Have you ever seen the movie "Parenthood" with Steve Martin? If you have not YOU NEED TO SEE IT! It is THE BEST presentation about marriages, parenting, children and life! It is so honest and raw and it really has a lot to say if you pay attention. It really is a must see for any person who has kids, wants kids, works with kids, or knows kids. I am not kidding - all of you go watch it RIGHT NOW! It is SUCH A GREAT MOVIE!
We are required to watch it and write about it for one of my marriage and family classes in college and I just love it. Go see it and tell me what you think! (*Side note: It may not be something you would want your children to see depending on how young they are.)
So now that I've convinced you to go see it - I wanted to ask a little discussion question. You don't have to have seen the movie to answer! I want anyone's opinion regardless of where you stand in life at the moment, whether you have kids or not.
The movie is made up of about four or five marriages (or lack thereof) and how they work or don't work. One of the major sturggles I see in marriages all around me and portrayed in this movie is the idea that one of the parent's relationship with their children interferes with the marriage relationship. One parent will spend the majority of their time, money, and energy with the kids; making over-protective parents who cling to their kids more than anything, or who are trying to work with their kids to create some sort of prodigy.
I try to be careful about saying what I do because of privacy but all through college I have worked at a government agency with foster kids. I love each and every one of them dearly and I would take them all home in a heartbeat. Their stories are devastating and they make me bawl! "Mommy wanted to be with daddy even though he was sexually abusing me." and "Mommy wanted to be with her boyfriend because he has drugs for her and I don't." This is obviously representative of the other side of the spectrum. Children whose parents do not have a regard at all for their well-being and chose their other relationships over that of their children.
Awhile back on Stormy's blog, she posted in response to a question I had asked:
"The kids aren't all that curious when we go out [to the shed], because they are used to us just wanting to spend time together. They are used to us going on short walks together (we both love being outside) . We are teaching them that moms and dads like to be together, we are friends, we want to be alone sometimes. Each night we have a time together, sitting and talking about the day, and they are not allowed to interrupt us unless somebody is bleeding..or killing a sibling. I think its really important for children to know that couplehood is first, parenthood is second. Our relationship makes or breaks the family unit."
That answer just totally blew me away because I had never heard anyone say that before! Most people (in my unhealthy family circle) will admit that their kids are more important because they are "only in the house a little while before they are all grown up" or they will just say basically the kids are on their own and they don't care.
So what do you guys think? Is marriage first? If so, how do you make that clear to your children? Of course there are times when you have to put your children first (when they broke their arm and you need to take them to the hospital instead of making dinner for your dear HOH, etc.) So I guess my main question is how do you find that balance? Is this a discussion you and your husband have ever had to have? How does this influence DD?
You don't have to answer all of these questions but I would love to read all of your in-depth, rambling opinions!! :)
P.S. Go watch the movie! I beg of you!!
The movie is made up of about four or five marriages (or lack thereof) and how they work or don't work. One of the major sturggles I see in marriages all around me and portrayed in this movie is the idea that one of the parent's relationship with their children interferes with the marriage relationship. One parent will spend the majority of their time, money, and energy with the kids; making over-protective parents who cling to their kids more than anything, or who are trying to work with their kids to create some sort of prodigy.
I try to be careful about saying what I do because of privacy but all through college I have worked at a government agency with foster kids. I love each and every one of them dearly and I would take them all home in a heartbeat. Their stories are devastating and they make me bawl! "Mommy wanted to be with daddy even though he was sexually abusing me." and "Mommy wanted to be with her boyfriend because he has drugs for her and I don't." This is obviously representative of the other side of the spectrum. Children whose parents do not have a regard at all for their well-being and chose their other relationships over that of their children.
Awhile back on Stormy's blog, she posted in response to a question I had asked:
"The kids aren't all that curious when we go out [to the shed], because they are used to us just wanting to spend time together. They are used to us going on short walks together (we both love being outside) . We are teaching them that moms and dads like to be together, we are friends, we want to be alone sometimes. Each night we have a time together, sitting and talking about the day, and they are not allowed to interrupt us unless somebody is bleeding..or killing a sibling. I think its really important for children to know that couplehood is first, parenthood is second. Our relationship makes or breaks the family unit."
That answer just totally blew me away because I had never heard anyone say that before! Most people (in my unhealthy family circle) will admit that their kids are more important because they are "only in the house a little while before they are all grown up" or they will just say basically the kids are on their own and they don't care.
So what do you guys think? Is marriage first? If so, how do you make that clear to your children? Of course there are times when you have to put your children first (when they broke their arm and you need to take them to the hospital instead of making dinner for your dear HOH, etc.) So I guess my main question is how do you find that balance? Is this a discussion you and your husband have ever had to have? How does this influence DD?
You don't have to answer all of these questions but I would love to read all of your in-depth, rambling opinions!! :)
P.S. Go watch the movie! I beg of you!!
