Lets Get Physical: Guilt and Spankings

I think my brain is different than most people's. Or maybe I just have some crazy disease that no one else has ever heard of!

I am the only person I know who has PHYSICAL things happen when they feel something passionately. Most normal people have physical things happen when they are excited sexually but that's not what I'm talking about here. 

Sometimes when I get really excited about something, I think about it so much that I get a throbbing headache and I have to force myself to calm down.

When I get very, very sad I have pains in my chest. It is not simply my imagination. They are real, painful and very scary chest pains.

I have been to the emergency room and several doctors for it on many different occasions because I have often been afraid I was having a heart attack or something. They ran multiple tests and absolutely nothing is wrong with my heart or my lungs.

I had one doctor tell me it was just a panic attack. But I don't have heavy breathing or panicky feelings or anything like that when it happens so I have trouble believing it's a panic attack. I am simply very sad about something.

Who knows? The point is that I am a PHYSICAL person and I think about thing in PHYSICAL terms and I respond to things better that are PHYSICALLY in front of me.

I think DD greatly appeals to the physical part of me. 

There is something to be said for the physical absolution of it. I am not very good at simply "moving on" from things or just "letting it go." (And saying "not very good at" is an understatement. I completely and utterly suck at it.)

When I get in a fight with one of my friends, after it is over I always want to buy them something or make them something special. It's not good enough for me to say "I'm sorry." I feel like I have to physically show them. I know it's not expected, but I don't ever really feel like it's all over until I do something physical to show it.

My professor was talking about guilt the other day and suddenly it all made sense to me.

I feel guilty. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough for me because I still feel rotten inside. I need something physical.

This past weekend I was visiting home and I told my mom about some shoes I reeeeeeeally wanted. She said she could get them for me as a late Christmas present! YAY! I was so excited and looked forward to it all weekend.

Right before we left for the mall my mom said something that frustrated me and I started a long argument with her. When we got in the car to go get the shoes I didn't even want them. I mean I wanted them but I felt so bad inside that I didn't really want them anymore. I told her not to get them for me and that I was sorry I started the argument. She said it was no big deal and she got me the shoes anyways but I just felt so....guilty.

I couldn't understand why I felt that way and I just chalked it up to being some sort of self-sabotaging behavior. I just wanted something physical so I could "feel" more forgiven.

The physicalness of DD is so awesome to me because I can just see how it works. It's a physical thing - a way to tell my brain that it's over, to let it go, to stop thinking about it, to stop saying sorry and to stop feeling guilty.


Love to hear your thoughts as always!
I wish I could PHYSICALLY give you all a hug! :)

How To Get out of A Spanking

I just thought this would help you all out. You know, if you needed an emergency escape plan ;)

Throwing A Fit

Please forgive me!! I promise I am back to blogging! I have a lot of posts in my drafts that just need to be edited and then I will post them! I have so much to tell you all and I really miss you when I'm not here! :)

I told you about that play I was in?! Yeah well it sucked up my whole life! That and I have a huge senior project that all the seniors have to do that I am working on right now...I just want to graduate and be done with it! ugg!! I should be back to blogging more regularly now that the play is over!

Anyways the play was fantastic. I have always, always dreamed about having a lead role. I wanted the whole play to be just about me and then I got it! It was really amazing and it took a lot of time and energy but it was worth every second!

You think I could be satisfied with that right? You think I got everything I ever wanted and I should just be content? Yeah well I thought I would be. But give me an inch...

There is an acting award that two people out of the play get. It ALWAYS ALWAYS goes to the person who got the lead role. That's just how it works. That's the way it has always been. But we got a stupid new professor whom I absolutely loathe and no one told him how it works.

I wanted that award SO BAD. I was already planning what I was going to do when I got it! It would have been the topper to my senior year! It would have been so amazing! And I would have been able to go to a competition! I was soo so excited....

And then today we found out that two underclassman got the award. 

This just happened a few hours ago so I'm still pretty upset.

