Monday, June 25, 2012

Love Letter to Him

Dear Husband,

You don't have to be a fairy tale to make my dreams come true. Just be who you really are and I'll always and forever love you. There's lots of men out there that seem to be the top of the line, but you don't have to compare yourself to them as long as you are mine. 

I don't need an Edward Cullen, vampire fangs and all. You don't have to run fast or win a big manly brawl. I don't expect you to sing beautifully or sparkle in the sunlight, write me a lullaby or sing to me every night. 

You don't need to be the affluent man made of money, you are all I need to be in the land of milk and honey. You don't need the biggest car or best stocks that are off the charts, I'll accept homemade presents and construction paper hearts.

You don't have to be an expert Dom or understand all this DD stuff. Whatever you bring to the table, it will be enough. We'll work it out and talk it all through and whatever we come up with, we'll make it do.

My dear husband, you will be better than any Edward Cullen or Christian Grey, because you are a real person at the end of the day. You are a real person with faults and mistakes. We'll get through it together, patch up all the heartaches.

I love you now and I will for the rest of my life, in sickness and in health, in goodness and in strife.

Waiting ever so not-patiently for my knight-to-be,
Love Always and Forever,

Friday, June 22, 2012

Fifty Shades of Me

First and foremost I really cannot even express how grateful I am for all of you being so kind in my last post. I really, really needed to tell someone but I knew I couldn't talk to friends and you guys really helped me. You are great friends! I'm amazed at how I can feel so loved and cared for when I can't even see your faces! Thank you A LOT!

Sorry this post is a little ramble-y and it's probably more information than you ever wanted to know about me...I'm a little nervous about being so open on a blog...but here 'goes.

Someone online a few weeks ago said "Man for someone your age you really have it together." HA!

I think overall in my life I can appear that I have it together and know what I want. I am proud that I can come off that way but it is completely not the truth. At all. I am so messed up!

I am going to talk a bit about 50 Shades of Grey but I promise I will not ruin anything for those that have not read it! And I also promise you won't be lost or confused if you haven't read them - so stay with me here!

The books made me think a lot about dd, sex, bdsm, and all of those other issues that aren't really black and white but are more..."grey."

Honestly if you have not read Fifty Shades of Grey and you are practicing DD - you should. YES it is a bad book, YES it is x-rated, YES it is "women porn", and YES there is a whole hell of a lot of sex. But if you read past that and on to the second and third books you will begin to really see a lot of psychological issues that are worth discussing. If you could look at it from a psychologists perspective and really look at these characters and why they feel the way they do and why they act the way they do, it's really quite interesting. I found the book extremely intriguing and I can't help but think that some of you might as well.

One thing I will ruin but it's really not a surprise or any big mystery - is the title. Christian Grey says he is "Fifty shades of f***** up" and that's where the book got it's title. Christian feels he has a lot of issues, problems, hang-ups and he refers to himself as fifty shades of messed up. That's pretty much how I feel about myself.

I wonder sometimes and I think other people do too, about why I don't have a boyfriend. I am funny and goofy but I know how to be serious, I like to be spontaneous and do crazy things like go on a trip without planning it at all. I am in charge of a lot of programs at school and I love to organize and make a big event turn out seamless! I am skinny but not gangly. I am not nerdy-girl smart but I make A's. I don't pick my nose in public or have weird purple stems growing out of odd places on my body...So what gives? Well..the truth is - I know why.

Up until about two years ago, I didn't even want a boyfriend. Since I've been about 1 years old I have been desperately afraid of men of all kinds. If a boy paid any kind  of attention to me at all I would shut him down and walk away and 99% of the time I did not even realize I was doing it. And not shut him down in a cute "try to catch me" sort of way but in a dangerous "stay far away from me I mean it!" sort of way. It was such a habit to not give anything with a penis the time of day. I would remove myself from any situation in which I might be alone with a man (including even asking a male teacher a question after class -I would ask one of my friends to stay back with me). This was so subconscious as I had been doing it my whole life! For the past few years I've been making an extra effort to not be like this. It's taken a lot of time to break a lifetime of training but I think I've made good progress.

The truth is - and still is true - I am scared of men. They are stronger than me, they are faster than me, they are louder than me and - they can hurt me. Really hurt me. Physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually, mentally. Men can yell different than a woman can. Men can grab your hand in a way that makes your heart stop and run for the hills in a way no woman can. Men are scary. 

IN THEORY - I loved Fifty Shades. I loved the idea of a man being so dominant and so fiercely protective and strong. I loved the idea of some fun power play in the bedroom and a set of rules to obey and punishments if they are broken. I like that idea both in serious life matters with serious punishments and in fun, play sexual matters with fun play sexual punishments.

IN THEORY - I also love sky diving, wheelies on motorcycles, swimming with sharks, taming a bull, being in the middle of a tornado, and kayaking down a waterfall. 

I like a lot of scary/dangerous things. I can be a bit of an adrenaline junkie and sometimes I LIKE things I am afraid of. Sometimes. But sometimes I SAY I like them because I don't want to be a big baby but then in real life when confronted with them I run away crying.

The fact is Fifty Shades of Grey scared me a little bit. Yes, the main character Christian Grey made my heart skip beats in a sexual way, but there was also a part of me that would be scared of him in real life. I do not like the way he handled everything and there were a lot of times I felt he was too rough. And, of course, since I'm all complicated, there were also a lot of times I felt he was not being near consistent enough and he let Ana get away with ANYTHING, when she really really deserved to be in trouble. 

