Dates and Raisins

HELLO!!!

    I haven’t been able to afford internet since I moved off on my own and when I do get the chance to get online I always have 7 billion things to do and don’t have time to blog!!

Boy do I have a lot to tell you!!

I absolutely LOVE it here! Moving is one of the BEST decisions I’ve ever made in my whole life. Ever. Everything is freaking AMAZING!!! I don’t even know how to describe it but for the past few months I’ve been in this euphoric state just resting in the peace that everything is as it should be, and knowing that I wouldn’t change a thing about where I am or who is in my life right now.

So much has happened in my life - dysfunctional and emotionally unstable parents, moving over and over, being uprooted from schools and neighborhood friends, family members passing away, and me growing up and struggling with my own relationships...things have just not always been the easiest. (although I’ve always been blessed with amazing family and support groups!)

But life is SO different here! I was blessed with a wonderful church and families here that take care of me and make me feel loved! For several months I had a job that was…not my favorite...but then just recently I landed the most perfect job ever! I love, love, LOVE my job!!! I sleep through the night without problems, I smile when I wake up, I feel like my future looks bright and sunshiny :)

I don’t even feel like the same person I was when I started this blog two years ago. I mean, the core things are the same I suppose, but I am different. Maybe it’s because of where I am right now, or maybe it’s because everyone changes as they grow.

As for a boyfriend, well, I’m still waiting for that white horse to gallop up my driveway. ;) I have gone on a date or two (hence the title) but they were just...raisins. Kinda burnt out, squishy and uninspired. I don’t want to marry a raisin. I don’t really know what kind of food item I would like to marry (an avocado maybe? I LOVE GUAC!!) but I know that I’ll know it when I see it.

                                                
                                                                       (You gotta admit it's sexy)



I also know that I feel such a great peace here and God has provided for me in so many ways and I just know He’ll make it happen when the time is right. He’s pretty cool like that.

I love you all and I miss interacting with you. Maybe someday soon I’ll have my own stories to share and ways I can relate and I’ll be able to be more involved. Until then, MUAH!

JJ

Lets Get Physical: Guilt and Spankings

I think my brain is different than most people's. Or maybe I just have some crazy disease that no one else has ever heard of!

I am the only person I know who has PHYSICAL things happen when they feel something passionately. Most normal people have physical things happen when they are excited sexually but that's not what I'm talking about here. 

Sometimes when I get really excited about something, I think about it so much that I get a throbbing headache and I have to force myself to calm down.

When I get very, very sad I have pains in my chest. It is not simply my imagination. They are real, painful and very scary chest pains.

I have been to the emergency room and several doctors for it on many different occasions because I have often been afraid I was having a heart attack or something. They ran multiple tests and absolutely nothing is wrong with my heart or my lungs.

I had one doctor tell me it was just a panic attack. But I don't have heavy breathing or panicky feelings or anything like that when it happens so I have trouble believing it's a panic attack. I am simply very sad about something.

Who knows? The point is that I am a PHYSICAL person and I think about thing in PHYSICAL terms and I respond to things better that are PHYSICALLY in front of me.

I think DD greatly appeals to the physical part of me. 

There is something to be said for the physical absolution of it. I am not very good at simply "moving on" from things or just "letting it go." (And saying "not very good at" is an understatement. I completely and utterly suck at it.)

When I get in a fight with one of my friends, after it is over I always want to buy them something or make them something special. It's not good enough for me to say "I'm sorry." I feel like I have to physically show them. I know it's not expected, but I don't ever really feel like it's all over until I do something physical to show it.

My professor was talking about guilt the other day and suddenly it all made sense to me.

I feel guilty. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough for me because I still feel rotten inside. I need something physical.

This past weekend I was visiting home and I told my mom about some shoes I reeeeeeeally wanted. She said she could get them for me as a late Christmas present! YAY! I was so excited and looked forward to it all weekend.

Right before we left for the mall my mom said something that frustrated me and I started a long argument with her. When we got in the car to go get the shoes I didn't even want them. I mean I wanted them but I felt so bad inside that I didn't really want them anymore. I told her not to get them for me and that I was sorry I started the argument. She said it was no big deal and she got me the shoes anyways but I just felt so....guilty.

I couldn't understand why I felt that way and I just chalked it up to being some sort of self-sabotaging behavior. I just wanted something physical so I could "feel" more forgiven.

The physicalness of DD is so awesome to me because I can just see how it works. It's a physical thing - a way to tell my brain that it's over, to let it go, to stop thinking about it, to stop saying sorry and to stop feeling guilty.


Love to hear your thoughts as always!
I wish I could PHYSICALLY give you all a hug! :)