Dear Husband,
You don't have to be a fairy tale to make my dreams come true. Just be who you really are and I'll always and forever love you. There's lots of men out there that seem to be the top of the line, but you don't have to compare yourself to them as long as you are mine.
I don't need an Edward Cullen, vampire fangs and all. You don't have to run fast or win a big manly brawl. I don't expect you to sing beautifully or sparkle in the sunlight, write me a lullaby or sing to me every night.
You don't need to be the affluent man made of money, you are all I need to be in the land of milk and honey. You don't need the biggest car or best stocks that are off the charts, I'll accept homemade presents and construction paper hearts.
You don't have to be an expert Dom or understand all this DD stuff. Whatever you bring to the table, it will be enough. We'll work it out and talk it all through and whatever we come up with, we'll make it do.
My dear husband, you will be better than any Edward Cullen or Christian Grey, because you are a real person at the end of the day. You are a real person with faults and mistakes. We'll get through it together, patch up all the heartaches.
I love you now and I will for the rest of my life, in sickness and in health, in goodness and in strife.
Waiting ever so not-patiently for my knight-to-be,
Love Always and Forever,
Me
Monday, June 25, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Fifty Shades of Me
First and foremost I really cannot even express how grateful I am for all of you being so kind in my last post. I really, really needed to tell someone but I knew I couldn't talk to friends and you guys really helped me. You are great friends! I'm amazed at how I can feel so loved and cared for when I can't even see your faces! Thank you A LOT!
***************************
Sorry this post is a little ramble-y and it's probably more information than you ever wanted to know about me...I'm a little nervous about being so open on a blog...but here 'goes.
Someone online a few weeks ago said "Man for someone your age you really have it together." HA!
I think overall in my life I can appear that I have it together and know what I want. I am proud that I can come off that way but it is completely not the truth. At all. I am so messed up!
I am going to talk a bit about 50 Shades of Grey but I promise I will not ruin anything for those that have not read it! And I also promise you won't be lost or confused if you haven't read them - so stay with me here!
One thing I will ruin but it's really not a surprise or any big mystery - is the title. Christian Grey says he is "Fifty shades of f***** up" and that's where the book got it's title. Christian feels he has a lot of issues, problems, hang-ups and he refers to himself as fifty shades of messed up. That's pretty much how I feel about myself.
I wonder sometimes and I think other people do too, about why I don't have a boyfriend. I am funny and goofy but I know how to be serious, I like to be spontaneous and do crazy things like go on a trip without planning it at all. I am in charge of a lot of programs at school and I love to organize and make a big event turn out seamless! I am skinny but not gangly. I am not nerdy-girl smart but I make A's. I don't pick my nose in public or have weird purple stems growing out of odd places on my body...So what gives? Well..the truth is - I know why.
Up until about two years ago, I didn't even want a boyfriend. Since I've been about 1 years old I have been desperately afraid of men of all kinds. If a boy paid any kind of attention to me at all I would shut him down and walk away and 99% of the time I did not even realize I was doing it. And not shut him down in a cute "try to catch me" sort of way but in a dangerous "stay far away from me I mean it!" sort of way. It was such a habit to not give anything with a penis the time of day. I would remove myself from any situation in which I might be alone with a man (including even asking a male teacher a question after class -I would ask one of my friends to stay back with me). This was so subconscious as I had been doing it my whole life! For the past few years I've been making an extra effort to not be like this. It's taken a lot of time to break a lifetime of training but I think I've made good progress.
The truth is - and still is true - I am scared of men. They are stronger than me, they are faster than me, they are louder than me and - they can hurt me. Really hurt me. Physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually, mentally. Men can yell different than a woman can. Men can grab your hand in a way that makes your heart stop and run for the hills in a way no woman can. Men are scary.
IN THEORY - I loved Fifty Shades. I loved the idea of a man being so dominant and so fiercely protective and strong. I loved the idea of some fun power play in the bedroom and a set of rules to obey and punishments if they are broken. I like that idea both in serious life matters with serious punishments and in fun, play sexual matters with fun play sexual punishments.
IN THEORY - I also love sky diving, wheelies on motorcycles, swimming with sharks, taming a bull, being in the middle of a tornado, and kayaking down a waterfall.
