(Side note: I wanted to name this blog post "DD, Distancing, Death, the 4 D's and Damn that's a lot of D's" but I felt that wasn't really setting the mood I wanted to for this post...but I thought I'd share anyways just to lighten it up :) )
After reading Sara's Blog, I began to reflect more on my biggest fear concerning DD relationships and my future.
I suppose, from what I've observed, DD's biggest help is also it's biggest "flaw" - if you can call it that. In a DD relationship you become dependent on each other. (Well no duh! It's a marriage, you are going to be dependent on each other anyways.) But DD is different. It opens the heart to even deeper trust and dependence beyond what a regular relationship does.
I was thinking about it the other day - what if something DID happen to someone's spouse? God forbid it, seriously, I would certainly pray that none of us ever have to suffer that! But we are in this crazy thing called life and awful, terrible things do happen all the time to good people. So what would one do? After years of training and practice from DD to not do things on your own, to not put up walls, to not be independent and then BAM you are forced into a place where you HAVE to do all those things? I know myself and I know I would never recover.
Putting up walls, or being "Tough Girl" (Copyright Stormy - minus the obstinate part) is our human mind's way of trying to survive. It's a survival technique that single parents and single women have to learn in order to get by. They tell themselves they don't need someone else in order to get things done in life. So what is one to do when learning over and over to not do those things and then what if one was put in a situation where they must? It scares me to even think about it. I mean I still cry over broken friendships with people I wasn't even that close to!
And PLEASE take everything I say with a grain of salt because I realize I have no idea what I'm talking about since I am speaking from an unmarried, never-been-in-a-dd-relationship opinion. I know things look different from the outside looking in.
But I suppose, as it stands right now, I just want a DD relationship to be for me and my husband to get along better. I see young women ALL THE TIME who scream at their husbands, belittle them, nag them, and I just don't want that to be me. I don't want a marriage where people look at us and whisper "Sheesh! I'd hate to have to be stuck with her!" I want DD in place to keep my attitude in check, to keep us talking nice to each other, because I know how easily I take over control in all my relationships and I don't want that for my marriage.
But as far as this "distancing" thing goes - well, I just don't know how much I want that to be a punishable offense in my marriage. Distancing is like a really big thing around here - it truly is the 5th "D" (Another copyright by Stormy) in the D's of Domestic Discipline. It's an issue I've read about on blog after blog so obviously it's a big deal.
And don't get me wrong, I understand how distancing is a problem in a marriage, and I can see how it can get in the way of being close to each other, but I guess I don't want to be in a place where I could not survive without my HOH because in all seriousness - things do happen and I wouldn't want to stop living life at age 30 because something happened to my perfect husband. Does anyone know what I mean?
I don't know. After re-reading this, I guess maybe that defeats the whole purpose of DD? I am not saying I don't want to "need" him or be dependent on him. I already know I need a husband and I already know I will be dependent on him, but I guess I'm just saying I want to know how to mow the lawn and pay the bills just in case, ya know? Is that wrong?
I'm sorry if this post was depressing or disrupting to anyone - I really didn't mean it that way at all. It was just some thoughts/concerns/fears I had lately and I wanted to share.
What are your thoughts? Am I completely missing the point?
Well, I suppose that it is true that the closer you are to someone, the more you are going to hurt if you lose them but I decided when I got married that it was worth it. What's the old saying, "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." M and I think more of DD as interdependence than me being dependent on him. I can still change my tire and do all the things that I could when I was single and I won't ever forget. But, for now I don't have to do those things and together we choose to emotionally and physically depend on one another. It's very satisfying. I absolutely hear what you are saying JJ...M is 8 years older than me and I think about that often.
ReplyDeleteDD for us doesn't mean that I'm not capable of handling tasks without my husband. I know how to pay the bills, mow the lawn, plow the snow, etc. To me, the dependence is more on an emotional level. He helps to keep me on a even keel. He does step in and make decisions sometimes when I'm having a hard time, but if I had to make them on my own I could do so. He has set some rules in place, but they're mostly things that I want to work on anyway, and this is his way of helping me.
ReplyDeleteI hate to think of anything happening to my husband. I would be emotionally distraught, to put it mildly. However, I'm not a helpless woman now and I wouldn't be then. I would need to step up and I would do so. Would it be hard? Of course! But, I would be capable of doing it.
Your question is fair one to ask. But I think that maybe your assumption of a wife in a DD relationship is unfair. We are no less capapble of doing for ourselves as any other woman. Yet because we choose to let our husbands have the final say and the option to discipline us when rules have been broken, some think that we are not capable of being alone or without our husband. Our husbands consider us their equals, they listen to our opinions and expect us to be an adult in an adult relationship. So yes, it might be more difficult for a dd woman to lose her spouse but only because we are probably more emotionally attached then others. But all of this is based on generalities
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine losing my husband. He is my best friend, my soul mate and my lover. He is the person I plan my life with. And I am very sure that you will find someone like that too. It is nice to see someone, young like yourself, interested in a committed marriage full of love.
I enjoy your blog and look forward to reading more. I hope you don't mimd if I use your question as a topic for one of my posts one day.
Thank you all three for your input! It really helps me see things in a new light! I think when I wrote this post I was a little out of sorts myself and I just get nervous about silly things in my life that haven't even happened yet!
ReplyDeleteSusie - yes I agree you can't just not love someone because it would hurt when they were gone :) You are very lucky to have him! And I love the term "interdependence " That's a perfect way to describe it. I will have to use that more!
Grace - Thanks for your comment - I do understand what you are saying! It's good to be reminded that I will still be ABLE to do all the same things I do now I just won't have to :)
Blondie - Yes I agree. I think when I wrote this I was more concerned about being so torn up emotionally and not being able to go on with life after if something did happen - but that's so silly to worry about now! I will be able to take that when it comes.
And sure you can use my question. I like your blog a lot too! :)
Well, I wouldn't assume that you won't have to do any of those things. For instance, if it was snowing here today instead of raining, guess who would be cleaning the snow off the driveway? That would be me. He's at work, I'm home. And while he does pay the bills, if he called today and said "hey sweetie, I forgot to pay such & such, would you please take care of that?" Then of course I'd take care of it. You and your future husband will divvy up tasks I'm sure, according to whatever works for the two of you and your life circumstances at the time. Try not to make assumptions as to how all of that will play out. ;)
ReplyDeleteYes I agree Grace :) I think I was a getting a little carried away and worrying about things that really don't matter since I'm not even married yet! hehe :) Thanks for your helpful input! I appreciate all the views from the "inside"!
ReplyDelete