It's a good question JJ and a difficult one to answer. Michael and I do often put family time ahead of couple time. That's not to say that we don't go for walks, or escape to our bedroom or whatever, just the two of us. But, it is true that kids are only kids for a short time. I think it's about balance and I don't pretend that we have it down perfectly. But, we do try to balance our needs and desires with our children's needs and desires. With Michael gone so much there's only so much time he has for any and all of us and sometimes it can be hard to juggle that. I do also take time for myself. In fact, yesterday I played hooky. I met up with friends for girl's day out and left the kids at home (our kids are old enough to leave them home alone together). I would say, it's all about balance, not necessarily about who/what comes first. ;)
ReplyDeleteI agree it is about balance! Thank you for sharing!! :)
DeleteIn our family, we put the marriage first, but that doesn't mean we neglect the kids. I'd like to write a post on my blog to answer this question if you don't mind.
ReplyDeleteYes definitely! I can't wait to read it!! :)
DeleteOh difficult to answer. I find myself arguing with my answers! Part of me wants to say that when kids come along, your needs are put aside. It's not about you/us anymore, it's about THEM. And to a huge extent that's true. But, in doing so your relationship can suffer. I would therefore have to say that yes, it's all about balance, which is tricky. But being totally honest, when I had my kids, everything else, while still important and needing nurtured, came secondary.
ReplyDeleteDee x
Haha I argue with myself all the time :) I agree to an extent about when kids come along your needs being put aside - that is certainly true for parents and especially for mothers who give up sleep, time, energy, and personal space to nurture their newborn babies. I think I would say that I just see some parents really putting kids first always even when they are not newborns anymore. I see parents giving up their own needs for kids who are sixteen and 100% capable of taking care of themselves. Parents always want to be caring but I agree that it is about balance and trying to learn when to help them and when it would help them more for them to do it themselves :) Thanks for your answers!! :)
DeleteYes totally agree with that point JJ. From my experience I had 3 children in quick succession so I felt like my life was kinda put on hold, particularly up until about age 3-ish. When nursery and school age hits, you start to feel like you get that bit of yourself back again. I'm not saying that's true for everyone, but in my case, with 3 small kids and everything that that entails, alongside working etc, well I fully admit to not really having lots of energy or inclination to set the bed on fire after a long day lol! I'd like to say I was superwoman but unfortunately, in most cases I would think, that's not 'real' real life, although I have to envy those who say different. Great post for debate JJ :)
DeleteGreat post JJ! And very timely, as we are getting ready for an adults-only getaway this very weekend:) For us, it's about balance, like Grace and Dee mentioned above. I really don't see it as putting us before them, or vice versa, more like making sure our relationship doesn't get lost in the shuffle now that we have kids. Too many couples let that happen. The husband-wife relationship deserves to be nurtured just as parent-child relationships need to be. Our children get so much of our time, energy and focus, but we absolutely carve out time just for us as well. I NEED to have him all to myself sometimes and I know he feels the same way. Maintaining a strong relationship ensures our happiness, and when we are happy, our kids see and feel that and are happy too. An added benefit is the special relationship our kids are developing with their grandparents, which is where they stay on date nights or when we go out of town. It's a win-win for everybody:)
ReplyDeleteI really like it that you put it that way - about just making sure your relationship doesn't get lost in the shuffle when kids come along. I agree - I think it is about what's doing best for the kids and sometimes that may mean putting the marriage relationship first because without a solid marriage relationship - the kids won't have unified parents to lean on! :)
DeleteHave fun on your getaway!! :D
Hmm, such a difficult question.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the problem is that I’ve never had any desire to have children. So while I understand the concept of putting children first, it’s not something I have ever had to face, and is not something I could ever see myself facing.
It’s just not for me.
What I have noticed, though, is that happier families are those where the relationship part is still going strong. I see marriages where EVERYTHING is about the children, and ultimately there’s nothing left of the actual marriage.
Worse, the children grow up with a ridiculous idea of relationships. I know I would have benefited from seeing (well, not actually seeing!) more “Mum and Dad” moments growing up. Not everything should be about the kids.
I find it sort of sad that women spend years searching for their perfect husband, only to forget he exists the moment their child is born.
I should say I don’t mean *all* women there!
DeleteJust that balance is definitely needed. I honestly would have loved to see my parents be more affectionate with each other. I remember reaching a certain age and being shocked that married couples could still have a physical relationship after having kids! I grew up thinking a woman’s life was over the second her first child was born!
YES!! That's definitely what I see too - there are many couples I know where the whole relationship is really about the kids and then the kids move out and the parents get divorced because they don't even know each other anymore! They spent 18 years caring about the same kids but not each other. I think it is important for the kids to know that parents need time alone and that they whole world doesn't revolve around them - while still making them feel loved and cared for and all their needs being met, etc. Thanks for your opinion! :D
DeleteI can't answer your questions as my man Jack and I don't have kids...but I just wanted to leave a comment to let you know I stumbled across your blog the other day and will be a regular reader. I enjoy your writing, keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteMolly Rose
Hi Molly Rose! Thank you so much for stopping by! I appreciate it!! :D
DeleteWe have four kids...and marriage HAS to be first. The times that we haven't made it our priority...everyone suffers...it doesn't help the kids for mom and dad not to be connected and to take care of eachother. you want to teach your kids that when they get married, no one matters as much as their soulmate. :)
ReplyDelete