I like a lot of scary/dangerous things. I can be a bit of an adrenaline junkie and sometimes I LIKE things I am afraid of. Sometimes. But sometimes I SAY I like them because I don't want to be a big baby but then in real life when confronted with them I run away crying.
In my mind I began to think of Ana and Christian as being like the life I would live if I chose DD and I got...scared.
And I suppose that is part of why I like DD.
What the hell?! What is that? What is wrong with me?!? It's like a small child who is gravely afraid of any type of airplane and yet goes to school to become a pilot. Who does that?!
"I'm really afraid of men. I don't even ride in an elevator with one alone EVER. Hmm so I think I want a relationship where he can spank me and has the ultimate say about things." Ug. I confuse myself so much.
I still want DD I am just trying to figure out why.
I think there is just something to be said for someone who has the power to hurt you and yet doesn't exercise it. There is something so magnificent about handing someone power and saying "here you can do whatever you want" and they turn around and only use their power for good.
I also think part of the reason I get so scared sometimes is because my husband is yet to be found. It's hard to trust someone you don't know. Right now he's just a figment of my imagination and it's hard for me to even comprehend that there could be a man out there that I could really like and trust. I feel so blind sometimes, having faith in a man I don't really know exists. I am trusting in a man I have never met. When he's here, I probably won't feel as scared as I feel now because I'll know who he is and he'll know who I am.
When we get to know each other and I see him face to face and know that he knows me and cares about me deeply, I will be able to trust him more.
And then someday if I could talk to him and tell him that I feel scared and that my no means no, I would feel better. I think we will have to have some "rules for him" of things that really scare me. We will have to work out all this DD stuff. It's not black and white for everyone - it's grey. And every couple has a different shade that matches them perfectly. It's complicated.
So now here I am. Fifty shades of messed up. I am just me. Waiting for some boy to come in to my life so I can tell him I want him to be rough with me but very gently, I want him to be in charge but not controlling, I want him to spank me but always be sensitive to my needs, I want him to understand that I do want DD but I am still scared. I'll have to tell him all those bad things that happened to me that I really don't want to tell him and he'll have to be patient and understanding.
And he'll have his own fifty shades that we will work through too.
And it will be 100 shades of us.
***************************
Sorry this post is a little ramble-y and it's probably more information than you ever wanted to know about me...I'm a little nervous about being so open on a blog...but here 'goes.
Someone online a few weeks ago said "Man for someone your age you really have it together." HA!
I think overall in my life I can appear that I have it together and know what I want. I am proud that I can come off that way but it is completely not the truth. At all. I am so messed up!
I am going to talk a bit about 50 Shades of Grey but I promise I will not ruin anything for those that have not read it! And I also promise you won't be lost or confused if you haven't read them - so stay with me here!
The books made me think a lot about dd, sex, bdsm, and all of those other issues that aren't really black and white but are more..."grey."
Honestly if you have not read Fifty Shades of Grey and you are practicing DD - you should. YES it is a bad book, YES it is x-rated, YES it is "women porn", and YES there is a whole hell of a lot of sex. But if you read past that and on to the second and third books you will begin to really see a lot of psychological issues that are worth discussing. If you could look at it from a psychologists perspective and really look at these characters and why they feel the way they do and why they act the way they do, it's really quite interesting. I found the book extremely intriguing and I can't help but think that some of you might as well.
One thing I will ruin but it's really not a surprise or any big mystery - is the title. Christian Grey says he is "Fifty shades of f***** up" and that's where the book got it's title. Christian feels he has a lot of issues, problems, hang-ups and he refers to himself as fifty shades of messed up. That's pretty much how I feel about myself.
I wonder sometimes and I think other people do too, about why I don't have a boyfriend. I am funny and goofy but I know how to be serious, I like to be spontaneous and do crazy things like go on a trip without planning it at all. I am in charge of a lot of programs at school and I love to organize and make a big event turn out seamless! I am skinny but not gangly. I am not nerdy-girl smart but I make A's. I don't pick my nose in public or have weird purple stems growing out of odd places on my body...So what gives? Well..the truth is - I know why.
