Sunday, August 25, 2013

I Don't Want to Be Spanked

Have you ever taken a nap? Like a really SOLID, LONG nap and when you wake up for just a split second you have no idea what day it is or where you are or what time it is?? It's like sheer panic for one moment because you basically forgot what your name is.

That keeps happening to me! And when I wake up, I panic and then I start to laugh because I CANNOT BELIEVE I MOVED!! WHAT?! Like who does that?! I don't know anybody here! It's crazy!!!! When I look around my room with no furniture (I did manage to get a bed finally!) and I think about how many miles I am from home I just can't fathom it!

Things are good here. I do miss friends but I am happy to be some place new. I did get a job but it's not a job that will pay rent so I'm still actively seeking a new one. Life is very different being an adult. It's an odd thing working 40 hours a week. How do you guys do it!? I thought when I got out of college I would have so much time to just write and read long novels and do 1200 piece puzzles but I don't! I wake up ridiculously early, go to work, and when I come home I take a shower, make dinner and then I lay on my bed exhausted!! I am always so worn out! I want to go work out or go grocery shopping but I'm so dead! Work is gross. I don't like it. Being an adult is hard. haha

Anyways, on to DD life. I've been thinking about it a little bit (<--- Understatement of the year) and I woke up with a profound thought a few days ago.

I don't want to be spanked. I want to be loved. And, to put it very plainly, I simply cannot think of any greater way to be loved.

I don't necessarily look forward to the spanking part. I mean sometimes I do but a lot of the time, it just kinda makes my stomach churn and makes me want to hide under the covers. 

Yet, I cannot fathom anything stronger or more emotional or loving than the DD lifestyle. I want it even more than I want to have sex. I want it even more than I want money or a better job or a car that works or furniture in my apartment.

I know this lifestyle isn't something that's always fun or peachy keen. Sometimes when I think about it, I ask myself if I'm sure. Like am I sure that I'm sure that I'm sure that I want this. Sometimes I think when I get married, I am going to wait a few years before I tell him. Just because I don't want to regret it... :)

But I know myself better than that. I know that my desire for a life like this is so strong and so much a part of who I am and I know it will never change.

I don't want to say I need it because that sounds odd to me. I think I "need" it like I "need" chocolate. Like if I were on a desert island and I didn't have chocolate, of course I would LIVE. If I had food and water and human interaction I would LIVE and be okay. But I would never be completely content, completely satisfied without chocolate. I, of course, know I could live without spanking. I know I could be in love, be happy, be emotionally connected, all that stuff. But I also feel like I need it to be completely sated. **sigh** It's complicated. 

I know that I will tell him. And I even know that I'll regret it. But what's more than that, I know I will be thankful for every single swat. The whole thing is a paradox really but it makes sense to me even when it doesn't.

Those are my mixed up thoughts to share with you! I love you all and miss you lots!!!

Still waiting,


  1. I understand completely, and that is the perfect analogy. Of course we won't die without it... but life will surely not be what it could have been with it...

    Some great thinking you've been doing there.

    Keep up the hard work, I'm sure you will find what you are looking for. Have you found a church?

    1. hehe well I MIGHT die without it...I mean really! :D Thanks Pooky!! I've visited a few churches but I haven't found one I like yet - I'm visiting with a girl from work this Sunday so I hope I like it! :)

  2. Yes you are so right...want, or need. We all have these mixed up thoughts in regards to TTWD/DD. Everything WILL work out. Continue having fun and finding your niche in life. Enjoy this period of time. There will be so much you learn about yourself now.
    Each experience builds on the one before and leads you in a direction.

    1. Hi Minelle! Thanks for the comment!! And thanks for the encouragement!! :D

  3. Congrats on the move and everything you have going on right now! I've been missing your thoughts...mixed-up or otherwise:) This phase is like a new adventure...exciting, scary, exhausting...come to think of it, most everything in life is kind of mixed-up like that!

    1. Thanks Tess! Aww you are so sweet!!! Yes it is a new adventure - a CRAZY one!! :D

  4. moved?! I'm so sorry JJ, I need to go back and catch up. Some days I don't have time to read and then I miss stuff. Sorry about the work thing...yeah...welcome to adulthood. It's a whole new kind of busy but the good news is that you won't always have a job like this. You will move towards doing something that brings lots of contentment, even if you are tired at the end of the day

    You are right on about the spanking. For so many of us it is all about being loved, cherished and protected. The physical part of it is just one piece of the puzzle.

    1. Hi Susie!! Yes I moved! Haha don't worry - you are only one post behind really!! I haven't been posting much lately! :) I hope I can get another job SOON!! The one I have is AWFUL! But some money is better than no money at all...

      I'm glad you understand how I feel! Miss you!

  5. Your thoughts are interesting. :)

    As I put it "its the way we have chosen to live and chosen to love". I could definitely live without it, but we would not be who we are, who we have become, with it. So we press on, even on the hard days, even on days I hate it. I do feel safe, protected, secure, cherished, and guided. And those are all good things!

    Good for you, figuring out all of this ahead of time, which will help you make important choices in your life.