me. And sometimes I forget that.

It was a difficult four weeks. I did end up being able to be in the show. I wore a boot right up until the last week of final dress rehearsals and then I would take it off just to do my part and then put it back on backstage. So it all worked out in the end and I'm sorry if it's cheesy to say that God is my HOH. But I suppose for now - He is. Until I meet some poor poor guy who has to deal with all this **big cheesy grin**

(NOTE: I would like to add here just so there is no misunderstanding that I do NOT think any time someone is hurt or in an accident that God is "disciplining" them. Bad things happen to everyone all the time and I don't think it's because they did something wrong! I just think in this one specific instance with me and my foot that God was using it to get my attention.)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

About Me


Welcome! Allow me to introduce myself

The first thing you should know is, in the words of Stormy, I don't really fit in here. At all. First and foremost, I should start out by saying I am not in a DD marriage. Or any marriage for that matter. I am a college student in my early twenties and I am still waiting for "the one". And it feels like he is taking FOR-EV-ER to show up!

For as long as I can remember I’ve always had dreams about my future husband spanking me and not just sexual spankings, but I mean actual punishment-you-will-never-do-this-again spankings. (I know I know - I am crazy!) I am a psychology major and so I often try to figure out why people think the the things they do. And I suppose I understand why I feel this way.

My father was never in charge of the house when I was growing up and things didn’t go very well. My parents got divorced when I was eight and since then I lived with my mom and never had any more contact with my father until I was eighteen. My mom was the complete opposite of "firm" or "in charge" with me. She almost always let me do whatever I wanted even at ages where I should never have been allowed to make the decisions I did. 

Because of this unhealthy set up, I suffered a lot of hurt and heartache and regrets. I’ve always wanted someone to make the decisions, to lead me. There were so many times I would push and push trying to get my mother to say "no" or tell me to stop. During high school and into my college years I have always been drawn to dominant people; I always greatly admire my teachers, bosses, or mentors who are in charge and have boundaries drawn. The bottom line is that a life - any life, with DD or not - needs boundaries to feel safe. And I want to feel safe. And I just know he’s out there somewhere – some wonderful Christian man just waiting to be appointed HOH of me and our household.

I was spanked as a child by both of my parents and I never enjoyed it. I was never never spanked out of love. I was never spanked because my parents lovingly tried to teach me to make better choices. It was always just a spur of the moment thing when I pushed them too far and they reached out in anger because they were so frustrated they didn’t know what else to do, and they used spanking as a tool for them to get their frustrations out.

A few years ago I was messing around on Google trying to figure out if anyone else in the whole world could possible understand me or feel the way I feel. I stumbled across Finding Sara's blog and I read the whole thing. I then began researching Domestic Discipline everywhere and I found some things I agree with and some things I don't like at all and I spent awhile trying to sort it all out.

Since then, I have been here. Just a lurker. It's funny because I feel like I know so many of you guys but you don't know me! I have been here and laughed at Finding Sara's playful banter and how Grant says the "F" word ("Forbid!"); and I have cringed when Rogue and Jared went through their rough times and then rejoiced when all was well again. I have felt sorry for Kay not getting to have her sweet wine, and I have been here silently watching as Stormy wondered if she should tell Ogre about her blog and then waited almost painfully for his response. I am silent because I feel like I have no place to speak. Who am I to give advice or say "I know how that feels" when I don't? I don't know because I'm not there. It's hard wanting something that's almost ahead of your time - like a thirteen-year-old desperately wanting to drive and just knowing they aren't going to be able to be there yet.

Dominance is the absolute number two quality that I’m looking for in a man (Christian is number one). I want a man who will insist the family goes to church on Sunday and who won’t let me text and drive. I want a man who will help me budget and teach me how to be more responsible with my money.

I feel as though this is too much to ask at times. When listing qualities for their future hubby, my friends list things like: big muscles, good sense of humor, likes the same kind of music, etc. Yeah those things would be nice but I just want an HOH who loves me deeply and whom I can love and respect in return.

About a year and a half ago I stumbled upon blog with a post that sums up precisely how I feel. I went back to try and find it now but I can't! (was it FindingSara's??) It told a story about a young girl who had been in a bad relationship and then said “I want a man to be the head of the house but I want to at least fight him for it.” That's so perfect. That's exactly what I want.

And I feel like I’ve been waiting a long time. I’m getting older people! My body has already made all the eggs it’s going to make! I’m ready! I’m ready to be a wife and a mom! So HURRY UP MR. HOH-knight-in-shining-armor-with-a-paddle-in-hand!