I feel completely robbed of what was rightfully earned by me! It's totally unfair! I worked so freaking hard for that part and I worked so hard every single night in rehearsal and I don't even get the award?! It's totally unfair. I am a senior!! Those underclassman have so many more chances! It's totally unfair! This professor and I don't get along very well and I swear he picked these other two people because they are his favorites. I hate him so much! 

I know I am a grown up but sometimes I still just really like to throw fits. I know it's horrible and I feel so stupid afterwards, but I still throw them. I try not to but when I had hoped for something so much I just can't handle the disappointment!! I try so hard to be mature but...but sometimes I just want to SCREAM!

The bad thing about throwing fits though is that I have to be the fit thrower AND the calmer downer.

I want to be able to kick and scream and say a whole bunch of completely irrational and unrealistic things. "THIS IS REALLY STUPID! THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR! I HATE EVERYTHING! I AM NEVER EVER EVER DOING ANYTHING IN THEATRE EVER AGAIN. GOD NEVER GIVES ME WHAT I WANT. I AM NEVER EVEN TALKING TO THAT STUPID PROFESSOR EVER AGAIN! I HATE EVERYONE!"

I want to say all that. And I want to throw something across the room. And I want to throw a few cuss words in there too. But I want someone else here to respond. I want someone to shake me and say "HEY! Get a hold of yourself. Is this really that important?! When you get to Heaven is God going to only let Irene Ryan nominees in?! When you interview for a job are they going to say 'Hey, have you ever been nominated for an Irene Ryan?'" And then I want him to say "If you don't knock it off, you are going to get a spanking!"

And of course I wouldn't knock it off because I am just so angry. I need to just scream and cry. I need to just let it all out. And I have no mode of getting all this energy out. It's like all this pent up anger and hurt and disappointment and nowhere to put it. It never gets emptied out. 

I have to be my own reason and logic when I don't want to be. Of course I can say all the irrational things I want. But I also have to be the one to come back to myself and say the realistic things and talk myself out of it.


I did text my friend and pretty much say tons of ridiculous, rude unrealistic things. She is a lot older than I am (like by 30 years) and sometimes more like a mom than a friend and so she text back that she thought I was more mature than that.

Yeah well I'm not.

I won't ever get another chance for this. Ever. It's over. You can't get this acting award unless you are in college and I am graduating! And we don't have any more plays that I can be in this year. So it's done! It really sucks.

And I am still throwing a fit about it.

Sharing My Blog With An Outsider

It's a scary thing, sharing a blog like this with someone in the "outside world." Should you or should you not? It's like a flower with endless petals to pull off...I should...I should not!...I should!...I should NOT!

I have never shared my blog with anyone I know in real life. I have told one of my friends about DD and I gave her links to YOUR blogs but not mine. I assume she is smart enough to read the comments and find my blog if she really wanted to but I don't think she has yet.

Now I have been talking to someone else about marriage (but I didn't mention anything to her about DD) and wondering if I should share my blog with her. I told her I would send her the link. But now I want to chicken out... 

Here's my story, tell me what you think.

One time when I was about thirteen I had a dream about this teacher that I liked spanking me. I really didn't understand it but I knew it was odd. I remember feeling alone and not really knowing what was going on with me. I knew I could never ever tell ANYONE something as crazy as that.

There was a girl about four or five years older than me, a mentor type, who went to the same church as I did and every once in awhile her and I would chat about things. I looked up to her (and I still do even though we don't talk much anymore) and I always wanted to know her opinions about boys and life. One time we were talking online and we began talking about sex. She mentioned spanking just briefly and then we both completely changed the subject.

I didn't know what to think. The first thing I felt was relieved - is this some sort of sexual thing that no one told me about? Why wasn't this in the American Girl body books? How come my mother never mentioned it? 

I never did ask her about it but it always stuck in my mind that just maybe I wasn't so weird after all.

Well that girl went off to college and I ended up choosing the same college a few years later. She graduated from college the same time I graduated from high school so by the time I got here she was gone.

She is now very happily married with an adorable baby and I've often wondered about things...What could she have meant when she said that nine years ago? Does she know about DD? Is that why she is so happily married?

We never see each other anymore or talk except an occasional comment on facebook, but then the other day she just so happened to be back on campus for a little bit! We went out to eat and it was really nice to get caught up. 