In my mind I began to think of Ana and Christian as being like the life I would live if I chose DD and I got...scared.

What if some awesome man comes in to my life, we fall in love, we get married, I tell him about DD and hand over this HOH-y power and then he just goes crazy with it? He tells me I can't leave the house or I can't do things I love to do or he yells at me and cuts me to the quick? What if he's too rough with me? What if he gets angry and really hurts me? What then? What if he doesn't listen to me when I say "no"?

Some men have been trained in today's world that when a woman says "no" she means "yes." When a woman says she doesn't want sex, what she means is she wants you to be rough with her and force her while she's "pretending" she doesn't want it. 

I want my "no" to mean "no." When I say no - no don't touch me there, no I don't want to do that, no I can't right now, no I don't want to go there, no I don't want you to yell at me, no I don't feel good - I want it to mean "no."  

On the other hand, I also like things I read in Fifty Shades and in blogland about men being so in charge and even sometimes a little bit rough - only when it's all in good fun and both sides completley agree.

And I suppose that is part of why I like DD. 

What the hell?! What is that? What is wrong with me?!? It's like a small child who is gravely afraid of any type of airplane and yet goes to school to become a pilot. Who does that?!

"I'm really afraid of men. I don't even ride in an elevator with one alone EVER. Hmm so I think I want a relationship where he can spank me and has the ultimate say about things."  Ug. I confuse myself so much.

I still want DD I am just trying to figure out why. 

I think there is just something to be said for someone who has the power to hurt you and yet doesn't exercise it. There is something so magnificent about handing someone power and saying "here you can do whatever you want" and they turn around and only use their power for good.

I also think part of the reason I get so scared sometimes is because my husband is yet to be found. It's hard to trust someone you don't know. Right now he's just a figment of my imagination and it's hard for me to even comprehend that there could be a man out there that I could really like and trust. I feel so blind sometimes, having faith in a man I don't really know exists. I am trusting in a man I have never met. When he's here, I probably won't feel as scared as I feel now because I'll know who he is and he'll know who I am.

When we get to know each other and I see him face to face and know that he knows me and cares about me deeply, I will be able to trust him more. 

And then someday if I could talk to him and tell him that I feel scared and that my no means no, I would feel better. I think we will have to have some "rules for him" of things that really scare me. We will have to work out all this DD stuff. It's not black and white for everyone - it's grey. And every couple has a different shade that matches them perfectly. It's complicated. 

So now here I am. Fifty shades of messed up. I am just me. Waiting for some boy to come in to my life so I can tell him I want him to be rough with me but very gently, I want him to be in charge but not controlling, I want him to spank me but always be sensitive to my needs, I want him to understand that I do want DD but I am still scared. I'll have to tell him all those bad things that happened to me that I really don't want to tell him and he'll have to be patient and understanding.

And he'll have his own fifty shades that we will work through too.

And it will be 100 shades of us.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Why I Should Marry a Doctor

Well, why shouldn't I?

This past week was my birthday week and it got me reflecting on my life and the many phases I have gone through! My mom and I were laughing about all the "man-I'm-going-to-marry phases." I've had several and I thought it would be funny to share! 

*An emo kid/Musician
    Age: 7th to 8th grade
    Pro: He could write me songs!
    Con: I was depressed enough in jr. high without an emo boy's influence! 

Sexy voice: Hey babe, I slit my wrists in the shape of a heart just for you!!

*A jock
   Age: 9th - 10th grade
   Pro: They are super popular! And then I could be super popular too!
   Con: Sometimes, specifically in high school, jocks tend to be a little more on the jerky stuck up side

Sexy Voice: Hey babe, I'd like to make a touchdown on you!


    Age: 11th grade 
    Pro: We could pretend that there is lava on the floor and jump around on the beds and he could rescue me from "fires" and "put me out" ;)
    Con: I still can't think of a con for this. Firemen are HOTT!
Sexy Voice: Hey babe, will you hold my fire hose?

*Youth Pastor

  Age: 12th grade  Pro: A man who can get away with dressing in skinny jeans and converse even when he's 34.
  Con: Jr. High drama from the youth group all the time? yuk!
Sexy voice: Hey baby, lets pray before we get it on.
   Age: 18 - 19
    Pro: He's a vamp. Duh. Fighting of werewolves, rich, feeds on blood, he glitters - I mean what could be sexier right??
     Con: This type of man is exceptional difficult to find.
Sexy voice: I should kill you but I love you so much that I'm going to just make out with you instead.

   Age: 20 - 21
   Pro: Yes I know, you can make fun of me if you want but  profs are SEXY! They are in charge, educated, tough and fun to debate with.
     Con: They are all old and married. Sad day. Can't there be some 25 year old somewhere with his PhD?!?

Sexy voice: Hey Baby, you really want to make an A?


     Age: 21 - present
     Pro: First and foremost because I am a hypochondriac so instead of going on WebMD every five minutes I could just ask him. Second, he would be mature and educated and that's important to me. Third, well, doctors are just totally HOTT.
    Con: The hours he would have to work :(
Sexy Voice: Hey babe! Wanna play doctor? 


So I'm still in my doctor phase now. So if you know of any sexy doctors...send them my way! ;)