Up until about two years ago, I didn't even want a boyfriend. Since I've been about 1 years old I have been desperately afraid of men of all kinds. If a boy paid any kind of attention to me at all I would shut him down and walk away and 99% of the time I did not even realize I was doing it. And not shut him down in a cute "try to catch me" sort of way but in a dangerous "stay far away from me I mean it!" sort of way. It was such a habit to not give anything with a penis the time of day. I would remove myself from any situation in which I might be alone with a man (including even asking a male teacher a question after class -I would ask one of my friends to stay back with me). This was so subconscious as I had been doing it my whole life! For the past few years I've been making an extra effort to not be like this. It's taken a lot of time to break a lifetime of training but I think I've made good progress.
The truth is - and still is true - I am scared of men. They are stronger than me, they are faster than me, they are louder than me and - they can hurt me. Really hurt me. Physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually, mentally. Men can yell different than a woman can. Men can grab your hand in a way that makes your heart stop and run for the hills in a way no woman can. Men are scary.
IN THEORY - I loved Fifty Shades. I loved the idea of a man being so dominant and so fiercely protective and strong. I loved the idea of some fun power play in the bedroom and a set of rules to obey and punishments if they are broken. I like that idea both in serious life matters with serious punishments and in fun, play sexual matters with fun play sexual punishments.
IN THEORY - I also love sky diving, wheelies on motorcycles, swimming with sharks, taming a bull, being in the middle of a tornado, and kayaking down a waterfall.
I like a lot of scary/dangerous things. I can be a bit of an adrenaline junkie and sometimes I LIKE things I am afraid of. Sometimes. But sometimes I SAY I like them because I don't want to be a big baby but then in real life when confronted with them I run away crying.
The fact is Fifty Shades of Grey scared me a little bit. Yes, the main character Christian Grey made my heart skip beats in a sexual way, but there was also a part of me that would be scared of him in real life. I do not like the way he handled everything and there were a lot of times I felt he was too rough. And, of course, since I'm all complicated, there were also a lot of times I felt he was not being near consistent enough and he let Ana get away with ANYTHING, when she really really deserved to be in trouble.
What if some awesome man comes in to my life, we fall in love, we get married, I tell him about DD and hand over this HOH-y power and then he just goes crazy with it? He tells me I can't leave the house or I can't do things I love to do or he yells at me and cuts me to the quick? What if he's too rough with me? What if he gets angry and really hurts me? What then? What if he doesn't listen to me when I say "no"?
Some men have been trained in today's world that when a woman says "no" she means "yes." When a woman says she doesn't want sex, what she means is she wants you to be rough with her and force her while she's "pretending" she doesn't want it.
I want my "no" to mean "no." When I say no - no don't touch me there, no I don't want to do that, no I can't right now, no I don't want to go there, no I don't want you to yell at me, no I don't feel good - I want it to mean "no."
On the other hand, I also like things I read in Fifty Shades and in blogland about men being so in charge and even sometimes a little bit rough - only when it's all in good fun and both sides completley agree.
And I suppose that is part of why I like DD.
What the hell?! What is that? What is wrong with me?!? It's like a small child who is gravely afraid of any type of airplane and yet goes to school to become a pilot. Who does that?!
"I'm really afraid of men. I don't even ride in an elevator with one alone EVER. Hmm so I think I want a relationship where he can spank me and has the ultimate say about things." Ug. I confuse myself so much.
I still want DD I am just trying to figure out why.
I think there is just something to be said for someone who has the power to hurt you and yet doesn't exercise it. There is something so magnificent about handing someone power and saying "here you can do whatever you want" and they turn around and only use their power for good.
I also think part of the reason I get so scared sometimes is because my husband is yet to be found. It's hard to trust someone you don't know. Right now he's just a figment of my imagination and it's hard for me to even comprehend that there could be a man out there that I could really like and trust. I feel so blind sometimes, having faith in a man I don't really know exists. I am trusting in a man I have never met. When he's here, I probably won't feel as scared as I feel now because I'll know who he is and he'll know who I am.
When we get to know each other and I see him face to face and know that he knows me and cares about me deeply, I will be able to trust him more.
And then someday if I could talk to him and tell him that I feel scared and that my no means no, I would feel better. I think we will have to have some "rules for him" of things that really scare me. We will have to work out all this DD stuff. It's not black and white for everyone - it's grey. And every couple has a different shade that matches them perfectly. It's complicated.
