I told you about that play I was in?! Yeah well it sucked up my whole life! That and I have a huge senior project that all the seniors have to do that I am working on right now...I just want to graduate and be done with it! ugg!! I should be back to blogging more regularly now that the play is over!
Anyways the play was fantastic. I have always, always dreamed about having a lead role. I wanted the whole play to be just about me and then I got it! It was really amazing and it took a lot of time and energy but it was worth every second!
You think I could be satisfied with that right? You think I got everything I ever wanted and I should just be content? Yeah well I thought I would be. But give me an inch...
There is an acting award that two people out of the play get. It ALWAYS ALWAYS goes to the person who got the lead role. That's just how it works. That's the way it has always been. But we got a stupid new professor whom I absolutely loathe and no one told him how it works.
I wanted that award SO BAD. I was already planning what I was going to do when I got it! It would have been the topper to my senior year! It would have been so amazing! And I would have been able to go to a competition! I was soo so excited....
And then today we found out that two underclassman got the award.
This just happened a few hours ago so I'm still pretty upset.
I feel completely robbed of what was rightfully earned by me! It's totally unfair! I worked so freaking hard for that part and I worked so hard every single night in rehearsal and I don't even get the award?! It's totally unfair. I am a senior!! Those underclassman have so many more chances! It's totally unfair! This professor and I don't get along very well and I swear he picked these other two people because they are his favorites. I hate him so much!
I know I am a grown up but sometimes I still just really like to throw fits. I know it's horrible and I feel so stupid afterwards, but I still throw them. I try not to but when I had hoped for something so much I just can't handle the disappointment!! I try so hard to be mature but...but sometimes I just want to SCREAM!
The bad thing about throwing fits though is that I have to be the fit thrower AND the calmer downer.
I want to be able to kick and scream and say a whole bunch of completely irrational and unrealistic things. "THIS IS REALLY STUPID! THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR! I HATE EVERYTHING! I AM NEVER EVER EVER DOING ANYTHING IN THEATRE EVER AGAIN. GOD NEVER GIVES ME WHAT I WANT. I AM NEVER EVEN TALKING TO THAT STUPID PROFESSOR EVER AGAIN! I HATE EVERYONE!"
I want to say all that. And I want to throw something across the room. And I want to throw a few cuss words in there too. But I want someone else here to respond. I want someone to shake me and say "HEY! Get a hold of yourself. Is this really that important?! When you get to Heaven is God going to only let Irene Ryan nominees in?! When you interview for a job are they going to say 'Hey, have you ever been nominated for an Irene Ryan?'" And then I want him to say "If you don't knock it off, you are going to get a spanking!"
And of course I wouldn't knock it off because I am just so angry. I need to just scream and cry. I need to just let it all out. And I have no mode of getting all this energy out. It's like all this pent up anger and hurt and disappointment and nowhere to put it. It never gets emptied out.
I have to be my own reason and logic when I don't want to be. Of course I can say all the irrational things I want. But I also have to be the one to come back to myself and say the realistic things and talk myself out of it.
I did text my friend and pretty much say tons of ridiculous, rude unrealistic things. She is a lot older than I am (like by 30 years) and sometimes more like a mom than a friend and so she text back that she thought I was more mature than that.
Yeah well I'm not.
I won't ever get another chance for this. Ever. It's over. You can't get this acting award unless you are in college and I am graduating! And we don't have any more plays that I can be in this year. So it's done! It really sucks.
And I am still throwing a fit about it.
Awww, that sucks. Seriously! If it makes you feel better, I have been known to throw a tantrum. Yep, got spanked for it which ended it abruptly.
ReplyDeleteIt still felt good to throw it though :)
Once shortly after we began this lifestyle, I kicked my shoe across the room, almost hitting my hoh in the head. I had no idea I was kicking it that hard or that high!
(Is there an award for that? LOL)
You know what? I think what you did accomplish was amazing, and a result of very hard work. You made one of your own dreams come true! How cool is that? Now, shouldn't you be concentrating on that and not what you didn't get?
If you let that rotten man steal even a moment of your joy, then he wins. Don't let him win.
Hold your head high and be proud. Carry yourself with dignity and grace and good character. Do nothing you will regret later.
Maturity is overrated, and I'm not all that dedicated to it :) But character..that's a value that I cherish.
I hope just writing this made you feel better. A few years from now this truly won't matter as much to you, if at all. YOu have so many more great shining moments ahead.
