Sunday, February 3, 2013

Lets Get Physical: Guilt and Spankings

I think my brain is different than most people's. Or maybe I just have some crazy disease that no one else has ever heard of!

I am the only person I know who has PHYSICAL things happen when they feel something passionately. Most normal people have physical things happen when they are excited sexually but that's not what I'm talking about here. 

Sometimes when I get really excited about something, I think about it so much that I get a throbbing headache and I have to force myself to calm down.

When I get very, very sad I have pains in my chest. It is not simply my imagination. They are real, painful and very scary chest pains.

I have been to the emergency room and several doctors for it on many different occasions because I have often been afraid I was having a heart attack or something. They ran multiple tests and absolutely nothing is wrong with my heart or my lungs.

I had one doctor tell me it was just a panic attack. But I don't have heavy breathing or panicky feelings or anything like that when it happens so I have trouble believing it's a panic attack. I am simply very sad about something.

Who knows? The point is that I am a PHYSICAL person and I think about thing in PHYSICAL terms and I respond to things better that are PHYSICALLY in front of me.

I think DD greatly appeals to the physical part of me. 

There is something to be said for the physical absolution of it. I am not very good at simply "moving on" from things or just "letting it go." (And saying "not very good at" is an understatement. I completely and utterly suck at it.)

When I get in a fight with one of my friends, after it is over I always want to buy them something or make them something special. It's not good enough for me to say "I'm sorry." I feel like I have to physically show them. I know it's not expected, but I don't ever really feel like it's all over until I do something physical to show it.

My professor was talking about guilt the other day and suddenly it all made sense to me.

I feel guilty. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough for me because I still feel rotten inside. I need something physical.

This past weekend I was visiting home and I told my mom about some shoes I reeeeeeeally wanted. She said she could get them for me as a late Christmas present! YAY! I was so excited and looked forward to it all weekend.

Right before we left for the mall my mom said something that frustrated me and I started a long argument with her. When we got in the car to go get the shoes I didn't even want them. I mean I wanted them but I felt so bad inside that I didn't really want them anymore. I told her not to get them for me and that I was sorry I started the argument. She said it was no big deal and she got me the shoes anyways but I just felt so....guilty.

I couldn't understand why I felt that way and I just chalked it up to being some sort of self-sabotaging behavior. I just wanted something physical so I could "feel" more forgiven.

The physicalness of DD is so awesome to me because I can just see how it works. It's a physical thing - a way to tell my brain that it's over, to let it go, to stop thinking about it, to stop saying sorry and to stop feeling guilty.

Love to hear your thoughts as always!
I wish I could PHYSICALLY give you all a hug! :)


  1. Thanks for the hug JJ - wish I could give you one also. Some people are just more physical than others and it really looks as if you fall in to that category...absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    I understand you having trouble enjoying the shoes right now. Speaking as a mom, create a special card for your mom - doesn't matter what it of her favorite poems, a thank you for being your mom, anything you know she will enjoy and snail mail it to her. That will really touch her heart and give you a way to physically apologize.

    Hugs and Blessings,

    1. PS. June has written about being very physical, you might want to reach out to her if you still have questions...I know she could help.

    2. Thanks Cat! Thanks for the idea - I'll see what I can do :)
      And okay good idea - I'll search for her blog!

  2. A lot of this makes sense to me too JJ. It's like the period at the end of the sentence...physically resolving the issue with a spanking helps me to let go of it, and truly put it behind us.

    1. Thanks!! I'm so glad I make sense to you guys!!! :D

  3. I might know a thing or two about being very physical, just maybe. ;) I like Cat's idea about making a card for your mom too. And I agree with Tess too..."physically resolving the issue with a spanking helps me to let go of it and truly put it behind us."

    1. hehe!! :) Glad you could relate!

  4. I never knew how physical I was JJ...not till I met my husband. I think it's good that you realize this about yourself now, especially when anxiety hits and you wonder what is going on with your body.

    I like Cat's idea too.

    1. Thanks Susie! I definitely still have many more things to learn about myself I'm sure! This blog has helped a lot in that! :)