So now here I am. Fifty shades of messed up. I am just me. Waiting for some boy to come in to my life so I can tell him I want him to be rough with me but very gently, I want him to be in charge but not controlling, I want him to spank me but always be sensitive to my needs, I want him to understand that I do want DD but I am still scared. I'll have to tell him all those bad things that happened to me that I really don't want to tell him and he'll have to be patient and understanding.
And he'll have his own fifty shades that we will work through too.
And it will be 100 shades of us.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Why I Should Marry a Doctor
Well, why shouldn't I?
This past week was my birthday week and it got me reflecting on my life and the many phases I have gone through! My mom and I were laughing about all the "man-I'm-going-to-marry phases." I've had several and I thought it would be funny to share!
*An emo kid/Musician
Age: 7th to 8th grade
Pro: He could write me songs!
Con: I was depressed enough in jr. high without an emo boy's influence!
Sexy voice: Hey babe, I slit my wrists in the shape of a heart just for you!!
*A jock
Age: 9th - 10th grade
Pro: They are super popular! And then I could be super popular too!
Con: Sometimes, specifically in high school, jocks tend to be a little more on the jerky stuck up side
Sexy Voice: Hey babe, I'd like to make a touchdown on you!
*Fireman
Age: 11th grade
Pro: We could pretend that there is lava on the floor and jump around on the beds and he could rescue me from "fires" and "put me out" ;)
Con: I still can't think of a con for this. Firemen are HOTT!
Sexy Voice: Hey babe, will you hold my fire hose?
*Youth Pastor
Age: 12th grade Pro: A man who can get away with dressing in skinny jeans and converse even when he's 34.
Con: Jr. High drama from the youth group all the time? yuk!
Sexy voice: Hey baby, lets pray before we get it on.
This past week was my birthday week and it got me reflecting on my life and the many phases I have gone through! My mom and I were laughing about all the "man-I'm-going-to-marry phases." I've had several and I thought it would be funny to share!
*An emo kid/Musician
Age: 7th to 8th grade
Pro: He could write me songs!
Con: I was depressed enough in jr. high without an emo boy's influence!
Sexy voice: Hey babe, I slit my wrists in the shape of a heart just for you!!
*A jock
Age: 9th - 10th grade
Pro: They are super popular! And then I could be super popular too!
Con: Sometimes, specifically in high school, jocks tend to be a little more on the jerky stuck up side
*Fireman
Age: 11th grade
Pro: We could pretend that there is lava on the floor and jump around on the beds and he could rescue me from "fires" and "put me out" ;)
Con: I still can't think of a con for this. Firemen are HOTT!
*Youth Pastor
Age: 12th grade Pro: A man who can get away with dressing in skinny jeans and converse even when he's 34.
Con: Jr. High drama from the youth group all the time? yuk!
*Vampire
Age: 18 - 19
Pro: He's a vamp. Duh. Fighting of werewolves, rich, feeds on blood, he glitters - I mean what could be sexier right??Con: This type of man is exceptional difficult to find.
*Professor
Age: 20 - 21
Pro: Yes I know, you can make fun of me if you want but profs are SEXY! They are in charge, educated, tough and fun to debate with.
Con: They are all old and married. Sad day. Can't there be some 25 year old somewhere with his PhD?!?
*Doctor
Age: 21 - present
Pro: First and foremost because I am a hypochondriac so instead of going on WebMD every five minutes I could just ask him. Second, he would be mature and educated and that's important to me. Third, well, doctors are just totally HOTT.
Con: The hours he would have to work :(
Sexy Voice: Hey babe! Wanna play doctor?
WINNER!
So I'm still in my doctor phase now. So if you know of any sexy doctors...send them my way! ;)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Marriage Relationship vs. Parenting Relationships
Have you ever seen the movie "Parenthood" with Steve Martin? If you have not YOU NEED TO SEE IT! It is THE BEST presentation about marriages, parenting, children and life! It is so honest and raw and it really has a lot to say if you pay attention. It really is a must see for any person who has kids, wants kids, works with kids, or knows kids. I am not kidding - all of you go watch it RIGHT NOW! It is SUCH A GREAT MOVIE!