Stormy! I really miss you! Over Christmas break I will take some time to go back through and read all the gazillion posts I am behind on on your blog!!
DeleteYes, you get the "HOH Head's Up//High Kicker!" AWARD :D
Thank you for your sweet compliments. I did work hard for this part and every moment of it was so amazing and I will remember it for the rest of my life! Writing this out did make me feel a bit better. Plus sleeping on it for a few nights. It still sucks but oh well. :)
Thank you for being so encouraging!! I miss talking to you!!! :)
Can we give you a Blogland Award? That is something none of those other people can give you and they can't have either! Stormy has written you a nice comment above. Life is not fair--at all. Some days that statement plays out (bad choice of words here!) more than others. Good for you for all your hard work. Hugs to you. I hope writing the post helped just get your thoughts out there. As Stormy says...hold your head high:)
ReplyDeleteYES!! You can give me a blogland award!! :D hehe!! Thats the best kind anyway! Thanks for the hugs!! This post did help me get some thoughts out - things always look a little better after some time passes too! :) Thanks SNP!
DeleteAwww JJ - That just plain sucks! That man is an A NUMBER ONE PETTY JERK! And now everyone at your school is going to know it. Stormy and SNP said it all.
ReplyDeleteBe proud of yourself, look that man in the eye and simply smile. You know who has the better morals and character. Sending lots of (((Hugs))) your way.
Blessings,
Cat
Cat THANK YOU!! HE IS! I love it when people can agree with me about how awful he is. This is not the first large disagreement we've had. He is so rude! :D Thanks for being on my side! I really appreciate it!
DeleteThanks for the hugs!!
JJ, probably the professor thought that these awards were meant as an encouragement for beginners.
ReplyDeleteYes someone should have told him.
But, just do as Stormy says and you will be fine.
Getting a HoH could work wonders at regaining that inner strength.
hehe good point Bas! :) Thank you for your encouragement!
DeleteI know right?! Where is this man to help me out!? I keep telling God that I know He has a good plan but...it would be awesome if His plans could include an HOH VERY SOON! :D
Sounds like Stormy had some great advice! Great Tantrum. I like to throw them every now and again to. Pretty sure Tim would not tolerate it though.
ReplyDeleteYes, sometimes tantrums they really are necessary, aren't they? I try to save them for big things. This was a big thing to me! Thanks for the comment! :)
DeleteThere's nothing wrong with throwing a good tantrum now and again. I'd say blogland is a great place to do that. You've already gotten great comments here. The whole thing sucks but it is true that in a year or two you'll look back and chuckle, realizing it wasn't quite as big as it feels right now. I do hope that your peers and those that saw the play gave you lots of compliments. It feels terribly humbling to not get an honor that you expected, but I believe in you JJ. You can somehow put this experience to good use.
ReplyDeleteGood to see you writing a bit again!
First of all.. I think anyone who gets up in front of a crowded room and bring attention to their words, deserves an award. I do good in small groups of friends, but hate to speak or act in front of strangers or large groups. I think it is wrong for the guy to change the rules, after the program. I guess he has a right as a professor to do what he wants, because I had some professors that did some outrageous stuff, just because they could. One wrote the "F" word as big as the chalkboard, before he ever spoke to the class. He was a psychology teacher and he needed to be on a psychotic ward, in my opinion. I'm sorry that you had to miss out, because of him. Believe me, the people who got the award, probably would rather been as close to graduation as you are, than get the award. Higher education can be fun, but it is definately stressful, and there is hardly any real down time. I'm proud of you for your accomplishments and your goals. I believe that you will get what you want in life, even without the award. You are a determined young woman. I see it in your writing. God Bless You and all you love, Belle L.
ReplyDeleteYou're back! Yay! Sorry that the not-fun stuff had to happen, and it's certainly okay to throw a tantrum now and then.
ReplyDeleteBut...SO glad you are back! I missed you.
Thanks!! I'm sorry I left even after this post!! ugg!! But I am back for sure now!! Thanks for your comment! :D
DeleteI don't know why I haven't found your blog before, I love love love it!!! ;D
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to getting to know you. Have a good night. (And it's okay to
get angry and throw a tantrum just let it all out! Just try to remember that
things happen for some reason even if that professor had other ideas!)
Take care,
Addy
Thank you so much Addy!!! That means a lot to me! :D hugs!!
Delete