Have you ever taken a nap? Like a really SOLID, LONG nap and when you wake up for just a split second you have no idea what day it is or where you are or what time it is?? It's like sheer panic for one moment because you basically forgot what your name is.
That keeps happening to me! And when I wake up, I panic and then I start to laugh because I CANNOT BELIEVE I MOVED!! WHAT?! Like who does that?! I don't know anybody here! It's crazy!!!! When I look around my room with no furniture (I did manage to get a bed finally!) and I think about how many miles I am from home I just can't fathom it!
Things are good here. I do miss friends but I am happy to be some place new. I did get a job but it's not a job that will pay rent so I'm still actively seeking a new one. Life is very different being an adult. It's an odd thing working 40 hours a week. How do you guys do it!? I thought when I got out of college I would have so much time to just write and read long novels and do 1200 piece puzzles but I don't! I wake up ridiculously early, go to work, and when I come home I take a shower, make dinner and then I lay on my bed exhausted!! I am always so worn out! I want to go work out or go grocery shopping but I'm so dead! Work is gross. I don't like it. Being an adult is hard. haha
Anyways, on to DD life. I've been thinking about it a little bit (<--- Understatement of the year) and I woke up with a profound thought a few days ago.
I don't want to be spanked. I want to be loved. And, to put it very plainly, I simply cannot think of any greater way to be loved.
I don't necessarily look forward to the spanking part. I mean sometimes I do but a lot of the time, it just kinda makes my stomach churn and makes me want to hide under the covers.
Yet, I cannot fathom anything stronger or more emotional or loving than the DD lifestyle. I want it even more than I want to have sex. I want it even more than I want money or a better job or a car that works or furniture in my apartment.
I know this lifestyle isn't something that's always fun or peachy keen. Sometimes when I think about it, I ask myself if I'm sure. Like am I sure that I'm sure that I'm sure that I want this. Sometimes I think when I get married, I am going to wait a few years before I tell him. Just because I don't want to regret it... :)
But I know myself better than that. I know that my desire for a life like this is so strong and so much a part of who I am and I know it will never change.
I don't want to say I need it because that sounds odd to me. I think I "need" it like I "need" chocolate. Like if I were on a desert island and I didn't have chocolate, of course I would LIVE. If I had food and water and human interaction I would LIVE and be okay. But I would never be completely content, completely satisfied without chocolate. I, of course, know I could live without spanking. I know I could be in love, be happy, be emotionally connected, all that stuff. But I also feel like I need it to be completely sated. **sigh** It's complicated.
I know that I will tell him. And I even know that I'll regret it. But what's more than that, I know I will be thankful for every single swat. The whole thing is a paradox really but it makes sense to me even when it doesn't.
Those are my mixed up thoughts to share with you! I love you all and miss you lots!!!
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Hi. It's me! Worst blogger EVER!
I don't even know what to say here anymore. I’m just not the same person I was when I started this blog almost two years ago. So much has happened and I just don't feel like I have that much to write about anymore.
I'm just too lonely. I'm beginning to feel like finding a relationship is not in the cards for me. I've stopped reading your blogs because to me it's just as dangerous as reading Twilight or 50 Shades of Grey. It's just a fantasy that isn't real, that isn't my life, and so why should I pretend?
I graduated college in May and since then I began to sink into a depression and feel very stuck. I began to feel like I was suffocating and like I was never going to be able to do anything important in my life. I love my mom and my town and all my friends there but I knew when my college began class again, that I would be depressed and wanting to go up there all the time.
So I did what any clear, level-headed, twenty-something year old girl would do.
I packed up my car with all my belongings (full to the brim!) and I moved 794 miles away from home. I moved to a town much bigger than my own. I don't know anyone, I don't have a job, and I have never even been to this state before. I did find an apartment before I came but that was it.
I just had to. I had to get away. I couldn't stay there anymore because I needed something else - I craved it from the very core of my being. I have to breathe. I need new people with new options and new perspectives and new faces. (And I need a job and money but that's not important haha)
I am at a quaint little cafe at the moment because I can't afford WIFI or TV or anything at my apartment yet. I'm barely going to be able to make rent and keep electricity on.
Even though I knew people in my hometown, I felt so lonely and so unable to meet new people. I've only been here for about three days so I haven't made new friends yet but I'm hoping to. I did try a new church this morning but it was full of young marrieds and I just didn't fit.
I'm praying every day, almost hourly, for some boy to just walk in. I don't know how I can make it any longer. My heart aches every moment. I want a family. I want a husband. I want to cook for someone. I want a place where I know I'm going to live and settle in for a few years instead of apartments that I keep living at temporarily. I want to hold someone's hand in church.
And if you're going to comment and tell me I won't live happily ever after once I meet someone, please don't. I KNOW that. I know it will be hard work. I know it's not perfect. Believe me, I get it. really. I also get that it's hard to be alone. It's hard to not have sex. It's hard to change tires, mow lawns, balance check books and sit in church by yourself. And I don't think I'm asking for too much.
I just want a husband who will love me and cherish me and be a Godly man. I don't think that's too much to ask, really I don't.
I am in a new city. It's big. I don't know anyone. I am sitting alone at a coffee shop. (I'm the one with a bow in my hair). How about you come meet me now because that's how it works in every movie ever made.