One of my good friends just got engaged last night. I'm happy for her really. They had been dating for two years and he's an awesome guy and they are perfect for each other.
I'm happy for her. I am.
But it hurts me a little bit. Or a lot. I just want a boyfriend and everyone else is around me is getting MARRIED and HAVING CHILDREN already! And I don't even have any prospects. No one texting me or asking me out on dates or even on the market! Not a single one! I am sitting in church - a friend on each side of me all cuddled up and holding hands with their wonderful fiancé's, whispering silly things to them and giggling, asking questions about the sermon, wearing their jackets...I'm cold! I want someone's jacket! I want someone's hand to hold. I want to share my thoughts about the sermon. I want someone. I want him to be here. Now. I don't want to wait anymore.
I don't think my husband is here, at my university. I am moving across the country after graduation so I've been thinking that he's there - on the other side of the country waiting for me. But I don't graduate for awhile. And I don't want to wait that long. I can't. It's too lonely. It's hurts too much. My heart aches. Everyone in my life - my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, brothers, they were all married with kids already by my age. All of them. They were already working on their lives. But I have such a late start. My kids won't even have anyone to play with because everyone else's kids will be teenagers by then. No one will even be excited about my wedding by the time it's here because they will all be planning baby showers and kindergarten graduations.
God is my HOH. He hears my concerns and takes them in to consideration but He makes the final decision. But I would do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING for Him to change His mind and make the man of my dreams to be here now. I can't handle this.
It's lonely.
Hey JJ, what you are feeling is absolutely valid and it is very lonely at times. I hope you are feeling a little better today. I don't mean for anything below to invalidate what you are feeling. I understand...I had similar feelings at times.
ReplyDeleteYou said that at your age all the rest of your family were already working on their lives etc. Listen, being married is not necessarily the next thing. You are not waiting to work on your life. You are doing it now, no matter what the future holds. I know that when being married and having children is what you really want, it's so hard to be content where you are. If you choose to be content and to embrace all the challenges of being single, you will be so much more whole when the time comes to be married. It is so tempting to think of married as 'better' or more grown up in some way but it is not. It is very different and comes with its own special set of challenges.
What are you being challenged by right now? What is exciting you and making you feel alive? If you had the whole day off tomorrow to do something for someone else, what would you do?
I know...cheesy questions, but you are being prepared for something. I like your God as HoH idea. So where is he challenging you to grow?
I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely. I hope and pray that God is preparing you for your future husband and him for you. They say that people often are brought together when they least expect it. Hang in there and learn and grow and enjoy your life in the meantime.
ReplyDeleteJJ - this is as far as I have made it. But, I jsut have to say right now how much I admire your strong faith. My heart goes out to you and I am praying for you right now. My daughter is 13 and I am thinking I would love nothing more than to find out that she keeps a journal or blog identical to this one day. You are a special girl and I know God has just the right man for you.
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