We are required to watch it and write about it for one of my marriage and family classes in college and I just love it. Go see it and tell me what you think! (*Side note: It may not be something you would want your children to see depending on how young they are.)
So now that I've convinced you to go see it - I wanted to ask a little discussion question. You don't have to have seen the movie to answer! I want anyone's opinion regardless of where you stand in life at the moment, whether you have kids or not.
The movie is made up of about four or five marriages (or lack thereof) and how they work or don't work. One of the major sturggles I see in marriages all around me and portrayed in this movie is the idea that one of the parent's relationship with their children interferes with the marriage relationship. One parent will spend the majority of their time, money, and energy with the kids; making over-protective parents who cling to their kids more than anything, or who are trying to work with their kids to create some sort of prodigy.
I try to be careful about saying what I do because of privacy but all through college I have worked at a government agency with foster kids. I love each and every one of them dearly and I would take them all home in a heartbeat. Their stories are devastating and they make me bawl! "Mommy wanted to be with daddy even though he was sexually abusing me." and "Mommy wanted to be with her boyfriend because he has drugs for her and I don't." This is obviously representative of the other side of the spectrum. Children whose parents do not have a regard at all for their well-being and chose their other relationships over that of their children.
Awhile back on Stormy's blog, she posted in response to a question I had asked:
"The kids aren't all that curious when we go out [to the shed], because they are used to us just wanting to spend time together. They are used to us going on short walks together (we both love being outside) . We are teaching them that moms and dads like to be together, we are friends, we want to be alone sometimes. Each night we have a time together, sitting and talking about the day, and they are not allowed to interrupt us unless somebody is bleeding..or killing a sibling. I think its really important for children to know that couplehood is first, parenthood is second. Our relationship makes or breaks the family unit."
That answer just totally blew me away because I had never heard anyone say that before! Most people (in my unhealthy family circle) will admit that their kids are more important because they are "only in the house a little while before they are all grown up" or they will just say basically the kids are on their own and they don't care.
So what do you guys think? Is marriage first? If so, how do you make that clear to your children? Of course there are times when you have to put your children first (when they broke their arm and you need to take them to the hospital instead of making dinner for your dear HOH, etc.) So I guess my main question is how do you find that balance? Is this a discussion you and your husband have ever had to have? How does this influence DD?
You don't have to answer all of these questions but I would love to read all of your in-depth, rambling opinions!! :)
P.S. Go watch the movie! I beg of you!!
The movie is made up of about four or five marriages (or lack thereof) and how they work or don't work. One of the major sturggles I see in marriages all around me and portrayed in this movie is the idea that one of the parent's relationship with their children interferes with the marriage relationship. One parent will spend the majority of their time, money, and energy with the kids; making over-protective parents who cling to their kids more than anything, or who are trying to work with their kids to create some sort of prodigy.
I try to be careful about saying what I do because of privacy but all through college I have worked at a government agency with foster kids. I love each and every one of them dearly and I would take them all home in a heartbeat. Their stories are devastating and they make me bawl! "Mommy wanted to be with daddy even though he was sexually abusing me." and "Mommy wanted to be with her boyfriend because he has drugs for her and I don't." This is obviously representative of the other side of the spectrum. Children whose parents do not have a regard at all for their well-being and chose their other relationships over that of their children.
Awhile back on Stormy's blog, she posted in response to a question I had asked:
"The kids aren't all that curious when we go out [to the shed], because they are used to us just wanting to spend time together. They are used to us going on short walks together (we both love being outside) . We are teaching them that moms and dads like to be together, we are friends, we want to be alone sometimes. Each night we have a time together, sitting and talking about the day, and they are not allowed to interrupt us unless somebody is bleeding..or killing a sibling. I think its really important for children to know that couplehood is first, parenthood is second. Our relationship makes or breaks the family unit."
That answer just totally blew me away because I had never heard anyone say that before! Most people (in my unhealthy family circle) will admit that their kids are more important because they are "only in the house a little while before they are all grown up" or they will just say basically the kids are on their own and they don't care.
So what do you guys think? Is marriage first? If so, how do you make that clear to your children? Of course there are times when you have to put your children first (when they broke their arm and you need to take them to the hospital instead of making dinner for your dear HOH, etc.) So I guess my main question is how do you find that balance? Is this a discussion you and your husband have ever had to have? How does this influence DD?
