Lets Get Physical: Guilt and Spankings

I think my brain is different than most people's. Or maybe I just have some crazy disease that no one else has ever heard of!

I am the only person I know who has PHYSICAL things happen when they feel something passionately. Most normal people have physical things happen when they are excited sexually but that's not what I'm talking about here. 

Sometimes when I get really excited about something, I think about it so much that I get a throbbing headache and I have to force myself to calm down.

When I get very, very sad I have pains in my chest. It is not simply my imagination. They are real, painful and very scary chest pains.

I have been to the emergency room and several doctors for it on many different occasions because I have often been afraid I was having a heart attack or something. They ran multiple tests and absolutely nothing is wrong with my heart or my lungs.

I had one doctor tell me it was just a panic attack. But I don't have heavy breathing or panicky feelings or anything like that when it happens so I have trouble believing it's a panic attack. I am simply very sad about something.

Who knows? The point is that I am a PHYSICAL person and I think about thing in PHYSICAL terms and I respond to things better that are PHYSICALLY in front of me.

I think DD greatly appeals to the physical part of me. 

There is something to be said for the physical absolution of it. I am not very good at simply "moving on" from things or just "letting it go." (And saying "not very good at" is an understatement. I completely and utterly suck at it.)

When I get in a fight with one of my friends, after it is over I always want to buy them something or make them something special. It's not good enough for me to say "I'm sorry." I feel like I have to physically show them. I know it's not expected, but I don't ever really feel like it's all over until I do something physical to show it.

My professor was talking about guilt the other day and suddenly it all made sense to me.

I feel guilty. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough for me because I still feel rotten inside. I need something physical.

This past weekend I was visiting home and I told my mom about some shoes I reeeeeeeally wanted. She said she could get them for me as a late Christmas present! YAY! I was so excited and looked forward to it all weekend.

Right before we left for the mall my mom said something that frustrated me and I started a long argument with her. When we got in the car to go get the shoes I didn't even want them. I mean I wanted them but I felt so bad inside that I didn't really want them anymore. I told her not to get them for me and that I was sorry I started the argument. She said it was no big deal and she got me the shoes anyways but I just felt so....guilty.

I couldn't understand why I felt that way and I just chalked it up to being some sort of self-sabotaging behavior. I just wanted something physical so I could "feel" more forgiven.

The physicalness of DD is so awesome to me because I can just see how it works. It's a physical thing - a way to tell my brain that it's over, to let it go, to stop thinking about it, to stop saying sorry and to stop feeling guilty.


Love to hear your thoughts as always!
I wish I could PHYSICALLY give you all a hug! :)

I'M BACK!!!!!

[**Insert Chariots of Fire slow motion run towards you here**]



Did you miss me?! Because I sure missed you all an awful lot!!! I have so much to tell you! Probably way too much for one post but I will try to be concise! I think it was really good and healthy for me to take a break from blogging and I needed it but I am back for awhile now :)

First and most important: I got the lead role in the school play!!!! I am so excited about it! I wanted it SO BAD and I prayed really hard and practiced every day and I am so happy that I got it! It has made my senior year delightful so far!

Here's the kicker: My character is quite the feisty, loud, obnoxious, bouncy girl (type casting I know!) and in one scene...an older man says to my character...

"What you need young lady, is a good old fashioned spanking!"

Seriously he says that to me. Every night.

I have to pray my face doesn't turn red every night.

So. Awkward.

Life taunts me! :)


The second piece of news I have for you is this:

My mom signed me up for an online dating site. A few weeks ago I was crying about how much I wanted a husband and how I wasn't ready last year but I am ready this year...and all the boys at my college are immature and passive and the ones who are mature/aggressive are taken. So she signed me up. I told her I didn't want to because I thought it was stupid...but after awhile curiousity overtook me and I had to check it out.