We talked a little bit about boys and marriage and I mentioned that I had a blog about marriage. I told her I would send her a link to my blog along with some other things we talked about.

I didn't tell her anything about DD and I guess I don't know why I want to show her my blog but I just do. I suppose just because I want her opinion on this whole thing. I want to know if she knows about it. I want to know if she thinks it's crazy! I want to know if there is anyone in real life (not that you all aren't amazing because you are!!) who could possibly understand?

I read over some of my old posts and they just feel so extremely personal. They are so much a part of who I am, but it's such a different part. A part I never share with anyone except Blogworld. Jokes that others wouldn't understand, stories that wouldn't make sense to outsiders, dreams and aspirations that other unknowing people would spit on. I love my blog and it might not be as active or in-depth as others but it's a wonderful, safe place for me to share my dreams and not feel stupid.

But even if I did share my blog with anyone...how do you explain DD in a post? How do you explain it in ten posts? It's so intricate, it's so complicated. There are so many questions. There are so many different pieces to explain. It's so easily misunderstood that only reading about it may make it seem so different from what it really is. 

So what do you think? I should, I should not? Have you ever shared your blogs with outsiders? How did it turn out? Is it worth it?

I'M BACK!!!!!

[**Insert Chariots of Fire slow motion run towards you here**]



Did you miss me?! Because I sure missed you all an awful lot!!! I have so much to tell you! Probably way too much for one post but I will try to be concise! I think it was really good and healthy for me to take a break from blogging and I needed it but I am back for awhile now :)

First and most important: I got the lead role in the school play!!!! I am so excited about it! I wanted it SO BAD and I prayed really hard and practiced every day and I am so happy that I got it! It has made my senior year delightful so far!

Here's the kicker: My character is quite the feisty, loud, obnoxious, bouncy girl (type casting I know!) and in one scene...an older man says to my character...

"What you need young lady, is a good old fashioned spanking!"

Seriously he says that to me. Every night.

I have to pray my face doesn't turn red every night.

So. Awkward.

Life taunts me! :)


The second piece of news I have for you is this:

My mom signed me up for an online dating site. A few weeks ago I was crying about how much I wanted a husband and how I wasn't ready last year but I am ready this year...and all the boys at my college are immature and passive and the ones who are mature/aggressive are taken. So she signed me up. I told her I didn't want to because I thought it was stupid...but after awhile curiousity overtook me and I had to check it out.

Here is what I WANTED to find:

Eyes: Brown
Hair: Brown
Occupation: Doctor
Profile: I am a strong man who loves God and life passionately. I love candle light dinners, wine, and long walks on the beach. I can't wait to be a father. I will buy you flowers just because it's Tuesday. I will be a strong Christian leader for you and our family.








Instead, here is what I have been finding:

Eyes: Weird
Hair: Eh
Occupation: i work at a gas station
Profile: Im jus a chill dude all laid back and stuff. Lemme kno if u wanna chat gurl! I dont really kno what I wanna due in life im jus hangin out so call me up and we can c where dis goes.






WHAT?! 

Call me shallow for clicking "not interested" when you can't be bothered to spell out a coherent sentence. If I need someone else to translate your profile then it ain't gonna happen buddy. Ridiculous. 

Seriously I don't think my expectations are that high.

All I want is a boy with brown hair and brown eyes who has a graduate degree or a PhD in anything, a natural born leader, who flosses daily and hates brussel sprouts.

And I'm flexible on the flossing thing...

Fifty Shades of Me

First and foremost I really cannot even express how grateful I am for all of you being so kind in my last post. I really, really needed to tell someone but I knew I couldn't talk to friends and you guys really helped me. You are great friends! I'm amazed at how I can feel so loved and cared for when I can't even see your faces! Thank you A LOT!






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Sorry this post is a little ramble-y and it's probably more information than you ever wanted to know about me...I'm a little nervous about being so open on a blog...but here 'goes.


Someone online a few weeks ago said "Man for someone your age you really have it together." HA!


