Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Who's Your Daddy? The Electra Complex

I apologize in advance for this rambling post. I'm in a horrible funk lately and can't seem to pull myself out of it....

Here's what's in my stormy head... 

Most days I am an adult. I wake up and interact healthily with all those around me and I go to class and I pay the bills, I put on my big girl panties and even kill spiders when I have to. Life happens but I DEAL. I have a wonderful group of friends who surround me and love me and care about me. I come home and I pray for a man who will be a great husband to me.

But then there are other days. Days that I don't really wake up on the healthy side of life. Days that I barely get out of bed and interacting with others is a chore. I don't use my best judgement, I don't watch my words or my reactions and things just don't really turn out real well. My friends get busy and don't have time for me. I get bogged down with homework and applications for this dooming after-college life that is approaching much too quickly. And a sudden deep loneliness begins to rumble way down in my soul.

And I don't really want a husband on these nights. On these nights...I just want a daddy. I want a daddy to come home and hold me and tell me it will all be alright. A daddy to tell me I am lovely and I am worth pursuing and I am beautiful and I am his little girl that he will protect.

It's confusing to me because I don't know what's healthy. I don't know what's normal. I don't know what is okay for me. Do I want a husband or a dad? Is it unhealthy to expect a husband to fulfill dad-like roles? Is that all this is? Is that what I want in DD? If so does that make me the most horrible, awful, pathetic and psychotic person alive?

When talking about this dynamic with the few people who know about it, they have remarked things like "I wouldn't want my husband to be like my father."

And I agree. Sort of. I agree in that I don't want to be treated like a child.

I do not want to be treated as uneducated or less than, I do not want to be talked down to or belittled or humiliated. I want to be an adult with an opinion that is heard. I want to be respected. I want it to be acknowledged that there may be some matters in life that I do know more about than my husband and vice versa. I want to be treated as an adult fully capable of taking care of myself and making wise decisions.

And yet...I still want to be his little girl. 

I don't mind being seen as a bit fragile. A little girl in a big scary world who needs protecting and guidance at times. Who needs big arms to hold her close and maybe be just a bit...fatherly to her.

There are a select few men in my life who are wonderful, amazing, Christian men who care about me in a fatherly way. They inspire me in school and they truly want what is best for me.

But sometimes I get confused. I love spending time with them. I love talking to them about life and I love getting their opinion and I love buying them gifts and then I start to I like them? Surely not. I mean I don't want to have sex with them. That's super gross. But I do get jealous when they talk to anyone else. I do look forward to seeing them all day. I do go completely out of my way for them and re-arrange life just so I can spend more time with each of them.

I get so confused. Do I like him or do I like like him? Do I just like how fatherly he is? Is that normal? Is there any other girl in the whole world who feels this way?

Sometimes...when I dream about my life in the future, I think about DD and I mostly just think about the "afterwards." The cuddling and the sweet talk and him rubbing my back and making me feel better. The afterwards is the best part.

I think I mostly want DD for the afterwards. I want to be able to just cry and be held for a long time and cuddled. That sounds like Heaven. I wonder what that feels like for a man to just be so gentle and sweet? There's a memory somewhere in my brain from a long time ago of sitting on my stepdads lap and him rubbing my back - it's the best memory I have of him ever. Or any man ever for that matter.

Some nights, like tonight, I'm just a little girl. Lonely. Longing for a man, any man, to just be a father. I have a big hair bow in my hair, a stuffed animal in my hand and I lay down on my Disney Princess comforter and I just cry. Tonight, I don't want sex and I don't want spanking and I don't want to talk. Tonight, I just want to be held and cuddled by a man who could pretend to be my father.

Oh if only Freud had met me!


  1. Awww JJ - Send Freud away...there's nothing wrong with want an HoH who will hold you in his arms and tell you everything will be alright, that you are loved, desirable, lovely, and he will protect you.

    June wrote an excellent post regarding be Daddy's girl but being a strong woman.( We all want someone that is going to love, desire, protect and make us feel valued and valuable...if you need a Freud then so the rest of us...oops...I'm a looney change that to the rest of our blog land family. ;)

    Breathe, relax...the man for you will appear when the time is right...I know...waiting gets old but...patience, grasshopper.


  2. JJ, I completely agree with Cat. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
    Being protected and feeling safe is the best thing that comes with a relationship.
    Sex is nice, but that's just a few moments in time. Enjoying each others company, feeling togetherness is much more important.
    And Yes, most HoH's are Daddies. But they do not just love and protect their children. They love and protect their family, their wives first!
    All wives enjoy the company of daddy, as do all husbands enjoy the company of mommy.

  3. JJ,
    When a woman hasn't had a healthy, loving relationship with her birth father there's all sorts of reasons why you'd long for the nurturing dad, the protector and the love that you didn't fully receive there. There is nothing wrong with you.

    The right man fills that nurturing, protective role in a very different way than a father does, but there are similarities. You are going to need a husband who is strong in both nurture and accountability. There's nothing wrong with that sweetie! It's who you are.

    Big hugs!

  4. There is nothing wrong with you! You've got some great comments here already. You have a lot to offer and you know what you want. Just keep being the Best YOU that you can be so you can be healthy and ready when you meet that right guy. Hang in there. Nothing wrong being protected. As Bas is just a moment in time. It is the friendship outside the bedroom that makes the bedroom rock even more. God has a plan. Hugs to you! Eat some ice cream today or do something special for yourself. Hugs.

  5. Oh JJ! Nothing wrong with you at all dearie. Our friends above have really already said it best, so I will just reiterate that your needs and desires are completely normal and when you find that man that can give you ALL that you are looking for (the love/comfort AND passion, the protection AND the attraction) I bet you won't feel confused AT ALL:) hugs!