Here is what I WANTED to find:

Eyes: Brown
Hair: Brown
Occupation: Doctor
Profile: I am a strong man who loves God and life passionately. I love candle light dinners, wine, and long walks on the beach. I can't wait to be a father. I will buy you flowers just because it's Tuesday. I will be a strong Christian leader for you and our family.








Instead, here is what I have been finding:

Eyes: Weird
Hair: Eh
Occupation: i work at a gas station
Profile: Im jus a chill dude all laid back and stuff. Lemme kno if u wanna chat gurl! I dont really kno what I wanna due in life im jus hangin out so call me up and we can c where dis goes.






WHAT?! 

Call me shallow for clicking "not interested" when you can't be bothered to spell out a coherent sentence. If I need someone else to translate your profile then it ain't gonna happen buddy. Ridiculous. 

Seriously I don't think my expectations are that high.

All I want is a boy with brown hair and brown eyes who has a graduate degree or a PhD in anything, a natural born leader, who flosses daily and hates brussel sprouts.

And I'm flexible on the flossing thing...

Vanilla Post...or Is it?

First of all I just want to ask, which one of my posts is NOT vanilla?!




I like Vanilla. A lot. You could say I love it. Vanilla ice cream, vanilla yogurt, vanilla shakes, vanilla milk, vanilla bean coffee. I must always use REAL vanilla extract when cooking. Never that fake knock-off stuff. If its not real vanilla, I can always tell. I like vanilla scented candles, lotions, scnetsy, even my favorite eye shadow is called "vanilla cream."


I LOVE vanilla everything except in my marriage and my sex. HA! And I don't even know for sure about those two things - I'm just guessing.


It's weird to me that I like vanilla because I'd say my personality makes me seem like more of a rocky road double chocolate chunk with sherbet, whip cream and a cherry kinda gal.


I'm loud and boisterous and I lead mischief a lot. On April Fools I got all my classmates together and we went over to my professors house at night and chalked beautiful pictures all over his driveway. I also wrote a three page letter to the president of our college and got a bunch of people to sign it to get a different professor fired. (And if you just started feeling bad for that professor - don't. If you knew even half the things he did you would have been the first one in line to get him fired!)


With mischief like that you would think I would like strawberry carmel fudge drizzle with nuts and sprinkles.


But I don't.


I like vanilla. And I have vanilla posts on a vanilla blog about a not-very vanilla subject with some not-very vanilla friends.


And I like it that way.


It's sort of like French Vanilla.

Fifty Shades of Me

First and foremost I really cannot even express how grateful I am for all of you being so kind in my last post. I really, really needed to tell someone but I knew I couldn't talk to friends and you guys really helped me. You are great friends! I'm amazed at how I can feel so loved and cared for when I can't even see your faces! Thank you A LOT!






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Sorry this post is a little ramble-y and it's probably more information than you ever wanted to know about me...I'm a little nervous about being so open on a blog...but here 'goes.


Someone online a few weeks ago said "Man for someone your age you really have it together." HA!


I think overall in my life I can appear that I have it together and know what I want. I am proud that I can come off that way but it is completely not the truth. At all. I am so messed up!


I am going to talk a bit about 50 Shades of Grey but I promise I will not ruin anything for those that have not read it! And I also promise you won't be lost or confused if you haven't read them - so stay with me here!

The books made me think a lot about dd, sex, bdsm, and all of those other issues that aren't really black and white but are more..."grey."

Honestly if you have not read Fifty Shades of Grey and you are practicing DD - you should. YES it is a bad book, YES it is x-rated, YES it is "women porn", and YES there is a whole hell of a lot of sex. But if you read past that and on to the second and third books you will begin to really see a lot of psychological issues that are worth discussing. If you could look at it from a psychologists perspective and really look at these characters and why they feel the way they do and why they act the way they do, it's really quite interesting. I found the book extremely intriguing and I can't help but think that some of you might as well.