I think overall in my life I can appear that I have it together and know what I want. I am proud that I can come off that way but it is completely not the truth. At all. I am so messed up!


I am going to talk a bit about 50 Shades of Grey but I promise I will not ruin anything for those that have not read it! And I also promise you won't be lost or confused if you haven't read them - so stay with me here!

The books made me think a lot about dd, sex, bdsm, and all of those other issues that aren't really black and white but are more..."grey."

Honestly if you have not read Fifty Shades of Grey and you are practicing DD - you should. YES it is a bad book, YES it is x-rated, YES it is "women porn", and YES there is a whole hell of a lot of sex. But if you read past that and on to the second and third books you will begin to really see a lot of psychological issues that are worth discussing. If you could look at it from a psychologists perspective and really look at these characters and why they feel the way they do and why they act the way they do, it's really quite interesting. I found the book extremely intriguing and I can't help but think that some of you might as well.

One thing I will ruin but it's really not a surprise or any big mystery - is the title. Christian Grey says he is "Fifty shades of f***** up" and that's where the book got it's title. Christian feels he has a lot of issues, problems, hang-ups and he refers to himself as fifty shades of messed up. That's pretty much how I feel about myself.


I wonder sometimes and I think other people do too, about why I don't have a boyfriend. I am funny and goofy but I know how to be serious, I like to be spontaneous and do crazy things like go on a trip without planning it at all. I am in charge of a lot of programs at school and I love to organize and make a big event turn out seamless! I am skinny but not gangly. I am not nerdy-girl smart but I make A's. I don't pick my nose in public or have weird purple stems growing out of odd places on my body...So what gives? Well..the truth is - I know why.


Up until about two years ago, I didn't even want a boyfriend. Since I've been about 1 years old I have been desperately afraid of men of all kinds. If a boy paid any kind  of attention to me at all I would shut him down and walk away and 99% of the time I did not even realize I was doing it. And not shut him down in a cute "try to catch me" sort of way but in a dangerous "stay far away from me I mean it!" sort of way. It was such a habit to not give anything with a penis the time of day. I would remove myself from any situation in which I might be alone with a man (including even asking a male teacher a question after class -I would ask one of my friends to stay back with me). This was so subconscious as I had been doing it my whole life! For the past few years I've been making an extra effort to not be like this. It's taken a lot of time to break a lifetime of training but I think I've made good progress.


The truth is - and still is true - I am scared of men. They are stronger than me, they are faster than me, they are louder than me and - they can hurt me. Really hurt me. Physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually, mentally. Men can yell different than a woman can. Men can grab your hand in a way that makes your heart stop and run for the hills in a way no woman can. Men are scary. 


IN THEORY - I loved Fifty Shades. I loved the idea of a man being so dominant and so fiercely protective and strong. I loved the idea of some fun power play in the bedroom and a set of rules to obey and punishments if they are broken. I like that idea both in serious life matters with serious punishments and in fun, play sexual matters with fun play sexual punishments.


IN THEORY - I also love sky diving, wheelies on motorcycles, swimming with sharks, taming a bull, being in the middle of a tornado, and kayaking down a waterfall. 


I like a lot of scary/dangerous things. I can be a bit of an adrenaline junkie and sometimes I LIKE things I am afraid of. Sometimes. But sometimes I SAY I like them because I don't want to be a big baby but then in real life when confronted with them I run away crying.

The fact is Fifty Shades of Grey scared me a little bit. Yes, the main character Christian Grey made my heart skip beats in a sexual way, but there was also a part of me that would be scared of him in real life. I do not like the way he handled everything and there were a lot of times I felt he was too rough. And, of course, since I'm all complicated, there were also a lot of times I felt he was not being near consistent enough and he let Ana get away with ANYTHING, when she really really deserved to be in trouble. 

In my mind I began to think of Ana and Christian as being like the life I would live if I chose DD and I got...scared.

What if some awesome man comes in to my life, we fall in love, we get married, I tell him about DD and hand over this HOH-y power and then he just goes crazy with it? He tells me I can't leave the house or I can't do things I love to do or he yells at me and cuts me to the quick? What if he's too rough with me? What if he gets angry and really hurts me? What then? What if he doesn't listen to me when I say "no"?

