Welcome! Allow me to introduce myself
The first thing you should know is, in the words of Stormy, I don't really fit in here. At all. First and foremost, I should start out by saying I am not in a DD marriage. Or any marriage for that matter. I am a college student in my early twenties and I am still waiting for "the one". And it feels like he is taking FOR-EV-ER to show up!
For as long as I can remember I’ve always had dreams about my future husband spanking me and not just sexual spankings, but I mean actual punishment-you-will-never-do-this-again spankings. (I know I know - I am crazy!) I am a psychology major and so I often try to figure out why people think the the things they do. And I suppose I understand why I feel this way.
My father was never in charge of the house when I was growing up and things didn’t go very well. My parents got divorced when I was eight and since then I lived with my mom and never had any more contact with my father until I was eighteen. My mom was the complete opposite of "firm" or "in charge" with me. She almost always let me do whatever I wanted even at ages where I should never have been allowed to make the decisions I did.
Because of this unhealthy set up, I suffered a lot of hurt and heartache and regrets. I’ve always wanted someone to make the decisions, to lead me. There were so many times I would push and push trying to get my mother to say "no" or tell me to stop. During high school and into my college years I have always been drawn to dominant people; I always greatly admire my teachers, bosses, or mentors who are in charge and have boundaries drawn. The bottom line is that a life - any life, with DD or not - needs boundaries to feel safe. And I want to feel safe. And I just know he’s out there somewhere – some wonderful Christian man just waiting to be appointed HOH of me and our household.
I was spanked as a child by both of my parents and I never enjoyed it. I was never never spanked out of love. I was never spanked because my parents lovingly tried to teach me to make better choices. It was always just a spur of the moment thing when I pushed them too far and they reached out in anger because they were so frustrated they didn’t know what else to do, and they used spanking as a tool for them to get their frustrations out.
A few years ago I was messing around on Google trying to figure out if anyone else in the whole world could possible understand me or feel the way I feel. I stumbled across Finding Sara's blog and I read the whole thing. I then began researching Domestic Discipline everywhere and I found some things I agree with and some things I don't like at all and I spent awhile trying to sort it all out.
Since then, I have been here. Just a lurker. It's funny because I feel like I know so many of you guys but you don't know me! I have been here and laughed at Finding Sara's playful banter and how Grant says the "F" word ("Forbid!"); and I have cringed when Rogue and Jared went through their rough times and then rejoiced when all was well again. I have felt sorry for Kay not getting to have her sweet wine, and I have been here silently watching as Stormy wondered if she should tell Ogre about her blog and then waited almost painfully for his response. I am silent because I feel like I have no place to speak. Who am I to give advice or say "I know how that feels" when I don't? I don't know because I'm not there. It's hard wanting something that's almost ahead of your time - like a thirteen-year-old desperately wanting to drive and just knowing they aren't going to be able to be there yet.
Dominance is the absolute number two quality that I’m looking for in a man (Christian is number one). I want a man who will insist the family goes to church on Sunday and who won’t let me text and drive. I want a man who will help me budget and teach me how to be more responsible with my money.
I feel as though this is too much to ask at times. When listing qualities for their future hubby, my friends list things like: big muscles, good sense of humor, likes the same kind of music, etc. Yeah those things would be nice but I just want an HOH who loves me deeply and whom I can love and respect in return.
About a year and a half ago I stumbled upon blog with a post that sums up precisely how I feel. I went back to try and find it now but I can't! (was it FindingSara's??) It told a story about a young girl who had been in a bad relationship and then said “I want a man to be the head of the house but I want to at least fight him for it.” That's so perfect. That's exactly what I want.
And I feel like I’ve been waiting a long time. I’m getting older people! My body has already made all the eggs it’s going to make! I’m ready! I’m ready to be a wife and a mom! So HURRY UP MR. HOH-knight-in-shining-armor-with-a-paddle-in-hand!