One thing I will ruin but it's really not a surprise or any big mystery - is the title. Christian Grey says he is "Fifty shades of f***** up" and that's where the book got it's title. Christian feels he has a lot of issues, problems, hang-ups and he refers to himself as fifty shades of messed up. That's pretty much how I feel about myself.


I wonder sometimes and I think other people do too, about why I don't have a boyfriend. I am funny and goofy but I know how to be serious, I like to be spontaneous and do crazy things like go on a trip without planning it at all. I am in charge of a lot of programs at school and I love to organize and make a big event turn out seamless! I am skinny but not gangly. I am not nerdy-girl smart but I make A's. I don't pick my nose in public or have weird purple stems growing out of odd places on my body...So what gives? Well..the truth is - I know why.


Up until about two years ago, I didn't even want a boyfriend. Since I've been about 1 years old I have been desperately afraid of men of all kinds. If a boy paid any kind  of attention to me at all I would shut him down and walk away and 99% of the time I did not even realize I was doing it. And not shut him down in a cute "try to catch me" sort of way but in a dangerous "stay far away from me I mean it!" sort of way. It was such a habit to not give anything with a penis the time of day. I would remove myself from any situation in which I might be alone with a man (including even asking a male teacher a question after class -I would ask one of my friends to stay back with me). This was so subconscious as I had been doing it my whole life! For the past few years I've been making an extra effort to not be like this. It's taken a lot of time to break a lifetime of training but I think I've made good progress.


The truth is - and still is true - I am scared of men. They are stronger than me, they are faster than me, they are louder than me and - they can hurt me. Really hurt me. Physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually, mentally. Men can yell different than a woman can. Men can grab your hand in a way that makes your heart stop and run for the hills in a way no woman can. Men are scary. 


IN THEORY - I loved Fifty Shades. I loved the idea of a man being so dominant and so fiercely protective and strong. I loved the idea of some fun power play in the bedroom and a set of rules to obey and punishments if they are broken. I like that idea both in serious life matters with serious punishments and in fun, play sexual matters with fun play sexual punishments.


IN THEORY - I also love sky diving, wheelies on motorcycles, swimming with sharks, taming a bull, being in the middle of a tornado, and kayaking down a waterfall. 


I like a lot of scary/dangerous things. I can be a bit of an adrenaline junkie and sometimes I LIKE things I am afraid of. Sometimes. But sometimes I SAY I like them because I don't want to be a big baby but then in real life when confronted with them I run away crying.

The fact is Fifty Shades of Grey scared me a little bit. Yes, the main character Christian Grey made my heart skip beats in a sexual way, but there was also a part of me that would be scared of him in real life. I do not like the way he handled everything and there were a lot of times I felt he was too rough. And, of course, since I'm all complicated, there were also a lot of times I felt he was not being near consistent enough and he let Ana get away with ANYTHING, when she really really deserved to be in trouble. 

In my mind I began to think of Ana and Christian as being like the life I would live if I chose DD and I got...scared.

What if some awesome man comes in to my life, we fall in love, we get married, I tell him about DD and hand over this HOH-y power and then he just goes crazy with it? He tells me I can't leave the house or I can't do things I love to do or he yells at me and cuts me to the quick? What if he's too rough with me? What if he gets angry and really hurts me? What then? What if he doesn't listen to me when I say "no"?

Some men have been trained in today's world that when a woman says "no" she means "yes." When a woman says she doesn't want sex, what she means is she wants you to be rough with her and force her while she's "pretending" she doesn't want it. 

I want my "no" to mean "no." When I say no - no don't touch me there, no I don't want to do that, no I can't right now, no I don't want to go there, no I don't want you to yell at me, no I don't feel good - I want it to mean "no."  

On the other hand, I also like things I read in Fifty Shades and in blogland about men being so in charge and even sometimes a little bit rough - only when it's all in good fun and both sides completley agree.

And I suppose that is part of why I like DD. 


