Have you ever taken a nap? Like a really SOLID, LONG nap and when you wake up for just a split second you have no idea what day it is or where you are or what time it is?? It's like sheer panic for one moment because you basically forgot what your name is.
That keeps happening to me! And when I wake up, I panic and then I start to laugh because I CANNOT BELIEVE I MOVED!! WHAT?! Like who does that?! I don't know anybody here! It's crazy!!!! When I look around my room with no furniture (I did manage to get a bed finally!) and I think about how many miles I am from home I just can't fathom it!
Things are good here. I do miss friends but I am happy to be some place new. I did get a job but it's not a job that will pay rent so I'm still actively seeking a new one. Life is very different being an adult. It's an odd thing working 40 hours a week. How do you guys do it!? I thought when I got out of college I would have so much time to just write and read long novels and do 1200 piece puzzles but I don't! I wake up ridiculously early, go to work, and when I come home I take a shower, make dinner and then I lay on my bed exhausted!! I am always so worn out! I want to go work out or go grocery shopping but I'm so dead! Work is gross. I don't like it. Being an adult is hard. haha
Anyways, on to DD life. I've been thinking about it a little bit (<--- Understatement of the year) and I woke up with a profound thought a few days ago.
I don't want to be spanked. I want to be loved. And, to put it very plainly, I simply cannot think of any greater way to be loved.
I don't necessarily look forward to the spanking part. I mean sometimes I do but a lot of the time, it just kinda makes my stomach churn and makes me want to hide under the covers.
Yet, I cannot fathom anything stronger or more emotional or loving than the DD lifestyle. I want it even more than I want to have sex. I want it even more than I want money or a better job or a car that works or furniture in my apartment.
I know this lifestyle isn't something that's always fun or peachy keen. Sometimes when I think about it, I ask myself if I'm sure. Like am I sure that I'm sure that I'm sure that I want this. Sometimes I think when I get married, I am going to wait a few years before I tell him. Just because I don't want to regret it... :)
But I know myself better than that. I know that my desire for a life like this is so strong and so much a part of who I am and I know it will never change.
I don't want to say I need it because that sounds odd to me. I think I "need" it like I "need" chocolate. Like if I were on a desert island and I didn't have chocolate, of course I would LIVE. If I had food and water and human interaction I would LIVE and be okay. But I would never be completely content, completely satisfied without chocolate. I, of course, know I could live without spanking. I know I could be in love, be happy, be emotionally connected, all that stuff. But I also feel like I need it to be completely sated. **sigh** It's complicated.
I know that I will tell him. And I even know that I'll regret it. But what's more than that, I know I will be thankful for every single swat. The whole thing is a paradox really but it makes sense to me even when it doesn't.
Those are my mixed up thoughts to share with you! I love you all and miss you lots!!!