Saturday, March 31, 2012

I Spy a DD Couple

Okay so maybe I am paranoid. Actually, I KNOW I am...but I swear I saw a DD couple.

I was studying with my friends (story of my life! All I ever do is homework! UG!) at a restaurant and we were getting a little restless. We had been studying for several hours and I don't have a long attention span so I often find myself people watching. I was studying a waitress intently as she cleaned the booth right next to us and then set the table for new customers. The booth wasn't empty long and soon an older couple (I say older as in like age 55 - yes I realize that isn't old - I only said older ;) ) sat down.

The first thing I noticed is that they were holding hands. Awww! Then they went and sat down NEXT to each other in the booth - on the same side. I hardly ever see couples do that!!

One of my two majors in college is about marriage - so I am always watching married people and their communication patterns and the way they interact with one another, etc. I was very interested and I started studying them intently. They were snuggling up next to each other while reading the menus and giggling as they discussed what to order.

After placing their order the husband got out his phone and they began looking at facebook pictures. AND THEN THE HUSBAND SAID "oh look at this picture! She needs a spanking!" and his wife said "Oh stop!" and playfully hit him!

I almost. fell. out. of. my. booth.

My mouth dropped down to the floor but of course I was with my friends so I couldn't say anything! None of them had heard - they were all engrossed in their books.

I kept thinking maybe this is someone I know! Maybe it's someone from blogland!

I watched them carefully the whole rest of the time, while I was studying for my tests, of course. I'm sure they thought I was such a creep! As they left I gave them both a large smile as if to say "I know your secret!" The husband smiled back sweetly as he escorted his wife out, hand in hand.

**sigh** Someday it will be me.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Could This Be Unhealthy?

I don't know. I've just been thinking lately. (A terrible past time, I know) 

I think maybe this is borderline unhealthy for me. "This" being this blog, my obsession with this lifestyle, etc. I don't think it's unhealthy to practice DD - I just think it may be unhealthy for me, as a single person, to be so consumed with it.

It's like an obsession to find my husband. Where is he? Could that be him?? Or maybe that one? What will it be like? All of it - what will it be like when we go out on dates? When he kisses me? When we get engaged? Will I cry? What about when we get married? What will my wedding look like? What will sex be like? What will our marriage be like? Will he agree to this lifestyle or will he think I'm nuts? What would a spanking be like? Will I cry? Will I be mad at him or would it really help us? What would it feel like to be held and cared for so deeply?

It's consuming. I can't help it. It fills my thoughts almost every day. So I started to consider how I might change this pattern if it were, in fact, unhealthy for me.

I came to the conclusion that I am not any more consumed with DD or a husband right now then I was before starting this blog - because honestly - I thought about all of those questions JUST AS MUCH before this blog. And if I were to delete it I believe I would still think those same things just as much as I do now. So I don't think the blog is causing the possibly unhealthy consuming thoughts. It's just me...

And don't misunderstand - it's not that I am sitting home twiddling my thumbs hoping some prince will knock on my door. Nope. I am super involved in my school - double-majoring, student government, meetings literally every single night, study groups, leadership teams, ministry groups, extra-curricular activities, part time job, social clubs. Plus I volunteer weekly for a cause I really truly care about. I am already making plans for after graduation - applying to grad school and planning on moving across the country to pursue my biggest career dream. I am not just sitting home waiting for some man to come along. Honestly if he walked in right now I might not have time for him! hahaha! Yet - between all these things I have going - I still manage to find times to feel just a little bit lonely. I still find times to wonder where he is - or if he's even out there? I mean no one told me I was going to get married. It's not a guarantee that there is someone for me. What if I just end up an old lady with cats?? 

 My friends tell me I analyze things too much. Anyways - just some thoughts. Tell me your opinion - I love to hear them :)

Friday, March 2, 2012

Mom, I Want A Husband Who Spanks Me

Yep. I said that. Want to see what my mom looked like??

She doesn't freak out about much and she didn't "freak out" but she did ask a lot of questions. She was thoughtful and more then a little bit concerned.

It all started because she was noting how my relationship with God has changed so much in the past few months. I used to be really angry with God for a lot of things in my life, I was really not respectful, I would yell at Him all the time for making things in my life not work out and I would criticize His timing, His plans, and I told Him all the time that I could do it better. It was like a bad marriage. It's comical to me, even now typing this that I say God and I were headed for the end of the road when I decided to start viewing Him as my HOH. That concept revolutionized the way I related to Him in every area. When I started to think of things like God gently correcting me because He loves me and wants to protect me, I stopped getting so angry when I got caught doing bad things. When I started submitting to His leadership, life just worked a whole lot easier.

My mom noticed a big difference in my life, how church suddenly became important and how I stopped hanging out with some friends who weren't so great for me. When she asked me why the change, I started to try to explain it to her but I couldn't explain properly without just telling her the whole shabang. My mom and I really tell each other EVERYTHING so I'm kind of surprised I kept this from her for so long in the first place. I felt that she would find out eventually and it seemed like a good time to tell her. She had lots of questions...

"So is this just like a sexual thing?"

"No. Of course there's sexual aspects to it, but it's not about sex. It's not a game. It's a serious way to help remind me to be respectful and to help my husband be the leader."

She was quiet for a little bit and then she said "I just don't want you to be abused. I think it could very easily become abuse! How do you know the line?"

I assured her there IS a definite line and I DEFINITELY know where it is. I told her he's not allowed to hit me anywhere else on my body and it's not just something for him to do when he's angry. It's a shared agreement and it's consensual. Abuse isn't consensual. Abuse causes harm and discord and hurt, DD doesn't do any of those things. I tried to explain this all to her very delicately, and she listened but she still seemed concerned.

A few minutes later she said "Do you think a man would ever really do that lovingly? Men are very controlling and power hungry and you give them a little bit of control and it could be scary." (See where I get my unhealthy view of men?! No wonder!! SHEESH!)

"Yes mom there are lots of really good Christian men who do this and they are very sweet and loving! I promise!"

"Have you ever met any couples that practice this?"

"Umm...well....not in person!" We kind of started talking about other things and then at the very end of the conversation she said

"Just please be careful."

"I will mom." :)

So that's it. Mom knows now. And we probably won't talk about it again for at least ten more years!