Some men have been trained in today's world that when a woman says "no" she means "yes." When a woman says she doesn't want sex, what she means is she wants you to be rough with her and force her while she's "pretending" she doesn't want it. 

I want my "no" to mean "no." When I say no - no don't touch me there, no I don't want to do that, no I can't right now, no I don't want to go there, no I don't want you to yell at me, no I don't feel good - I want it to mean "no."  

On the other hand, I also like things I read in Fifty Shades and in blogland about men being so in charge and even sometimes a little bit rough - only when it's all in good fun and both sides completley agree.

And I suppose that is part of why I like DD. 


What the hell?! What is that? What is wrong with me?!? It's like a small child who is gravely afraid of any type of airplane and yet goes to school to become a pilot. Who does that?!


"I'm really afraid of men. I don't even ride in an elevator with one alone EVER. Hmm so I think I want a relationship where he can spank me and has the ultimate say about things."  Ug. I confuse myself so much.


I still want DD I am just trying to figure out why. 


I think there is just something to be said for someone who has the power to hurt you and yet doesn't exercise it. There is something so magnificent about handing someone power and saying "here you can do whatever you want" and they turn around and only use their power for good.

I also think part of the reason I get so scared sometimes is because my husband is yet to be found. It's hard to trust someone you don't know. Right now he's just a figment of my imagination and it's hard for me to even comprehend that there could be a man out there that I could really like and trust. I feel so blind sometimes, having faith in a man I don't really know exists. I am trusting in a man I have never met. When he's here, I probably won't feel as scared as I feel now because I'll know who he is and he'll know who I am.

When we get to know each other and I see him face to face and know that he knows me and cares about me deeply, I will be able to trust him more. 


And then someday if I could talk to him and tell him that I feel scared and that my no means no, I would feel better. I think we will have to have some "rules for him" of things that really scare me. We will have to work out all this DD stuff. It's not black and white for everyone - it's grey. And every couple has a different shade that matches them perfectly. It's complicated. 


So now here I am. Fifty shades of messed up. I am just me. Waiting for some boy to come in to my life so I can tell him I want him to be rough with me but very gently, I want him to be in charge but not controlling, I want him to spank me but always be sensitive to my needs, I want him to understand that I do want DD but I am still scared. I'll have to tell him all those bad things that happened to me that I really don't want to tell him and he'll have to be patient and understanding.


And he'll have his own fifty shades that we will work through too.


And it will be 100 shades of us.

Wait! I Changed My Mind!

This week was finals week so I was extra tired and cranky. By the time I laid down on my bed, my eyes were burning! I was so tired and it felt amazing to let my heavy eyelids close. Just as I was drifting off to a peaceful, content sleep...








My husband suddenly flung the door open and marched in!

"I hope you aren't asleep. We still have business to take care of."

"What business?" I asked innocently although I knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Get up please." he won't engage in my pretend game of innocence

I got up sleepily and pulled off my shorts, while he sat on the bed and waited for me. I walked over to his side very bravely and then I suddenly realized what I was doing!

Oh my gosh!

"Wait!!" Large tears formed in my eyes and began to spill over. "Wait I changed my mind! I don't want this anymore!!" I took one step back and started to cry.

There was a slight chuckle in his voice "Little girl, you are too far in to change your mind now. Come here."

"But...but wait! I'm scared!"

His big arms reached out and held me tightly for a moment. "Baby don't be scared!" His arms are strong and they made me feel safe and secure. "It's all going to be okay, I promise. Now come on."

I realized that he's right. It will all be okay because I trust him with my whole life. So I laid myself over his lap and he raised his hand in the air...




















And then I always wake up at this part... **happy sigh**

Could This Be Unhealthy?

I don't know. I've just been thinking lately. (A terrible past time, I know) 

I think maybe this is borderline unhealthy for me. "This" being this blog, my obsession with this lifestyle, etc. I don't think it's unhealthy to practice DD - I just think it may be unhealthy for me, as a single person, to be so consumed with it.