What the hell?! What is that? What is wrong with me?!? It's like a small child who is gravely afraid of any type of airplane and yet goes to school to become a pilot. Who does that?!


"I'm really afraid of men. I don't even ride in an elevator with one alone EVER. Hmm so I think I want a relationship where he can spank me and has the ultimate say about things."  Ug. I confuse myself so much.


I still want DD I am just trying to figure out why. 


I think there is just something to be said for someone who has the power to hurt you and yet doesn't exercise it. There is something so magnificent about handing someone power and saying "here you can do whatever you want" and they turn around and only use their power for good.

I also think part of the reason I get so scared sometimes is because my husband is yet to be found. It's hard to trust someone you don't know. Right now he's just a figment of my imagination and it's hard for me to even comprehend that there could be a man out there that I could really like and trust. I feel so blind sometimes, having faith in a man I don't really know exists. I am trusting in a man I have never met. When he's here, I probably won't feel as scared as I feel now because I'll know who he is and he'll know who I am.

When we get to know each other and I see him face to face and know that he knows me and cares about me deeply, I will be able to trust him more. 


And then someday if I could talk to him and tell him that I feel scared and that my no means no, I would feel better. I think we will have to have some "rules for him" of things that really scare me. We will have to work out all this DD stuff. It's not black and white for everyone - it's grey. And every couple has a different shade that matches them perfectly. It's complicated. 


So now here I am. Fifty shades of messed up. I am just me. Waiting for some boy to come in to my life so I can tell him I want him to be rough with me but very gently, I want him to be in charge but not controlling, I want him to spank me but always be sensitive to my needs, I want him to understand that I do want DD but I am still scared. I'll have to tell him all those bad things that happened to me that I really don't want to tell him and he'll have to be patient and understanding.


And he'll have his own fifty shades that we will work through too.


And it will be 100 shades of us.

Lonely

One of my good friends just got engaged last night. I'm happy for her really. They had been dating for two years and he's an awesome guy and they are perfect for each other.


I'm happy for her. I am.


But it hurts me a little bit. Or a lot. I just want a boyfriend and everyone else is around me is getting MARRIED and HAVING CHILDREN already! And I don't even have any prospects. No one texting me or asking me out on dates or even on the market! Not a single one! I am sitting in church - a friend on each side of me all cuddled up and holding hands with their wonderful fiancé's, whispering silly things to them and giggling, asking questions about the sermon, wearing their jackets...I'm cold! I want someone's jacket! I want someone's hand to hold. I want to share my thoughts about the sermon. I want someone. I want him to be here. Now. I don't want to wait anymore. 


I don't think my husband is here, at my university. I am moving across the country after graduation so I've been thinking that he's there - on the other side of the country waiting for me. But I don't graduate for awhile. And I don't want to wait that long. I can't. It's too lonely. It's hurts too much. My heart aches. Everyone in my life - my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, brothers, they were all married with kids already by my age. All of them. They were already working on their lives. But I have such a late start. My kids won't even have anyone to play with because everyone else's kids will be teenagers by then. No one will even be excited about my wedding by the time it's here because they will all be planning baby showers and kindergarten graduations.


God is my HOH. He hears my concerns and takes them in to consideration but He makes the final decision. But I would do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING for Him to change His mind and make the man of my dreams to be here now. I can't handle this.


It's lonely.

Someday I'll Tell the Secret

I had dinner with a friend of mine the other day. I should say mentor - she's about twenty years my senior and she is much more of a mentor type person. She used to be my Sunday school teacher when I was very little and she has grown to be a very close friend of the family. We hang out like we are "friends" - but it's usually just me spilling my guts about my life and she listens and gives advice.

