I told you about that play I was in?! Yeah well it sucked up my whole life! That and I have a huge senior project that all the seniors have to do that I am working on right now...I just want to graduate and be done with it! ugg!! I should be back to blogging more regularly now that the play is over!
Anyways the play was fantastic. I have always, always dreamed about having a lead role. I wanted the whole play to be just about me and then I got it! It was really amazing and it took a lot of time and energy but it was worth every second!
You think I could be satisfied with that right? You think I got everything I ever wanted and I should just be content? Yeah well I thought I would be. But give me an inch...
There is an acting award that two people out of the play get. It ALWAYS ALWAYS goes to the person who got the lead role. That's just how it works. That's the way it has always been. But we got a stupid new professor whom I absolutely loathe and no one told him how it works.
I wanted that award SO BAD. I was already planning what I was going to do when I got it! It would have been the topper to my senior year! It would have been so amazing! And I would have been able to go to a competition! I was soo so excited....
And then today we found out that two underclassman got the award.
This just happened a few hours ago so I'm still pretty upset.
I feel completely robbed of what was rightfully earned by me! It's totally unfair! I worked so freaking hard for that part and I worked so hard every single night in rehearsal and I don't even get the award?! It's totally unfair. I am a senior!! Those underclassman have so many more chances! It's totally unfair! This professor and I don't get along very well and I swear he picked these other two people because they are his favorites. I hate him so much!
I know I am a grown up but sometimes I still just really like to throw fits. I know it's horrible and I feel so stupid afterwards, but I still throw them. I try not to but when I had hoped for something so much I just can't handle the disappointment!! I try so hard to be mature but...but sometimes I just want to SCREAM!
The bad thing about throwing fits though is that I have to be the fit thrower AND the calmer downer.
I want to be able to kick and scream and say a whole bunch of completely irrational and unrealistic things. "THIS IS REALLY STUPID! THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR! I HATE EVERYTHING! I AM NEVER EVER EVER DOING ANYTHING IN THEATRE EVER AGAIN. GOD NEVER GIVES ME WHAT I WANT. I AM NEVER EVEN TALKING TO THAT STUPID PROFESSOR EVER AGAIN! I HATE EVERYONE!"
I want to say all that. And I want to throw something across the room. And I want to throw a few cuss words in there too. But I want someone else here to respond. I want someone to shake me and say "HEY! Get a hold of yourself. Is this really that important?! When you get to Heaven is God going to only let Irene Ryan nominees in?! When you interview for a job are they going to say 'Hey, have you ever been nominated for an Irene Ryan?'" And then I want him to say "If you don't knock it off, you are going to get a spanking!"
And of course I wouldn't knock it off because I am just so angry. I need to just scream and cry. I need to just let it all out. And I have no mode of getting all this energy out. It's like all this pent up anger and hurt and disappointment and nowhere to put it. It never gets emptied out.
I have to be my own reason and logic when I don't want to be. Of course I can say all the irrational things I want. But I also have to be the one to come back to myself and say the realistic things and talk myself out of it.
I did text my friend and pretty much say tons of ridiculous, rude unrealistic things. She is a lot older than I am (like by 30 years) and sometimes more like a mom than a friend and so she text back that she thought I was more mature than that.
Yeah well I'm not.
I won't ever get another chance for this. Ever. It's over. You can't get this acting award unless you are in college and I am graduating! And we don't have any more plays that I can be in this year. So it's done! It really sucks.
And I am still throwing a fit about it.