It's like an obsession to find my husband. Where is he? Could that be him?? Or maybe that one? What will it be like? All of it - what will it be like when we go out on dates? When he kisses me? When we get engaged? Will I cry? What about when we get married? What will my wedding look like? What will sex be like? What will our marriage be like? Will he agree to this lifestyle or will he think I'm nuts? What would a spanking be like? Will I cry? Will I be mad at him or would it really help us? What would it feel like to be held and cared for so deeply?


It's consuming. I can't help it. It fills my thoughts almost every day. So I started to consider how I might change this pattern if it were, in fact, unhealthy for me.


I came to the conclusion that I am not any more consumed with DD or a husband right now then I was before starting this blog - because honestly - I thought about all of those questions JUST AS MUCH before this blog. And if I were to delete it I believe I would still think those same things just as much as I do now. So I don't think the blog is causing the possibly unhealthy consuming thoughts. It's just me...


And don't misunderstand - it's not that I am sitting home twiddling my thumbs hoping some prince will knock on my door. Nope. I am super involved in my school - double-majoring, student government, meetings literally every single night, study groups, leadership teams, ministry groups, extra-curricular activities, part time job, social clubs. Plus I volunteer weekly for a cause I really truly care about. I am already making plans for after graduation - applying to grad school and planning on moving across the country to pursue my biggest career dream. I am not just sitting home waiting for some man to come along. Honestly if he walked in right now I might not have time for him! hahaha! Yet - between all these things I have going - I still manage to find times to feel just a little bit lonely. I still find times to wonder where he is - or if he's even out there? I mean no one told me I was going to get married. It's not a guarantee that there is someone for me. What if I just end up an old lady with cats?? 


 My friends tell me I analyze things too much. Anyways - just some thoughts. Tell me your opinion - I love to hear them :)

Mom, I Want A Husband Who Spanks Me

Yep. I said that. Want to see what my mom looked like??

She doesn't freak out about much and she didn't "freak out" but she did ask a lot of questions. She was thoughtful and more then a little bit concerned.


It all started because she was noting how my relationship with God has changed so much in the past few months. I used to be really angry with God for a lot of things in my life, I was really not respectful, I would yell at Him all the time for making things in my life not work out and I would criticize His timing, His plans, and I told Him all the time that I could do it better. It was like a bad marriage. It's comical to me, even now typing this that I say God and I were headed for the end of the road when I decided to start viewing Him as my HOH. That concept revolutionized the way I related to Him in every area. When I started to think of things like God gently correcting me because He loves me and wants to protect me, I stopped getting so angry when I got caught doing bad things. When I started submitting to His leadership, life just worked a whole lot easier.

My mom noticed a big difference in my life, how church suddenly became important and how I stopped hanging out with some friends who weren't so great for me. When she asked me why the change, I started to try to explain it to her but I couldn't explain properly without just telling her the whole shabang. My mom and I really tell each other EVERYTHING so I'm kind of surprised I kept this from her for so long in the first place. I felt that she would find out eventually and it seemed like a good time to tell her. She had lots of questions...

"So is this just like a sexual thing?"

"No. Of course there's sexual aspects to it, but it's not about sex. It's not a game. It's a serious way to help remind me to be respectful and to help my husband be the leader."

She was quiet for a little bit and then she said "I just don't want you to be abused. I think it could very easily become abuse! How do you know the line?"

I assured her there IS a definite line and I DEFINITELY know where it is. I told her he's not allowed to hit me anywhere else on my body and it's not just something for him to do when he's angry. It's a shared agreement and it's consensual. Abuse isn't consensual. Abuse causes harm and discord and hurt, DD doesn't do any of those things. I tried to explain this all to her very delicately, and she listened but she still seemed concerned.


A few minutes later she said "Do you think a man would ever really do that lovingly? Men are very controlling and power hungry and you give them a little bit of control and it could be scary." (See where I get my unhealthy view of men?! No wonder!! SHEESH!)


"Yes mom there are lots of really good Christian men who do this and they are very sweet and loving! I promise!"


"Have you ever met any couples that practice this?"


"Umm...well....not in person!" We kind of started talking about other things and then at the very end of the conversation she said


"Just please be careful."