You don't have to answer all of these questions but I would love to read all of your in-depth, rambling opinions!! :)
P.S. Go watch the movie! I beg of you!!
Monday, May 14, 2012
No Spanking Coupon
Everyone has been talking to me lately about using where I'm at and being thankful for it. I do take it to heart and I appreciate all the advice I get! When most people tell me to take advantage of being single what they mean is: go traveling, go out to a bar, meet lots of people, learn a new hobby, etc.
I think I've done all of the above! Well when YOU GUYS tell me to take advantage of being single, I think you may mean something a little different. ;)
So I just wanted to let everyone know that I spent this wonderful summer day doing all of the following:
*Rolling my eyes. All the time. At everything everyone says.
*Yelling "WHATEVER!" loudly
*Spending hours and hours and HOURS online!
*Choosing my own bedtime and then changing it at the spur of the moment
*Not making dinner, cleaning the house, or doing any sort of chore
*Letting the laundry pile up
*Adopting every stray animal I see
*Sighing heavily, stomping and slamming doors
*Playing Words with Friends on my Ipad for hours upon hours
*Calling my dentist and telling him that I hate him and I am never EVER seeing him again so he can just cancel all my appointments for the rest of my life!!
*Turning my phone off and completely ignoring all my calls and texts
*Never ironing anything
*Being a backseat driver, arguing, and being sarcastic
And last but not least (have I made you all jealous yet?) I've spent my day being single waving around my No Spanking Hall Pass! Just because I am single and I can do that! Yes, I am a nerd, I know :)
I think I've done all of the above! Well when YOU GUYS tell me to take advantage of being single, I think you may mean something a little different. ;)
So I just wanted to let everyone know that I spent this wonderful summer day doing all of the following:
*Rolling my eyes. All the time. At everything everyone says.
*Yelling "WHATEVER!" loudly
*Spending hours and hours and HOURS online!
*Choosing my own bedtime and then changing it at the spur of the moment
*Not making dinner, cleaning the house, or doing any sort of chore
*Letting the laundry pile up
*Adopting every stray animal I see
*Sighing heavily, stomping and slamming doors
*Playing Words with Friends on my Ipad for hours upon hours
*Calling my dentist and telling him that I hate him and I am never EVER seeing him again so he can just cancel all my appointments for the rest of my life!!
*Turning my phone off and completely ignoring all my calls and texts
*Never ironing anything
*Being a backseat driver, arguing, and being sarcastic
And last but not least (have I made you all jealous yet?) I've spent my day being single waving around my No Spanking Hall Pass! Just because I am single and I can do that! Yes, I am a nerd, I know :)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Wait! I Changed My Mind!
This week was finals week so I was extra tired and cranky. By the time I laid down on my bed, my eyes were burning! I was so tired and it felt amazing to let my heavy eyelids close. Just as I was drifting off to a peaceful, content sleep...
My husband suddenly flung the door open and marched in!
"I hope you aren't asleep. We still have business to take care of."
"What business?" I asked innocently although I knew exactly what he was talking about.
"Get up please." he won't engage in my pretend game of innocence
I got up sleepily and pulled off my shorts, while he sat on the bed and waited for me. I walked over to his side very bravely and then I suddenly realized what I was doing!
Oh my gosh!
"Wait!!" Large tears formed in my eyes and began to spill over. "Wait I changed my mind! I don't want this anymore!!" I took one step back and started to cry.
There was a slight chuckle in his voice "Little girl, you are too far in to change your mind now. Come here."
"But...but wait! I'm scared!"
His big arms reached out and held me tightly for a moment. "Baby don't be scared!" His arms are strong and they made me feel safe and secure. "It's all going to be okay, I promise. Now come on."
I realized that he's right. It will all be okay because I trust him with my whole life. So I laid myself over his lap and he raised his hand in the air...
And then I always wake up at this part... **happy sigh**
My husband suddenly flung the door open and marched in!
"I hope you aren't asleep. We still have business to take care of."
"What business?" I asked innocently although I knew exactly what he was talking about.