We hadn't seen each other in several months and we made arrangements to get together this past week. We went out to eat and she was asking me about my plans and of course a husband came up because that's something I always mention in my hopefully near future. We hadn't seen each other in over six months so she was unaware of my recent decision to want an HOH and be a submissive wife. :)

She laughed when I told her I want my man to be the "head of the household". She literally got out her phone and recorded me saying that because she thinks I'll change my mind. Little does she know! hehe

She is very happily married and has been for several years (20? Maybe? Just a guess) and she agreed that submitting was the only way to make a marriage work well. Someone has to be the leader. You can't both lead. I agreed. She was very proud of my recent decision and she said that "Messing up that dynamic can be painful for your marriage relationship."

I laughed so hard!


I wanted to say "and your butt!" But I didn't.

She kept asking me what made me change my mind. What made me decide I wanted this type of relationship? I refused to tell her any details. I giggled and told her someday when I was happily married I would tell her. I kept shrugging it off as just a recent decision I had made but OF COURSE she won't let anything go! I just kept telling her I would tell her later...when she was older ;)


Finally when she really wouldn't let it go I just said I had read some things that, to me, romanticized the idea of the man being in charge and I decided I wanted that. Don't get me wrong - I understand (as much as I could without being there) that this isn't like happy-go-lucky easy breezy peachy keen lifestyle where everything is perfect. I know it's not romantic a lot of times. I know it's hard. Hard work. And not always fun. I get it. But it was basically what I could tell her that was truthful without a lot of details.

It's not like she would freak out. She wouldn't. She's very open-minded and understanding about everything and she would probably ask a lot of questions and then smile and say she thinks it's cool for me. She's like that. Always open to new ideas and pretty supportive of things once she researches them. I've told her things before that I thought would blow her away but she's pretty solid and knowledgeable.

I don't know why I just didn't want to tell her. It's not time yet ya know?

I think it's funny and maybe someday soon I'll be able to

Marriages in the Movies

Ever see marriages that could use a little...oh...um...how do I put this....DD?! I know DD is not for everyone and I of course wouldn't suggest everyone try it - but I do often see marriages that I just think need some...help.


 Ever heard of Good Luck Charlie? I, being a young college student, still like watching Disney channel and Good Luck Charlie is my favorite show as of late. I love observing the way people interact and the way the writers present certain issues. The marriage between the parents on this show is always hysterical and I love the things they go through together - but I would never want my marriage to be that way. Amy Duncan (the mom in the show) is completely in control and walks all over Bob and the kids not only encourage it but they become a part of it too.


This was the only clip I could find that semi-showed what I'm talking about. In most of the shows the mom is comically over-ruling and belittling  the dad - often in front of the kids and other friends.

I still love the show A LOT and I even laugh when the wife makes off-handed extremely disrespectful comments. But it does make me concerned about how often marriages are portrayed this way and how it is seen as so normal and so comical. Feeling disrespected isn't funny in real life.

Do you see shows like this or is it just me?? One of the best examples I can think of where I see what I would call a healthy marriage portrayed is in The Incredibles! They support each other in front of the kids and try to be kind and understanding of each other even when their family was going through a rough time.

What shows or movies do you see that either portray good marriages or not-so-good? 

A Submissive Wife Kit for Christmas

None of my family or friends know that I am wanting to practice DD in my future marriage, BUT I have changed a lot of my ideas about what I want and I've been pretty verbal about it...and they've definitely noticed!! For Christmas I was showered with things to compliment my new future lifestyle :)

We had Christmas at my Aunt's house and I hadn't asked for anything this year so I didn't know what to expect. First gift was from my cousin:

She made me a SUPER cute apron!

(Really good for cooking my hubby wonderful dinners!!)

I didn't really think anything could top that. Next two gifts were from my two best friends! New knitting needles and books!

I love knitting!! And now I can make better scarves for my hubby and kids for the winter!! :)

Next gift was from my Aunt. She can be a little eccentric at times so I just smile and say thanks but this year she said she "heard about my new interest in cooking and thought this would be good."

New kitchen utensils!! Including - YEP - wooden spoons and spatulas! :) 

Perfect for - well you know. :)

Best. Christmas. Ever.