"I will mom." :)


So that's it. Mom knows now. And we probably won't talk about it again for at least ten more years!

Marriages in the Movies

Ever see marriages that could use a little...oh...um...how do I put this....DD?! I know DD is not for everyone and I of course wouldn't suggest everyone try it - but I do often see marriages that I just think need some...help.


 Ever heard of Good Luck Charlie? I, being a young college student, still like watching Disney channel and Good Luck Charlie is my favorite show as of late. I love observing the way people interact and the way the writers present certain issues. The marriage between the parents on this show is always hysterical and I love the things they go through together - but I would never want my marriage to be that way. Amy Duncan (the mom in the show) is completely in control and walks all over Bob and the kids not only encourage it but they become a part of it too.


This was the only clip I could find that semi-showed what I'm talking about. In most of the shows the mom is comically over-ruling and belittling  the dad - often in front of the kids and other friends.

I still love the show A LOT and I even laugh when the wife makes off-handed extremely disrespectful comments. But it does make me concerned about how often marriages are portrayed this way and how it is seen as so normal and so comical. Feeling disrespected isn't funny in real life.

Do you see shows like this or is it just me?? One of the best examples I can think of where I see what I would call a healthy marriage portrayed is in The Incredibles! They support each other in front of the kids and try to be kind and understanding of each other even when their family was going through a rough time.

What shows or movies do you see that either portray good marriages or not-so-good? 

DD and Distancing

(Side note: I wanted to name this blog post "DD, Distancing, Death, the 4 D's and Damn that's a lot of D's" but I felt that wasn't really setting the mood I wanted to for this post...but I thought I'd share anyways just to lighten it up :) )
 
After reading Sara's Blog, I began to reflect more on my biggest fear concerning DD relationships and my future.
 
I suppose, from what I've observed, DD's biggest help is also it's biggest "flaw" - if you can call it that. In a DD relationship you become dependent on each other. (Well no duh! It's a marriage, you are going to be dependent on each other anyways.) But DD is different. It opens the heart to even deeper trust and dependence beyond what a regular relationship does. 
 
I was thinking about it the other day - what if something DID happen to someone's spouse? God forbid it, seriously, I would certainly pray that none of us ever have to suffer that! But we are in this crazy thing called life and awful, terrible things do happen all the time to good people. So what would one do? After years of training and practice from DD to not do things on your own, to not put up walls, to not be independent and then BAM you are forced into a place where you HAVE to do all those things? I know myself and I know I would never recover.
 
Putting up walls, or being "Tough Girl" (Copyright Stormy - minus the obstinate part) is our human mind's way of trying to survive. It's a survival technique that single parents and single women have to learn in order to get by. They tell themselves they don't need someone else in order to get things done in life. So what is one to do when learning over and over to not do those things and then what if one was put in a situation where they must? It scares me to even think about it. I mean I still cry over broken friendships with people I wasn't even that close to!
 
And PLEASE take everything I say with a grain of salt because I realize I have no idea what I'm talking about since I am speaking from an unmarried, never-been-in-a-dd-relationship opinion. I know things look different from the outside looking in.
 
But I suppose, as it stands right now, I just want a DD relationship to be for me and my husband to get along better. I see young women ALL THE TIME who scream at their husbands, belittle them, nag them, and I just don't want that to be me. I don't want a marriage where people look at us and whisper "Sheesh! I'd hate to have to be stuck with her!" I want DD in place to keep my attitude in check, to keep us talking nice to each other, because I know how easily I take over control in all my relationships and I don't want that for my marriage.
 
But as far as this "distancing" thing goes - well, I just don't know how much I want that to be a punishable offense in my marriage. Distancing is like a really big thing around here - it truly is the 5th "D" (Another copyright by Stormy) in the D's of Domestic Discipline. It's an issue I've read about on blog after blog so obviously it's a big deal. 
 
And don't get me wrong, I understand how distancing is a problem in a marriage, and I can see how it can get in the way of being close to each other, but I guess I don't want to be in a place where I could not survive without my HOH because in all seriousness - things do happen and I wouldn't want to stop living life at age 30 because something happened to my perfect husband. Does anyone know what I mean?