"Get up please." he won't engage in my pretend game of innocence
I got up sleepily and pulled off my shorts, while he sat on the bed and waited for me. I walked over to his side very bravely and then I suddenly realized what I was doing!
Oh my gosh!
"Wait!!" Large tears formed in my eyes and began to spill over. "Wait I changed my mind! I don't want this anymore!!" I took one step back and started to cry.
There was a slight chuckle in his voice "Little girl, you are too far in to change your mind now. Come here."
"But...but wait! I'm scared!"
His big arms reached out and held me tightly for a moment. "Baby don't be scared!" His arms are strong and they made me feel safe and secure. "It's all going to be okay, I promise. Now come on."
I realized that he's right. It will all be okay because I trust him with my whole life. So I laid myself over his lap and he raised his hand in the air...
And then I always wake up at this part... **happy sigh**
Friday, April 20, 2012
That Boy Part 2/Why I Need Boundaries
I've run into that BOY some more in the past few days and it made me think that maybe....I sorta kinda a little bit maybe like him. But don't tell anyone!
I guess maybe I like him a little more then I let on or else I wouldn't have written a whole post about him. I don't know what it is. I don't WANT to like him, but something about him is just a little irresistible.
I was eating lunch with a group of my friends and he was there. I had eaten a lot and still had a bunch of french fries on my plate but I am really obsessive about calories and so I didn't want to eat them. I pushed my plate back and said "Don't let me eat any more of these!"
That BOY took my plate and said "if you reach over here for them, I will slap your hand!" I laughed and said okay. He looked at me across the table and said "No I'm serious. I will slap it really hard. I don't hit girls unless they ask me to."
OH MY GOSH.
THAT.
BOY.
He is such a spanko and he doesn't even know it!!
The only problem is...I don't trust him. I know trust comes in time after getting to know someone, but I just think that this boy has anger issues and I guess to be honest, maybe he scares me just a little tiny bit. I think it's more then him being naturally dominant, I think he has abusive tendencies. I know he has some issues from his childhood and I know he's overly aggressive. Part of it is just who he is, but part of it I think is issues he needs to work through. And that's one reason why I want to stay away from him even though he has some good qualities.
I liked what he said at the table. It was cute. I believed that he would slap my hand and I did not test him. Had a million other friends not been there, I might have, just for fun.
It's a turn on for me to have someone be so strong. It really is. I want someone to lead me, which is actually kinda hard to do.
Here's something you guys may not know about me and actually would probably never guess reading this blog. I have something called "spunk." I am a leader. I stand up for things. I have NO PROBLEM telling someone what I think. I am the girl who will tell the waiter to take the food back if it's wrong and I'm the girl who will raise my hand and tell my college professor that I completely disagree with him. It's not necessarily a bad thing but I can be extremely disrespectful when I don't get my way. I have gumption and therefore people often work with me and just let me get my way anyways. I know that sounds so spoiled and I don't mean for it to sound like that, it's just that its how things have worked thus far. It's actually a great thing because it's the main quality necessary for the dream job I want and so I believe it will get me far but it does cause a problem sometimes in relationships. My friends get tired of arguing with me because I am more stubborn than them and so they just give in. I want someone who won't get tired of it and won't just give in.
Both my parents were just so soft-spoken and quiet and I was the one who would say "this is how it's going to be!" and they would let me! It was bad. That's how I ended up so insecure because I didn't have boundaries or structure or rules to follow growing up. I never had chores. I never got grounded. I just basically did what I wanted. And while to some, this may sound like the epitome of the best teenage life ever, it wasn't. I WANTED rules. I WANTED my parents to tell me no. I would push issues just to see if they would tell me no and they wouldn't.
Anyways, my point in saying all this is that I need a man who can really tell me no. I picture someone like Stormy's ogre. Someone who is just naturally dominant and not afraid to say what he wants. I need someone with as much gumption as me. And honestly, in today's world, thats hard to find.
So back to this BOY. He has more gumption than me. But he also has some anger issues and I suppose I would be afraid that if we were ever in a relationship that maybe he wouldn't listen to me if he got mad. HECK I might not even have to tell him about DD, I'm pretty sure he would just haul off and spank me anyways because he is very aggressive like that. I would be a little bit afraid. And that's not what I want.
There's a difference between respect and fear. A big difference. And what I feel for him is not quite respect.