I don't know. After re-reading this, I guess maybe that defeats the whole purpose of DD? I am not saying I don't want to "need" him or be dependent on him. I already know I need a husband and I already know I will be dependent on him, but I guess I'm just saying I want to know how to mow the lawn and pay the bills just in case, ya know? Is that wrong? 


I'm sorry if this post was depressing or disrupting to anyone - I really didn't mean it that way at all. It was just some thoughts/concerns/fears I had lately and I wanted to share. 
What are your thoughts? Am I completely missing the point?

When You Can't See His Hand, Trust His Heart

Sometimes I do bad things. And I don't mean to. I really am a good person and I want so badly to be a good girl but I have these friends...and I want them to think I am cool (what is this Jr. High?!) and so I often get myself in situations that I don't want to be in when I'm with them. It's never anything illegal or even anything most people consider really bad, but it's bad for me because it's not who I want to be.


I want someone else to help me. I feel like if I had someone else -  a husband - things like this would be easier. I KNOW marriage has it's own struggles and it's not all hunky dory and it takes work, yes yes I know I know. I'm not saying if I got married my life would be perfect and all my problems would fade away in to the highland midst - I know that's not true at all. I just think it would be EASIER to deal with these struggles about making good choices and I just think it would be a little bit easier in my walk with God.

I know I am not supposed to be dependant on someone else to make me who I want to be and I need to work on those things now – I know that and I try. But it's really hard.

If I had someone here who says "You aren't going to a bar with your friends tonight because we are going to watch a movie together!" It would be SO easy to not go to the bar. If I had someone here who said "Let's read our Bible together." It would be so much easier to read my Bible. If I had someone here to go get the car when it's pouring at WalMart and I have $750239 worth of groceries in my hand  - well...it would be easier to get to the car. :) You get the idea.

I’m just saying I think it would be easier to make good choices if I had someone else here too. I hate being all alone. I have lots of great friends (way better then those stupid ones that always get me in trouble) but it's not like they can really HELP me be who I want to be. It's hard to trust God when I feel like I am ready and His time table isn't matching mine.

I went to Sunday School last week and the teacher said “When you cannot see God’s hand, trust His heart.” And then he looked DIRECTLY at me and repeated it. “When you cannot see God’s hand, trust his heart.” (Get it?!? Hand?!? Spank!? Anyone?? Anyone?)

I cannot see God’s literal physical hand. 

But I must learn to trust His heart.

And know that He is in charge. And that He is my HOH for now. And He will decide when is best to bring a human HOH into my life.

A Vampire HOH

I'm sure you've all at least heard of Twilight. You know - the classic vampire story, where he falls in love with a human and it's hard because he can't decide if he wants to suck her blood or make out with her.

It's all silliness right?! I mean WHO in the heck would wait in line for thirteen hours this past Wednesday and have specially made "Team Edward" t-shirts just to see the silly 12:01am release of Breaking Dawn?

**shyly raises hand**

Oh yeah, Me. I did that. I hate to admit that I am one of those girls - I mean, I am an adult after all. I can pay my bills and kill spiders and do all sorts of adult-like things. But for some reason when I am sitting in the theatre with my best friend I turn in to a squealing, giggling, uncivilized, thirteen-year-old girl and I can't help it.

And I am not the only one. There were hundreds of females from ages 5 to 75 in line, flocking to see Edward and why? Because they want a man who is in charge like him.

They SAY "I want a boy like Edward who is a vampire and who can read my mind and sparkle and be perfect in every way." (unrealistic expectations much??)

But what they MEAN is "I want a man who is in charge and in control like Edward. I want an HOH"

I think pop culture unknowingly encourages DD relationships - and it's funny to me. People hear of DD and think "what?! That's crazy!! I would NEVER want that in my relationship!" Yet they swoon at stories that have aspects of DD.

I want an HOH like Edward. But if he doesn’t run fast, sparkle, read my mind or want to suck my blood, I am okay with that.

What do you guys think? Do you see elements of DD in pop culture??