I just want someone like him, but better. I don't want someone abusive or someone who yells all the time or anything like that. Just someone with more gumption than me.
Man I have issues!! ugg! I hate feeling this way! Anyways, I just wanted to write it out here because I can't really share it with anyone else.
He has a girlfriend so this is all just a moot point I guess.
(Funny story - I used to think it was "mute" point because I thought that's what people were saying instead of moot. I have since been corrected. HA! And to think I am going to grad school! bahaha!)
I guess maybe I like him a little more then I let on or else I wouldn't have written a whole post about him. I don't know what it is. I don't WANT to like him, but something about him is just a little irresistible.
I was eating lunch with a group of my friends and he was there. I had eaten a lot and still had a bunch of french fries on my plate but I am really obsessive about calories and so I didn't want to eat them. I pushed my plate back and said "Don't let me eat any more of these!"
That BOY took my plate and said "if you reach over here for them, I will slap your hand!" I laughed and said okay. He looked at me across the table and said "No I'm serious. I will slap it really hard. I don't hit girls unless they ask me to."
OH MY GOSH.
THAT.
BOY.
He is such a spanko and he doesn't even know it!!
The only problem is...I don't trust him. I know trust comes in time after getting to know someone, but I just think that this boy has anger issues and I guess to be honest, maybe he scares me just a little tiny bit. I think it's more then him being naturally dominant, I think he has abusive tendencies. I know he has some issues from his childhood and I know he's overly aggressive. Part of it is just who he is, but part of it I think is issues he needs to work through. And that's one reason why I want to stay away from him even though he has some good qualities.
I liked what he said at the table. It was cute. I believed that he would slap my hand and I did not test him. Had a million other friends not been there, I might have, just for fun.
It's a turn on for me to have someone be so strong. It really is. I want someone to lead me, which is actually kinda hard to do.
Here's something you guys may not know about me and actually would probably never guess reading this blog. I have something called "spunk." I am a leader. I stand up for things. I have NO PROBLEM telling someone what I think. I am the girl who will tell the waiter to take the food back if it's wrong and I'm the girl who will raise my hand and tell my college professor that I completely disagree with him. It's not necessarily a bad thing but I can be extremely disrespectful when I don't get my way. I have gumption and therefore people often work with me and just let me get my way anyways. I know that sounds so spoiled and I don't mean for it to sound like that, it's just that its how things have worked thus far. It's actually a great thing because it's the main quality necessary for the dream job I want and so I believe it will get me far but it does cause a problem sometimes in relationships. My friends get tired of arguing with me because I am more stubborn than them and so they just give in. I want someone who won't get tired of it and won't just give in.
Both my parents were just so soft-spoken and quiet and I was the one who would say "this is how it's going to be!" and they would let me! It was bad. That's how I ended up so insecure because I didn't have boundaries or structure or rules to follow growing up. I never had chores. I never got grounded. I just basically did what I wanted. And while to some, this may sound like the epitome of the best teenage life ever, it wasn't. I WANTED rules. I WANTED my parents to tell me no. I would push issues just to see if they would tell me no and they wouldn't.
Anyways, my point in saying all this is that I need a man who can really tell me no. I picture someone like Stormy's ogre. Someone who is just naturally dominant and not afraid to say what he wants. I need someone with as much gumption as me. And honestly, in today's world, thats hard to find.
So back to this BOY. He has more gumption than me. But he also has some anger issues and I suppose I would be afraid that if we were ever in a relationship that maybe he wouldn't listen to me if he got mad. HECK I might not even have to tell him about DD, I'm pretty sure he would just haul off and spank me anyways because he is very aggressive like that. I would be a little bit afraid. And that's not what I want.
There's a difference between respect and fear. A big difference. And what I feel for him is not quite respect.
I just want someone like him, but better. I don't want someone abusive or someone who yells all the time or anything like that. Just someone with more gumption than me.
Man I have issues!! ugg! I hate feeling this way! Anyways, I just wanted to write it out here because I can't really share it with anyone else.
He has a girlfriend so this is all just a moot point I guess.
(Funny story - I used to think it was "mute" point because I thought that's what people were saying instead of moot. I have since been corrected. HA! And to think I am going to grad school! bahaha!)
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